how to be german

An all-night discoparty for the tastebuds.

It’s a great comedic joy to live in a country where you can watch tourists and foreigners buying “classic” water, thinking that since for millions of years now “classic” water, you know, the kind that fallen from the sky since the dawn of time, was still, uncarbonated water, it would be the same here, right?

LEARN HOW TO OPEN A BEER BOTTLE WITH ANYTHING BUT A BOTTLE OPENER The bottle opener has existed in various formats since about 1738.

Now you need to enter the headspace of the Germans.

It's a bouncy castle for the taste buds.

KNOW THE ANSWER IS TO BRING KARTOFFELSALAT You are probably aware of the eminent Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov and his work on the conditioning of dogs, who he trained to salivate on demand, just by his ringing a small bell.

Then, like in Ice Skating, judges, who've been watching from the periphery, hold up scorecards for all participants, showing how successfully they've taken part across a range of criteria such as "did they clink against every glass, in a logical, clockwise manner" and "duration and intensity of eye contact".

Optimise your processes!

While us Brits where out living it up on bank sponsored credit, spending hundreds of thousands of pounds on these little boxes where we'd house ourselves, the Germans stayed in their rented homes, in their beloved kitchens, baking their pantry full of yet more delicious German bread.

LEARN HOW TO OPEN A BEER BOTTLE WITH ANYTHING BUT A BOTTLE OPENER The bottle opener has existed in various formats since about 1738.

You're in a group, you've the luxury of enough money to buy this drink, enough time to devote to the drinking of it, enough friends that want to socialise and drink with you.

Look at you, you’re up early, you’ve got your radio on, no doubt some Depeche Mode is blasting out, you’re eating a slow and ponderous German breakfast, you’re acclimatising very well, young Ausländer.

They are requirements of Germanism.

FEEL MIXED ABOUT BERLIN The average German has a complex relationship to its Hauptstadt.

It's like a pact was made somewhere at a secret meeting no German was invited to, a referendum of one and now sauerkraut is the official, national side dish.

German just plonks you down in front of a steep mountain, says “viel spass” and walks off as you begin your slow ascent.

A day in which washing your car is considered an act of vigilantism against the sacred Sonntagsruhe.

You’ll waste so much time memorising genders (PRO TIP: never learn a noun without its article, going back later and adding them in is very time consuming and inefficient).

For more than a century Germans, smug with their discovery of fizzy water, all their abundant breweries producing fine beers and ales, they didn’t believe it could get any better.

SAY TSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSCHÜSSSSSSSSSSSS With the exception of Oktoberfest, Germany is not famous for its excesses.

Even in the East, where formerly abandoned cities like Leipzig have redeveloped themselves into logistics hubs.

If I'm having one of my momentary delusions of grandeur I know I can rely on my German girlfriend to bring me swiftly back down to reality by saying something like "get over yourself, we're all born naked and shit in the toilet".

Even the humble doorbell offers an opportunity for neighbour one-upmanship, where academic qualifications can be listed.

Here all holders of a beverage must compete in a sort of awkward drinking dance, in which everyone must make very, very obvious eye contact with every one else, in turn, and all glasses MUST touch all other glasses.

The first time I experienced breakfast in a German WG it lasted so long that I drifted off into a sort of breakfast coma and they had to wake me with some eszet, which is a sort of chocolate strip you put on bread.

You’ll need all that self-control not to freak out and start shooting the first time you visit the Ausländerbehörde and find out they don’t speak English.

At least in catholic or rural areas.

Then some bright spark tried adding a little apple juice to that fizzy water.

Then, like in Ice Skating, judges, who've been watching from the periphery, hold up scorecards for all participants, showing how successfully they've taken part across a range of criteria such as "did they clink against every glass, in a logical, clockwise manner" and "duration and intensity of eye contact".

English, at least linguistically, has always been the biggest slut in the room.

My pet theory is that the Germans, despite their committed efforts, were not as successful as the English in their world power plays and so the English language has always, historically, been forced like a bridge made of glue to ford whatever cultural divide lay between us and whoever we were conquering, sorry colonising this week, so we had to smooth down its rougher edges, which is a poetic way of saying, kick out all the hard bits.

Now, you’ll need to carefully make up your half of the bed (you should be sleeping in a double bed made up of two single mattresses and two single duvets).

Learning words is fun, most are even similar to English thanks to our shared ancestry, you’ll zip along making great progress and really enjoying wrapping your tongue around such delights as Schwangerschaftsverhütungsmittel, Weltschmerz and Zeitgeist.

Creative, unpunctual, prone to spontaneous displays of techno, unable to pay its taxes, over familiar with foreigners.

KNOW THE ANSWER IS TO BRING KARTOFFELSALAT You are probably aware of the eminent Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov and his work on the conditioning of dogs, who he trained to salivate on demand, just by his ringing a small bell.

They’ve correctly realised, if trouble does come calling, they’ll be best prepared for it by holing up in their kitchens.

If you don't like it my dear Krauts, change that default side dish.

How to be German in 20 easy steps – part 1 UPDATE: Know how to be German?

I remember there was a website that every day, listed a new way to open a beer bottle, over 365 days.

If not, when visiting the homes of your new German friends, you’ll request tap water and they’ll look at you like you are some primitive savage they just found in the woods covered in a blanket of your own hair.

I'm not even going to question the logic of signing off with the greeting, an act traditionally saved for the beginning.

Make spreadsheets, charts and lists.

German just plonks you down in front of a steep mountain, says “viel spass” and walks off as you begin your slow ascent.

Then, like in Ice Skating, judges, who've been watching from the periphery, hold up scorecards for all participants, showing how successfully they've taken part across a range of criteria such as "did they clink against every glass, in a logical, clockwise manner" and "duration and intensity of eye contact".

It's true English bread is of the soft and cuddly persuasion.

Otherwise when people ask you your job, the same will happen to you as happens to me, I reply "I'm a marketer", at which point someone says, "that's not really a job though, is it?"

Sex, while perhaps dealt with a little clinically at times, is not a big deal and must not be treated as such.

Then, like in Ice Skating, judges, who've been watching from the periphery, hold up scorecards for all participants, showing how successfully they've taken part across a range of criteria such as "did they clink against every glass, in a logical, clockwise manner" and "duration and intensity of eye contact".

Including carpeting your bathroom, naturally… Adam Fletcher, Startup Hipster and honorary German, shares his insights into the top tips to becoming a real citizen of Schland.

It's a bouncy castle for the taste buds.

Just remember to obey the red man and get some qualifications… This design is available as poster, t-shirt and bag in the Hipstery Store.

The difference is that English was kind enough to be easy in the beginning, it ramps up slowly and encouragingly.

Creative, unpunctual, prone to spontaneous displays of techno, unable to pay its taxes, over familiar with foreigners.

LEARN HOW TO OPEN A BEER BOTTLE WITH ANYTHING BUT A BOTTLE OPENER The bottle opener has existed in various formats since about 1738.

In conclusion, German cuisine is to the world of food, what the band Eiffel 65 are to the history of popular music: present, but largely a footnote.?You are probably wondering how I wrote an entire entry about German food without mentioning that lumpy S word – Sauerkraut.

Germans have a similar rule for their communication, but they've substituted the smiley face for LG (lovely greetings/regards, crudely translated) or MFG (with friendly greetings), VG (many greetings) or the highly innovative, new, MVFLG (with many friendly lovely greetings), which I may or may not have just made up.

Get some of those funky Jack Wolfskin shrousers, the trousers that zip off into shorts.

After all, there was a smiley face, it was a joke.

My pet theory is that the Germans, despite their committed efforts, were not as successful as the English in their world power plays and so the English language has always, historically, been forced like a bridge made of glue to ford whatever cultural divide lay between us and whoever we were conquering, sorry colonising this week, so we had to smooth down its rougher edges, which is a poetic way of saying, kick out all the hard bits.

As opposed to that fluffy white English nonsense, which they see as an unforgivable waste of yeast.

The English tend to treat it purely as a room of function, like the toilet, only with a fridge.

The other notable time of year is Spargel Saison, where the country goes gaga as the almightly Spargel is being waved around everywhere, like a sort of culinary magic wand, which coincidentally it does rather resemble.

My girlfriend communicates with her insurance advisor more often than I do with my mother.

Drink Apfelsaftschorle Germans fear any beverage that doesn’t fizz.

Even the humble doorbell offers an opportunity for neighbour one-upmanship, where academic qualifications can be listed.

My pet theory is that the Germans, despite their committed efforts, were not as successful as the English in their world power plays and so the English language has always, historically, been forced like a bridge made of glue to ford whatever cultural divide lay between us and whoever we were conquering, sorry colonising this week, so we had to smooth down its rougher edges, which is a poetic way of saying, kick out all the hard bits.

What it lacks in nocturnal romance, it more than makes up for in practicality, the most prized of German possessions.

While us Brits where out living it up on bank sponsored credit, spending hundreds of thousands of pounds on these little boxes where we'd house ourselves, the Germans stayed in their rented homes, in their beloved kitchens, baking their pantry full of yet more delicious German bread.

A short, sweet, clinky, fuck you to the world and its petty problems.

KNOW THE ANSWER IS TO BRING KARTOFFELSALAT You are probably aware of the eminent Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov and his work on the conditioning of dogs, who he trained to salivate on demand, just by his ringing a small bell.

In conclusion, German cuisine is to the world of food, what the band Eiffel 65 are to the history of popular music: present, but largely a footnote.?You are probably wondering how I wrote an entire entry about German food without mentioning that lumpy S word – Sauerkraut.

Including carpeting your bathroom, naturally… Adam Fletcher, Startup Hipster and honorary German, shares his insights into the top tips to becoming a real citizen of Schland.

Being a good German is about understanding the risks, insuring for what can be insured, preparing for what cannot.

Usually it’s a beach, or a rocking chair on the front porch of an idyllic childhood home?

It then had the audacity to become the richest state, but not quietly and with humility, but in a gregarious, badly dressed, heavy drinking, God greeting, bumpkin sort of way.

Many have stopped eating Sauerkraut entirely in an act of nationalistic principle, or maybe they just don't like sauerkraut (who could blame them) and this offers a more profound excuse for its avoidance.

You know of what I talk – the German language.

Eerily quiet.

Get some of those funky Jack Wolfskin shrousers, the trousers that zip off into shorts.

Not because they’ve not told me, but because the answer is so incredibly unromantic, so sensible, practical and boring that my happy little barefoot brain has no idea where to store information of that nature and so just gives up committing it to memory.

WATCH TATORT In my first WG we had a TV attached to a skateboard that lived in a cupboard.

#1 Put on your house shoes So, here we are then my little Ausländer.

English, at least linguistically, has always been the biggest slut in the room.

If you came here randomly, you'll probably want to read steps 1-10 first at Venture Village.

While us Brits where out living it up on bank sponsored credit, spending hundreds of thousands of pounds on these little boxes where we'd house ourselves, the Germans stayed in their rented homes, in their beloved kitchens, baking their pantry full of yet more delicious German bread.

When I first started learning the language, which mostly consisted of me getting nowhere and just sitting around bitching about it, I was gently reminded by a friend that some of the smartest things ever written were written in this language.

Apfelsaftschorle will taste to you as it really is, a fractional improvement on water’s boring taste.

My pet theory is that the Germans, despite their committed efforts, were not as successful as the English in their world power plays and so the English language has always, historically, been forced like a bridge made of glue to ford whatever cultural divide lay between us and whoever we were conquering, sorry colonising this week, so we had to smooth down its rougher edges, which is a poetic way of saying, kick out all the hard bits.

An all-night discoparty for the tastebuds.

In conclusion, German cuisine is to the world of food, what the band Eiffel 65 are to the history of popular music: present, but largely a footnote.?You are probably wondering how I wrote an entire entry about German food without mentioning that lumpy S word – Sauerkraut.

It then had the audacity to become the richest state, but not quietly and with humility, but in a gregarious, badly dressed, heavy drinking, God greeting, bumpkin sort of way.

KNOW THE ANSWER IS TO BRING KARTOFFELSALAT You are probably aware of the eminent Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov and his work on the conditioning of dogs, who he trained to salivate on demand, just by his ringing a small bell.

To them, the true capital is probably somewhere more like Frankfurt.

But someone must love it, or sauerkraut is playing a large and elaborate practical joke on the German people because if you order a German meal, in a German restaurant, there is an 87% chance it will come with sauerkraut.

It brings them out in a cold sweat.

If there is even the slightest possibility you may at some point leave a pavement, be sure you are wearing high-quality hiking boots.

When I questioned one of my colleagues on the need for such overt nakedness when an East Germans spots any body of water larger than a puddle, this was the reply "if you've never swum naked with 5 of your best male friends, you haven't lived!"

#10 Eat German food Picture from the awesome Wurstbilder It’s hard to discuss German cuisine without mentioning Wurst, at which point you’ll feel like I’m smacking you about the head with the stereotype stick.

If I'm having one of my momentary delusions of grandeur I know I can rely on my German girlfriend to bring me swiftly back down to reality by saying something like "get over yourself, we're all born naked and shit in the toilet".

When I questioned one of my colleagues on the need for such overt nakedness when an East Germans spots any body of water larger than a puddle, this was the reply "if you've never swum naked with 5 of your best male friends, you haven't lived!"

The worst gameshow I’ve ever seen was an English one called “Touch the truck”.

If it’s a weekend, every square inch of the table will be smothered in an assortment of meats, cheeses, fruits, jams, spreads and other condiments.

Nudity is extended the same perfunctory familiarity.

Usually it’s a beach, or a rocking chair on the front porch of an idyllic childhood home?

But other accepted professions are scientist, lawyer, doctor, teacher, something that involves organising things on a large scale, like logistics, or anything to do with cars.

#7 Get some more qualifications When I first moved here I was given the advice that “while in England, it’s he who drinks the most and doesn’t vomit on his shoes, that gets the girl, here it’s he who knows the most about philosophy that gets the girl”.

Sex, while perhaps dealt with a little clinically at times, is not a big deal and must not be treated as such.

German retained the grammatical complexity of Old English.

Some said they'd run out of ideas by the end, when they suggested opening it on the edge of a Turtles shell.

It's very time consuming for German men to have to keep pulling their penises out for comparison against the other men they meet.

Then, confident at all the little snippets you’ve already accumulated, you’ll start learning the grammar, the putty that builds your mutterings into real, coherent German sentences.

Germans absolutely hate the stereotype that they're a nation of obsessive sauerkraut eaters.

You need – expensive outdoor clothing!

So, plucky Ausländer before you go out into the jungle and start swinging from its high branches, it’s wise you be sensibly insured.

Then, like in Ice Skating, judges, who've been watching from the periphery, hold up scorecards for all participants, showing how successfully they've taken part across a range of criteria such as "did they clink against every glass, in a logical, clockwise manner" and "duration and intensity of eye contact".

LEARN HOW TO OPEN A BEER BOTTLE WITH ANYTHING BUT A BOTTLE OPENER The bottle opener has existed in various formats since about 1738.

When my girlfriend told her father she had a new English boyfriend, his first question, before my name, job, interests, age etc "what kind of car does he drive?"

It dances to its own illogical, changeable tune.

For more than a century Germans, smug with their discovery of fizzy water, all their abundant breweries producing fine beers and ales, they didn’t believe it could get any better.

The difference is that English was kind enough to be easy in the beginning, it ramps up slowly and encouragingly.

But the Germans, on account of their excellent school system (at least in comparison to the English), and the extraordinarily long time they tend to study (now reducing as they’ve adopted the Bachelor/Masters system) are an intellectual bunch.

When I first started learning the language, which mostly consisted of me getting nowhere and just sitting around bitching about it, I was gently reminded by a friend that some of the smartest things ever written were written in this language.

Who will now consider you an irresponsible, possibly suicidal, social renegade.

Millions of years of water history have been conveniently forgotten.

Firstly it had the misfortune to be based right down there in the corner, far enough away that we can all say mean things about it and it won't hear, not central enough that it can claim real geographic importance.

WATCH TATORT In my first WG we had a TV attached to a skateboard that lived in a cupboard.

To many Germans, Berlin is not really their capital, it's more like a giant art project or social experiment that only turns up when hungover, and in need of a hand out.

If you are offended, that's your fault, you should have a sense of humour.

A dungeon designed to trap foreigners and hold them hostage, repeatedly flogging them with impenetrable and largely useless grammatical devices, whose only merit is to very, very, explicitly state who has what and what is being done to whom, by whom.

The other notable time of year is Spargel Saison, where the country goes gaga as the almightly Spargel is being waved around everywhere, like a sort of culinary magic wand, which coincidentally it does rather resemble.

Now I just eat eszet with everything, and slowly I’ve learnt to eat more and also slower, during the long drawn out German breakfasts.

It sometimes feels like German breakfasts work on a similar premise, only the truck is breakfast.

The difference is that English was kind enough to be easy in the beginning, it ramps up slowly and encouragingly.

If I'm having one of my momentary delusions of grandeur I know I can rely on my German girlfriend to bring me swiftly back down to reality by saying something like "get over yourself, we're all born naked and shit in the toilet".

It should be impenetrable to outsiders, shielded in its own complex language.

Get some of those funky Jack Wolfskin shrousers, the trousers that zip off into shorts.

It’ll look like someone broke in and while hunting for valuables just tipped the contents of all the cupboards out onto the table.

The other notable time of year is Spargel Saison, where the country goes gaga as the almightly Spargel is being waved around everywhere, like a sort of culinary magic wand, which coincidentally it does rather resemble.

Look at you, you’re up early, you’ve got your radio on, no doubt some Depeche Mode is blasting out, you’re eating a slow and ponderous German breakfast, you’re acclimatising very well, young Ausländer.

You’ll have woken up in your bed, probably because it’s gotten light outside and you don’t have curtains, because curtains are evil and suggest you have something to hide.

You need – expensive outdoor clothing!

Needless to say, if you've been to such an event and seen seven stacked tubs of Kartoffelsalat, you'll already know it was a perfect success.

“Classic” means carbonated, of course.

Ruthlessly efficient, if you will.

They’ve correctly realised, if trouble does come calling, they’ll be best prepared for it by holing up in their kitchens.

When I first started learning the language, which mostly consisted of me getting nowhere and just sitting around bitching about it, I was gently reminded by a friend that some of the smartest things ever written were written in this language.

After all, you’re going outdoors, it’s called outdoor clothing, therefore it must be necessary.

When I questioned one of my colleagues on the need for such overt nakedness when an East Germans spots any body of water larger than a puddle, this was the reply "if you've never swum naked with 5 of your best male friends, you haven't lived!"

Learning words is fun, most are even similar to English thanks to our shared ancestry, you’ll zip along making great progress and really enjoying wrapping your tongue around such delights as Schwangerschaftsverhütungsmittel, Weltschmerz and Zeitgeist.

In principle, it’s not that hard.

The first time I experienced breakfast in a German WG it lasted so long that I drifted off into a sort of breakfast coma and they had to wake me with some eszet, which is a sort of chocolate strip you put on bread.

It feels like the end of the world.

Just remember to obey the red man and get some qualifications… This design is available as poster, t-shirt and bag in the Hipstery Store.

As for saying what you mean, Germans have rightly realised that sugar coating is best reserved for cakes.

The English tend to treat it purely as a room of function, like the toilet, only with a fridge.

My pet theory is that the Germans, despite their committed efforts, were not as successful as the English in their world power plays and so the English language has always, historically, been forced like a bridge made of glue to ford whatever cultural divide lay between us and whoever we were conquering, sorry colonising this week, so we had to smooth down its rougher edges, which is a poetic way of saying, kick out all the hard bits.

Including carpeting your bathroom, naturally… Adam Fletcher, Startup Hipster and honorary German, shares his insights into the top tips to becoming a real citizen of Schland.

#2 Eat a long breakfast Coming from England, I was very surprised to see how important the kitchen is to the German people.

enquire about their health, their families health, their children’s health, the weather, the activities of the previous weekend, the plans of the upcoming weekend, the joy or ecstasy related to the outcome of the most recent televised football match, then, finally, you can say "by the way", after which you begin the actual point of the conversation, before reinforcing that you feel guilty for having to ask, and only if it's no trouble, but would they be so kind as to possibly do this

May I suggest Baked Beans?

Even the humble doorbell offers an opportunity for neighbour one-upmanship, where academic qualifications can be listed.

Not because they’ve not told me, but because the answer is so incredibly unromantic, so sensible, practical and boring that my happy little barefoot brain has no idea where to store information of that nature and so just gives up committing it to memory.

Now, you’ll need to carefully make up your half of the bed (you should be sleeping in a double bed made up of two single mattresses and two single duvets).

There’s a time and place for fun, and it’s to be pre-decided and marked in the calendar.

enquire about their health, their families health, their children’s health, the weather, the activities of the previous weekend, the plans of the upcoming weekend, the joy or ecstasy related to the outcome of the most recent televised football match, then, finally, you can say "by the way", after which you begin the actual point of the conversation, before reinforcing that you feel guilty for having to ask, and only if it's no trouble, but would they be so kind as to possibly do this

In conclusion, German cuisine is to the world of food, what the band Eiffel 65 are to the history of popular music: present, but largely a footnote.?You are probably wondering how I wrote an entire entry about German food without mentioning that lumpy S word – Sauerkraut.

But someone must love it, or sauerkraut is playing a large and elaborate practical joke on the German people because if you order a German meal, in a German restaurant, there is an 87% chance it will come with sauerkraut.

#10 Eat German food Picture from the awesome Wurstbilder It’s hard to discuss German cuisine without mentioning Wurst, at which point you’ll feel like I’m smacking you about the head with the stereotype stick.

Here’s our Top 10 tips for being English.

Learning words is fun, most are even similar to English thanks to our shared ancestry, you’ll zip along making great progress and really enjoying wrapping your tongue around such delights as Schwangerschaftsverhütungsmittel, Weltschmerz and Zeitgeist.

You’re going to need to get appropriately dressed.

You get in, do what you’ve got to do, get out.The living room is the heart of the home.

#1 Put on your house shoes So, here we are then my little Ausländer.

No, what you really risk is the scorn, the tutting and the shouts of “Halt!” from nearby Germans.

The first time I experienced breakfast in a German WG it lasted so long that I drifted off into a sort of breakfast coma and they had to wake me with some eszet, which is a sort of chocolate strip you put on bread.

enquire about their health, their families health, their children’s health, the weather, the activities of the previous weekend, the plans of the upcoming weekend, the joy or ecstasy related to the outcome of the most recent televised football match, then, finally, you can say "by the way", after which you begin the actual point of the conversation, before reinforcing that you feel guilty for having to ask, and only if it's no trouble, but would they be so kind as to possibly do this

Friends of my room-mates would come by, the TV would be setup in the kitchen, elaborate meals would be cooked and shared, then silence would descend and Tatort would begin.

Is it possible you arrange your shoe storage so that the most used items are nearer the top, reducing bending time?

Creating something equally refreshing, but 6 per cent more fun!

They’ve correctly realised, if trouble does come calling, they’ll be best prepared for it by holing up in their kitchens.

If it’s a weekend, every square inch of the table will be smothered in an assortment of meats, cheeses, fruits, jams, spreads and other condiments.

They’ve correctly realised, if trouble does come calling, they’ll be best prepared for it by holing up in their kitchens.

Now, you’ll need to carefully make up your half of the bed (you should be sleeping in a double bed made up of two single mattresses and two single duvets).

#7 Get some more qualifications When I first moved here I was given the advice that “while in England, it’s he who drinks the most and doesn’t vomit on his shoes, that gets the girl, here it’s he who knows the most about philosophy that gets the girl”.

Including carpeting your bathroom, naturally… Adam Fletcher, Startup Hipster and honorary German, shares his insights into the top tips to becoming a real citizen of Schland.

My pet theory is that the Germans, despite their committed efforts, were not as successful as the English in their world power plays and so the English language has always, historically, been forced like a bridge made of glue to ford whatever cultural divide lay between us and whoever we were conquering, sorry colonising this week, so we had to smooth down its rougher edges, which is a poetic way of saying, kick out all the hard bits.

When I first arrived here, I prosted as I would in England, maybe we touched glasses, maybe we just lifted them ever so slightly more than we would need to reach our mouths, in a short gesture, before lowering it again and drinking.

My pet theory is that the Germans, despite their committed efforts, were not as successful as the English in their world power plays and so the English language has always, historically, been forced like a bridge made of glue to ford whatever cultural divide lay between us and whoever we were conquering, sorry colonising this week, so we had to smooth down its rougher edges, which is a poetic way of saying, kick out all the hard bits.

It then had the audacity to become the richest state, but not quietly and with humility, but in a gregarious, badly dressed, heavy drinking, God greeting, bumpkin sort of way.

You can expect occasional smirks and reassuring pats on the shoulder, when you tell them you only have a BA in Theatre Studies, as if they’ve a new found respect for the fact you’ve managed to dress yourself properly.

Not of getting run over, the road is completely empty after all.

Friends of my room-mates would come by, the TV would be setup in the kitchen, elaborate meals would be cooked and shared, then silence would descend and Tatort would begin.

Needless to say, if you've been to such an event and seen seven stacked tubs of Kartoffelsalat, you'll already know it was a perfect success.

Then, like in Ice Skating, judges, who've been watching from the periphery, hold up scorecards for all participants, showing how successfully they've taken part across a range of criteria such as "did they clink against every glass, in a logical, clockwise manner" and "duration and intensity of eye contact".

For Germany, the wicked witch is Bavaria.

If you came here randomly, you'll probably want to read steps 1-10 first at Venture Village.

It’ll look like someone broke in and while hunting for valuables just tipped the contents of all the cupboards out onto the table.

They’ve correctly realised, if trouble does come calling, they’ll be best prepared for it by holing up in their kitchens.

The other notable time of year is Spargel Saison, where the country goes gaga as the almightly Spargel is being waved around everywhere, like a sort of culinary magic wand, which coincidentally it does rather resemble.

#2 Eat a long breakfast Coming from England, I was very surprised to see how important the kitchen is to the German people.

But the Germans, on account of their excellent school system (at least in comparison to the English), and the extraordinarily long time they tend to study (now reducing as they’ve adopted the Bachelor/Masters system) are an intellectual bunch.

But for now, start accepting the three central tenets of Germanism.

For more than a century Germans, smug with their discovery of fizzy water, all their abundant breweries producing fine beers and ales, they didn’t believe it could get any better.

That still leaves 70 per cent that you’ll have to learn by heart so you can decline correctly.

Here, it’s the letters before or after our full name, letters we use when addressing each other, for example Herr Dr or Frau Prof Dr.h.c Schmidt, none of this first name over-familiarity.

#2 Eat a long breakfast Coming from England, I was very surprised to see how important the kitchen is to the German people.

Don’t step off of the Bettvorleger yet, there is a very high chance that the floors will be ever so slightly colder than you expect!

Then, like in Ice Skating, judges, who've been watching from the periphery, hold up scorecards for all participants, showing how successfully they've taken part across a range of criteria such as "did they clink against every glass, in a logical, clockwise manner" and "duration and intensity of eye contact".

Even in the East, where formerly abandoned cities like Leipzig have redeveloped themselves into logistics hubs.

Then, like in Ice Skating, judges, who've been watching from the periphery, hold up scorecards for all participants, showing how successfully they've taken part across a range of criteria such as "did they clink against every glass, in a logical, clockwise manner" and "duration and intensity of eye contact".

It's like walking the dog or taking out the trash.

Berlin is the black sheep of the German family.

You will be eternally grateful.

Bar being struck by an invisible car, you’re safe.

But for now, start accepting the three central tenets of Germanism.

I'm not even going to question the logic of signing off with the greeting, an act traditionally saved for the beginning.

Learning words and learning the grammar.

Since then they've been viewed with suspicion and anyone caught using one declared a witch and burnt at the stake.

It's like a pact was made somewhere at a secret meeting no German was invited to, a referendum of one and now sauerkraut is the official, national side dish.

It’ll look like someone broke in and while hunting for valuables just tipped the contents of all the cupboards out onto the table.

It's like walking the dog or taking out the trash.

You have a table, water, coffee, food, radio, serious, correct-posture-encouraging seating.

Friends of my room-mates would come by, the TV would be setup in the kitchen, elaborate meals would be cooked and shared, then silence would descend and Tatort would begin.

Firstly it had the misfortune to be based right down there in the corner, far enough away that we can all say mean things about it and it won't hear, not central enough that it can claim real geographic importance.

Maybe it was a killer virus.

You would think since they watch it with such rigid vigour, privately or as part of the public viewings in pubs, they must really love it?

Think about what you’re doing each day and how you can make it more efficient.

German breakfasts are not meals, but elaborate feasts.

For Germans, that happy place is swimming naked in a lake of Apfelsaftschorle.

That’ll help you with maybe 30 per cent of nouns.

Here, it’s the letters before or after our full name, letters we use when addressing each other, for example Herr Dr or Frau Prof Dr.h.c Schmidt, none of this first name over-familiarity.

Related to this is Apfelsaftschorle.

My pet theory is that the Germans, despite their committed efforts, were not as successful as the English in their world power plays and so the English language has always, historically, been forced like a bridge made of glue to ford whatever cultural divide lay between us and whoever we were conquering, sorry colonising this week, so we had to smooth down its rougher edges, which is a poetic way of saying, kick out all the hard bits.

May I suggest Baked Beans?

You can expect occasional smirks and reassuring pats on the shoulder, when you tell them you only have a BA in Theatre Studies, as if they’ve a new found respect for the fact you’ve managed to dress yourself properly.

Sometimes I'm not sure whether to make a sandwich with it, or just sort of climb in and have a little nap.

Here all holders of a beverage must compete in a sort of awkward drinking dance, in which everyone must make very, very obvious eye contact with every one else, in turn, and all glasses MUST touch all other glasses.

Including carpeting your bathroom, naturally… Adam Fletcher, Startup Hipster and honorary German, shares his insights into the top tips to becoming a real citizen of Schland.

To many Germans, Berlin is not really their capital, it's more like a giant art project or social experiment that only turns up when hungover, and in need of a hand out.

For Germans, that happy place is swimming naked in a lake of Apfelsaftschorle.

Possibly those two are also related, but since I can't think of any jokes in the linking of them, I'll conveniently ignore that and just move on.

This removes the option for the receiver (and joke's victim) to be allowed to be offended.

It’ll look like someone broke in and while hunting for valuables just tipped the contents of all the cupboards out onto the table.

Tired after a long day of stamping and form filling, confronted with a 15-page long restaurant menu, baffled by the burdens of choice, they always retreat to their happy place and order Apfelsaftschorle.

After finding dogs too easy and maliable to his whim, he set out to look for a tougher challenge, one that has until now, received less attention.

#5 Dress seriously Plan made for the day?

There are no humans around.

Some said they'd run out of ideas by the end, when they suggested opening it on the edge of a Turtles shell.

As for saying what you mean, Germans have rightly realised that sugar coating is best reserved for cakes.

#5 Dress seriously Plan made for the day?

Needless to say, if you've been to such an event and seen seven stacked tubs of Kartoffelsalat, you'll already know it was a perfect success.

Friends of my room-mates would come by, the TV would be setup in the kitchen, elaborate meals would be cooked and shared, then silence would descend and Tatort would begin.

Now I just eat eszet with everything, and slowly I’ve learnt to eat more and also slower, during the long drawn out German breakfasts.

If I'm having one of my momentary delusions of grandeur I know I can rely on my German girlfriend to bring me swiftly back down to reality by saying something like "get over yourself, we're all born naked and shit in the toilet".

If I'm having one of my momentary delusions of grandeur I know I can rely on my German girlfriend to bring me swiftly back down to reality by saying something like "get over yourself, we're all born naked and shit in the toilet".

While us Brits where out living it up on bank sponsored credit, spending hundreds of thousands of pounds on these little boxes where we'd house ourselves, the Germans stayed in their rented homes, in their beloved kitchens, baking their pantry full of yet more delicious German bread.

ALWAYS SEND FRIENDLY GREETINGS It's an accepted internet rule that you can say pretty much whatever you want, as long as you put :) at the end.

Of course, it won’t taste like that to you, with your funny foreign pallet.

Sometimes I'm not sure whether to make a sandwich with it, or just sort of climb in and have a little nap.

That would be a large faux pas of the social variety.

KNOW THE ANSWER IS TO BRING KARTOFFELSALAT You are probably aware of the eminent Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov and his work on the conditioning of dogs, who he trained to salivate on demand, just by his ringing a small bell.

Don’t step off of the Bettvorleger yet, there is a very high chance that the floors will be ever so slightly colder than you expect!

Here, it’s the letters before or after our full name, letters we use when addressing each other, for example Herr Dr or Frau Prof Dr.h.c Schmidt, none of this first name over-familiarity.

Then, confident at all the little snippets you’ve already accumulated, you’ll start learning the grammar, the putty that builds your mutterings into real, coherent German sentences.

Tired after a long day of stamping and form filling, confronted with a 15-page long restaurant menu, baffled by the burdens of choice, they always retreat to their happy place and order Apfelsaftschorle.

It’s premise, if I can be so generous as to call it that, was that lots of people touch a truck and then we all wait, the last person to let go off the truck, wins the truck.

Just remember to obey the red man and get some qualifications… This design is available as poster, t-shirt and bag in the Hipstery Store.

Once you've practiced regularly getting to the point, you may find the way to be short but very enjoyable.

You would think since they watch it with such rigid vigour, privately or as part of the public viewings in pubs, they must really love it?

It’s a great comedic joy to live in a country where you can watch tourists and foreigners buying “classic” water, thinking that since for millions of years now “classic” water, you know, the kind that fallen from the sky since the dawn of time, was still, uncarbonated water, it would be the same here, right?

The difference is that English was kind enough to be easy in the beginning, it ramps up slowly and encouragingly.

Planning, Preparation, Process So far, so good.

Two of which must be with a lighter and a spoon.

It sometimes feels like German breakfasts work on a similar premise, only the truck is breakfast.

That’ll help you with maybe 30 per cent of nouns.

You’ll have woken up in your bed, probably because it’s gotten light outside and you don’t have curtains, because curtains are evil and suggest you have something to hide.

For more than a century Germans, smug with their discovery of fizzy water, all their abundant breweries producing fine beers and ales, they didn’t believe it could get any better.

Then, like in Ice Skating, judges, who've been watching from the periphery, hold up scorecards for all participants, showing how successfully they've taken part across a range of criteria such as "did they clink against every glass, in a logical, clockwise manner" and "duration and intensity of eye contact".

How to be German in 20 easy steps – part 1 UPDATE: Know how to be German?

If it’s a weekend, every square inch of the table will be smothered in an assortment of meats, cheeses, fruits, jams, spreads and other condiments.

The first time I experienced breakfast in a German WG it lasted so long that I drifted off into a sort of breakfast coma and they had to wake me with some eszet, which is a sort of chocolate strip you put on bread.

Learning words is fun, most are even similar to English thanks to our shared ancestry, you’ll zip along making great progress and really enjoying wrapping your tongue around such delights as Schwangerschaftsverhütungsmittel, Weltschmerz and Zeitgeist.

It's like a pact was made somewhere at a secret meeting no German was invited to, a referendum of one and now sauerkraut is the official, national side dish.

It was only wheeled out once a week, for Tatort.

Here, it’s the letters before or after our full name, letters we use when addressing each other, for example Herr Dr or Frau Prof Dr.h.c Schmidt, none of this first name over-familiarity.

May I suggest Baked Beans?

Learning words is fun, most are even similar to English thanks to our shared ancestry, you’ll zip along making great progress and really enjoying wrapping your tongue around such delights as Schwangerschaftsverhütungsmittel, Weltschmerz and Zeitgeist.

For a profession to count in Germany, it should have existed for at least a hundred years, be vaguely scientific or at least dense enough that it requires half a life time of study and the opportunity to acquire 67 different academic qualifications.

#8 Obey the red man I think the often exaggerated stereotype that Germans love to follow the rules all comes down to one little illuminated red man.

Related to this is Apfelsaftschorle.

No, what you really risk is the scorn, the tutting and the shouts of “Halt!” from nearby Germans.

LOOK FOR A JOB Good news Ausländer, the German economy is rocking.

When I first arrived here, I prosted as I would in England, maybe we touched glasses, maybe we just lifted them ever so slightly more than we would need to reach our mouths, in a short gesture, before lowering it again and drinking.

My pet theory is that the Germans, despite their committed efforts, were not as successful as the English in their world power plays and so the English language has always, historically, been forced like a bridge made of glue to ford whatever cultural divide lay between us and whoever we were conquering, sorry colonising this week, so we had to smooth down its rougher edges, which is a poetic way of saying, kick out all the hard bits.

The Germans consider anything else an act of ankle suicide.

I'm not even going to question the logic of signing off with the greeting, an act traditionally saved for the beginning.

Now, you’ll need to carefully make up your half of the bed (you should be sleeping in a double bed made up of two single mattresses and two single duvets).

My pet theory is that the Germans, despite their committed efforts, were not as successful as the English in their world power plays and so the English language has always, historically, been forced like a bridge made of glue to ford whatever cultural divide lay between us and whoever we were conquering, sorry colonising this week, so we had to smooth down its rougher edges, which is a poetic way of saying, kick out all the hard bits.

Then, confident at all the little snippets you’ve already accumulated, you’ll start learning the grammar, the putty that builds your mutterings into real, coherent German sentences.

SPEAK FREELY ABOUT SEX It is a great joy to live in a society that deals with sex so frankly and without fuss.

This removes the option for the receiver (and joke's victim) to be allowed to be offended.

The difference is that English was kind enough to be easy in the beginning, it ramps up slowly and encouragingly.

I would like to be able to tell you why Germans are so in love with their house shoes, I’ve asked several but still have no definitive answer.

If there is even the slightest possibility you may at some point leave a pavement, be sure you are wearing high-quality hiking boots.

If not, when visiting the homes of your new German friends, you’ll request tap water and they’ll look at you like you are some primitive savage they just found in the woods covered in a blanket of your own hair.

Germans absolutely hate the stereotype that they're a nation of obsessive sauerkraut eaters.

You get in, do what you’ve got to do, get out.The living room is the heart of the home.

You know in movies when people go to therapy and then the therapist asks them to create a happy place.

You would think since they watch it with such rigid vigour, privately or as part of the public viewings in pubs, they must really love it?

You need – expensive outdoor clothing!

It dances to its own illogical, changeable tune.

ALWAYS SEND FRIENDLY GREETINGS It's an accepted internet rule that you can say pretty much whatever you want, as long as you put :) at the end.

The first time I experienced breakfast in a German WG it lasted so long that I drifted off into a sort of breakfast coma and they had to wake me with some eszet, which is a sort of chocolate strip you put on bread.

I would like to be able to tell you why Germans are so in love with their house shoes, I’ve asked several but still have no definitive answer.

Even in the East, where formerly abandoned cities like Leipzig have redeveloped themselves into logistics hubs.

His goal was that when anyone said to a German "You're invited to a party" or "Let's have a BBQ" they would instinctively think "I'll make a Kartoffelsalat".

You’re going to need to get appropriately dressed.

The worst gameshow I’ve ever seen was an English one called “Touch the truck”.

The only logical reason why Germans can open bottles with just about anything, except bottle openers, must be that bottle openers didn't arrive here until 2011.

If there is even the slightest possibility you may at some point leave a pavement, be sure you are wearing high-quality hiking boots.

How to be German in 20 easy steps – part 1 UPDATE: Know how to be German?

Now, you’ll need to carefully make up your half of the bed (you should be sleeping in a double bed made up of two single mattresses and two single duvets).

You would think since they watch it with such rigid vigour, privately or as part of the public viewings in pubs, they must really love it?

Not because they’ve not told me, but because the answer is so incredibly unromantic, so sensible, practical and boring that my happy little barefoot brain has no idea where to store information of that nature and so just gives up committing it to memory.

You have a table, water, coffee, food, radio, serious, correct-posture-encouraging seating.

No, what you really risk is the scorn, the tutting and the shouts of “Halt!” from nearby Germans.

Now I just eat eszet with everything, and slowly I’ve learnt to eat more and also slower, during the long drawn out German breakfasts.

So cold you may go into some kind of morning shock.

Usually it’s a beach, or a rocking chair on the front porch of an idyllic childhood home?

I didn’t know you could legally combine chocolate and bread, it was quite a revelation.

What it lacks in nocturnal romance, it more than makes up for in practicality, the most prized of German possessions.

Look at you, you’re up early, you’ve got your radio on, no doubt some Depeche Mode is blasting out, you’re eating a slow and ponderous German breakfast, you’re acclimatising very well, young Ausländer.

The first time I experienced breakfast in a German WG it lasted so long that I drifted off into a sort of breakfast coma and they had to wake me with some eszet, which is a sort of chocolate strip you put on bread.

Two of which must be with a lighter and a spoon.

Just remember to obey the red man and get some qualifications… This design is available as poster, t-shirt and bag in the Hipstery Store.

Here’s our Top 10 tips for being English.

Who will now consider you an irresponsible, possibly suicidal, social renegade.

You have a table, water, coffee, food, radio, serious, correct-posture-encouraging seating.

Make spreadsheets, charts and lists.

Best dress on the safe side.

If not, when visiting the homes of your new German friends, you’ll request tap water and they’ll look at you like you are some primitive savage they just found in the woods covered in a blanket of your own hair.

Is it possible you arrange your shoe storage so that the most used items are nearer the top, reducing bending time?

You have a table, water, coffee, food, radio, serious, correct-posture-encouraging seating.

Here, it’s the letters before or after our full name, letters we use when addressing each other, for example Herr Dr or Frau Prof Dr.h.c Schmidt, none of this first name over-familiarity.

You get in, do what you’ve got to do, get out.The living room is the heart of the home.

It packs quite the visual punch.

Friends of my room-mates would come by, the TV would be setup in the kitchen, elaborate meals would be cooked and shared, then silence would descend and Tatort would begin.

Then some bright spark tried adding a little apple juice to that fizzy water.

It’s a great comedic joy to live in a country where you can watch tourists and foreigners buying “classic” water, thinking that since for millions of years now “classic” water, you know, the kind that fallen from the sky since the dawn of time, was still, uncarbonated water, it would be the same here, right?

A day in which washing your car is considered an act of vigilantism against the sacred Sonntagsruhe.

Deutsch is mostly an incomprehensible jumble of exceptions.

#5 Dress seriously Plan made for the day?

It's quiet.

enquire about their health, their families health, their children’s health, the weather, the activities of the previous weekend, the plans of the upcoming weekend, the joy or ecstasy related to the outcome of the most recent televised football match, then, finally, you can say "by the way", after which you begin the actual point of the conversation, before reinforcing that you feel guilty for having to ask, and only if it's no trouble, but would they be so kind as to possibly do this

Including carpeting your bathroom, naturally… Adam Fletcher, Startup Hipster and honorary German, shares his insights into the top tips to becoming a real citizen of Schland.

For a country to have elevated it so highly, shows a startling lack of imagination.

KNOW THE ANSWER IS TO BRING KARTOFFELSALAT You are probably aware of the eminent Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov and his work on the conditioning of dogs, who he trained to salivate on demand, just by his ringing a small bell.

Consider it an elaborate exercise in self-control.

Tired after a long day of stamping and form filling, confronted with a 15-page long restaurant menu, baffled by the burdens of choice, they always retreat to their happy place and order Apfelsaftschorle.

So, plucky Ausländer before you go out into the jungle and start swinging from its high branches, it’s wise you be sensibly insured.

English, at least linguistically, has always been the biggest slut in the room.

When I first started learning the language, which mostly consisted of me getting nowhere and just sitting around bitching about it, I was gently reminded by a friend that some of the smartest things ever written were written in this language.

#1 Put on your house shoes So, here we are then my little Ausländer.

It’s premise, if I can be so generous as to call it that, was that lots of people touch a truck and then we all wait, the last person to let go off the truck, wins the truck.

Even the humble doorbell offers an opportunity for neighbour one-upmanship, where academic qualifications can be listed.

Here, it’s the letters before or after our full name, letters we use when addressing each other, for example Herr Dr or Frau Prof Dr.h.c Schmidt, none of this first name over-familiarity.

After all, you’re going outdoors, it’s called outdoor clothing, therefore it must be necessary.

For Germans, that happy place is swimming naked in a lake of Apfelsaftschorle.

A dungeon designed to trap foreigners and hold them hostage, repeatedly flogging them with impenetrable and largely useless grammatical devices, whose only merit is to very, very, explicitly state who has what and what is being done to whom, by whom.

You’ll have woken up in your bed, probably because it’s gotten light outside and you don’t have curtains, because curtains are evil and suggest you have something to hide.

Wurst is terribly boring.

Learning words and learning the grammar.

A dungeon designed to trap foreigners and hold them hostage, repeatedly flogging them with impenetrable and largely useless grammatical devices, whose only merit is to very, very, explicitly state who has what and what is being done to whom, by whom.

You get in, do what you’ve got to do, get out.The living room is the heart of the home.

A dungeon designed to trap foreigners and hold them hostage, repeatedly flogging them with impenetrable and largely useless grammatical devices, whose only merit is to very, very, explicitly state who has what and what is being done to whom, by whom.

You’ll waste so much time memorising genders (PRO TIP: never learn a noun without its article, going back later and adding them in is very time consuming and inefficient).

Sex, while perhaps dealt with a little clinically at times, is not a big deal and must not be treated as such.

In English, for example, if you want something to do something for you, you do not merely go up to that person and ask them to do something for you.

It sometimes feels like German breakfasts work on a similar premise, only the truck is breakfast.

The Germans consider anything else an act of ankle suicide.

While us Brits where out living it up on bank sponsored credit, spending hundreds of thousands of pounds on these little boxes where we'd house ourselves, the Germans stayed in their rented homes, in their beloved kitchens, baking their pantry full of yet more delicious German bread.

#1 Put on your house shoes So, here we are then my little Ausländer.

Usually it’s a beach, or a rocking chair on the front porch of an idyllic childhood home?

If there is even the slightest possibility you may at some point leave a pavement, be sure you are wearing high-quality hiking boots.

It's like a pact was made somewhere at a secret meeting no German was invited to, a referendum of one and now sauerkraut is the official, national side dish.

If it’s a weekend, every square inch of the table will be smothered in an assortment of meats, cheeses, fruits, jams, spreads and other condiments.

I don’t care if you’re 17, it’s taking you nearly a full minute to get your shoes on, buy a shoe horn!

It was forced to evolve in a way that German had not been.

How to be German in 20 easy steps – part 1 UPDATE: Know how to be German?

You’ll have woken up in your bed, probably because it’s gotten light outside and you don’t have curtains, because curtains are evil and suggest you have something to hide.

When I first started learning the language, which mostly consisted of me getting nowhere and just sitting around bitching about it, I was gently reminded by a friend that some of the smartest things ever written were written in this language.

Is it possible you arrange your shoe storage so that the most used items are nearer the top, reducing bending time?

It’ll look like someone broke in and while hunting for valuables just tipped the contents of all the cupboards out onto the table.

It’s also a description of the average Sunday in Germany.

Just remember to obey the red man and get some qualifications… This design is available as poster, t-shirt and bag in the Hipstery Store.

If it’s a weekend, every square inch of the table will be smothered in an assortment of meats, cheeses, fruits, jams, spreads and other condiments.

So, plucky Ausländer before you go out into the jungle and start swinging from its high branches, it’s wise you be sensibly insured.

Here, it’s the letters before or after our full name, letters we use when addressing each other, for example Herr Dr or Frau Prof Dr.h.c Schmidt, none of this first name over-familiarity.

It’ll look like someone broke in and while hunting for valuables just tipped the contents of all the cupboards out onto the table.

As for saying what you mean, Germans have rightly realised that sugar coating is best reserved for cakes.

But someone must love it, or sauerkraut is playing a large and elaborate practical joke on the German people because if you order a German meal, in a German restaurant, there is an 87% chance it will come with sauerkraut.

Best dress on the safe side.

Being a good German is about understanding the risks, insuring for what can be insured, preparing for what cannot.

My pet theory is that the Germans, despite their committed efforts, were not as successful as the English in their world power plays and so the English language has always, historically, been forced like a bridge made of glue to ford whatever cultural divide lay between us and whoever we were conquering, sorry colonising this week, so we had to smooth down its rougher edges, which is a poetic way of saying, kick out all the hard bits.

It dances to its own illogical, changeable tune.

How to be German in 20 easy steps – part 1 UPDATE: Know how to be German?

Usually it’s a beach, or a rocking chair on the front porch of an idyllic childhood home?

It's like walking the dog or taking out the trash.

SPEAK FREELY ABOUT SEX It is a great joy to live in a society that deals with sex so frankly and without fuss.

#8 Obey the red man I think the often exaggerated stereotype that Germans love to follow the rules all comes down to one little illuminated red man.

A dungeon designed to trap foreigners and hold them hostage, repeatedly flogging them with impenetrable and largely useless grammatical devices, whose only merit is to very, very, explicitly state who has what and what is being done to whom, by whom.

But the Germans, on account of their excellent school system (at least in comparison to the English), and the extraordinarily long time they tend to study (now reducing as they’ve adopted the Bachelor/Masters system) are an intellectual bunch.

Germans didn't read the blog, they knew all these ways already.

For the Germans, it’s a different story, they are happiest and spend the most time in their kitchens.

You have a table, water, coffee, food, radio, serious, correct-posture-encouraging seating.

You can be as mean as you want, as long as your message is gift wrapped in a parting LG or MFG.

To make it easier, just go to the same place.

A safe, tranquil spot they can turn to when the world gets too big and scary.

FEEL MIXED ABOUT BERLIN The average German has a complex relationship to its Hauptstadt.

Insurances in place?

They get up, and leave the room, stepping gingerly out into the hall.

Including carpeting your bathroom, naturally… Adam Fletcher, Startup Hipster and honorary German, shares his insights into the top tips to becoming a real citizen of Schland.

Tired after a long day of stamping and form filling, confronted with a 15-page long restaurant menu, baffled by the burdens of choice, they always retreat to their happy place and order Apfelsaftschorle.

Learning words is fun, most are even similar to English thanks to our shared ancestry, you’ll zip along making great progress and really enjoying wrapping your tongue around such delights as Schwangerschaftsverhütungsmittel, Weltschmerz and Zeitgeist.

When I first started learning the language, which mostly consisted of me getting nowhere and just sitting around bitching about it, I was gently reminded by a friend that some of the smartest things ever written were written in this language.

Germans have a similar rule for their communication, but they've substituted the smiley face for LG (lovely greetings/regards, crudely translated) or MFG (with friendly greetings), VG (many greetings) or the highly innovative, new, MVFLG (with many friendly lovely greetings), which I may or may not have just made up.

Trying to make you like it.

What it lacks in nocturnal romance, it more than makes up for in practicality, the most prized of German possessions.

The worst gameshow I’ve ever seen was an English one called “Touch the truck”.

If someone invented insurance insurance, an insurance against not having the right insurance, we’d all be treated to the sight of 80 million people dying of happiness.

For the Germans, it’s a different story, they are happiest and spend the most time in their kitchens.

Yet, without knowing the gender of the noun, you can’t accurately decline the endings of the sentences, nouns and adjectives or adverbs.

It's very time consuming for German men to have to keep pulling their penises out for comparison against the other men they meet.

When I questioned one of my colleagues on the need for such overt nakedness when an East Germans spots any body of water larger than a puddle, this was the reply "if you've never swum naked with 5 of your best male friends, you haven't lived!"

The English tend to treat it purely as a room of function, like the toilet, only with a fridge.

German retained the grammatical complexity of Old English.

Once you've practiced regularly getting to the point, you may find the way to be short but very enjoyable.

When I first started learning the language, which mostly consisted of me getting nowhere and just sitting around bitching about it, I was gently reminded by a friend that some of the smartest things ever written were written in this language.

Your first day as an aspiring German.

For a country to have elevated it so highly, shows a startling lack of imagination.

You can expect occasional smirks and reassuring pats on the shoulder, when you tell them you only have a BA in Theatre Studies, as if they’ve a new found respect for the fact you’ve managed to dress yourself properly.

English, at least linguistically, has always been the biggest slut in the room.

Just remember to obey the red man and get some qualifications… This design is available as poster, t-shirt and bag in the Hipstery Store.

Friends of my room-mates would come by, the TV would be setup in the kitchen, elaborate meals would be cooked and shared, then silence would descend and Tatort would begin.

Someone wakes up in bed, in a locked room.

An act so common there is even compelling evidence our lame parents engaged in it.

It’s a great comedic joy to live in a country where you can watch tourists and foreigners buying “classic” water, thinking that since for millions of years now “classic” water, you know, the kind that fallen from the sky since the dawn of time, was still, uncarbonated water, it would be the same here, right?

The English tend to treat it purely as a room of function, like the toilet, only with a fridge.

#2 Eat a long breakfast Coming from England, I was very surprised to see how important the kitchen is to the German people.

If not, when visiting the homes of your new German friends, you’ll request tap water and they’ll look at you like you are some primitive savage they just found in the woods covered in a blanket of your own hair.

Learning words is fun, most are even similar to English thanks to our shared ancestry, you’ll zip along making great progress and really enjoying wrapping your tongue around such delights as Schwangerschaftsverhütungsmittel, Weltschmerz and Zeitgeist.

Take genders as an example, present in Old English, still present in German, yet assigned utterly arbitrarily.

Since then they've been viewed with suspicion and anyone caught using one declared a witch and burnt at the stake.

You’ll have woken up in your bed, probably because it’s gotten light outside and you don’t have curtains, because curtains are evil and suggest you have something to hide.

I don’t care if you’re 17, it’s taking you nearly a full minute to get your shoes on, buy a shoe horn!

Outside is this thing called nature, nature is fickle and not to be trusted!

But other accepted professions are scientist, lawyer, doctor, teacher, something that involves organising things on a large scale, like logistics, or anything to do with cars.

German just plonks you down in front of a steep mountain, says “viel spass” and walks off as you begin your slow ascent.

Then some bright spark tried adding a little apple juice to that fizzy water.

If you are offended, that's your fault, you should have a sense of humour.

You can be as mean as you want, as long as your message is gift wrapped in a parting LG or MFG.

My pet theory is that the Germans, despite their committed efforts, were not as successful as the English in their world power plays and so the English language has always, historically, been forced like a bridge made of glue to ford whatever cultural divide lay between us and whoever we were conquering, sorry colonising this week, so we had to smooth down its rougher edges, which is a poetic way of saying, kick out all the hard bits.

It’s a great comedic joy to live in a country where you can watch tourists and foreigners buying “classic” water, thinking that since for millions of years now “classic” water, you know, the kind that fallen from the sky since the dawn of time, was still, uncarbonated water, it would be the same here, right?

Sometimes I'm not sure whether to make a sandwich with it, or just sort of climb in and have a little nap.

Creating something equally refreshing, but 6 per cent more fun!

If you want to be one, you need to think like one, which is a big task and we’ll cover it in more detail in later steps.

It's also a source of wider German mirth since while only one part of this huge country, it's responsible for 91% of all wider held German stereotypes and 100% of the annoying, inaccurate ones.

enquire about their health, their families health, their children’s health, the weather, the activities of the previous weekend, the plans of the upcoming weekend, the joy or ecstasy related to the outcome of the most recent televised football match, then, finally, you can say "by the way", after which you begin the actual point of the conversation, before reinforcing that you feel guilty for having to ask, and only if it's no trouble, but would they be so kind as to possibly do this

Otherwise when people ask you your job, the same will happen to you as happens to me, I reply "I'm a marketer", at which point someone says, "that's not really a job though, is it?"

LOL optional, but encouraged.

Don’t step off of the Bettvorleger yet, there is a very high chance that the floors will be ever so slightly colder than you expect!

The difference is that English was kind enough to be easy in the beginning, it ramps up slowly and encouragingly.

They made a shocked face, as if that's a new question and they've not really thought about it before, like you asked them "do you believe in gravity?" then, usually, they'll conclude that whether Tatort is good or bad is utterly irrelevant.

If you want to be one, you need to think like one, which is a big task and we’ll cover it in more detail in later steps.

#8 Obey the red man I think the often exaggerated stereotype that Germans love to follow the rules all comes down to one little illuminated red man.

#2 Eat a long breakfast Coming from England, I was very surprised to see how important the kitchen is to the German people.

Your first day as an aspiring German.

Now I just eat eszet with everything, and slowly I’ve learnt to eat more and also slower, during the long drawn out German breakfasts.

You get in, do what you’ve got to do, get out.The living room is the heart of the home.

If you want to be one, you need to think like one, which is a big task and we’ll cover it in more detail in later steps.

Don’t step off of the Bettvorleger yet, there is a very high chance that the floors will be ever so slightly colder than you expect!

It packs quite the visual punch.

Vanity always needs an audience, it’s no different with intellectual vanity.

So cold you may go into some kind of morning shock.

#1 Put on your house shoes So, here we are then my little Ausländer.

It’s premise, if I can be so generous as to call it that, was that lots of people touch a truck and then we all wait, the last person to let go off the truck, wins the truck.

A child's finger painting masquerading as high art.

Easy, come on.

You big silly.

So armed with all those new qualifications and letters before your name, you'll have no problems finding work.

All the other Germans go there, there must be something to it.

Outside is this thing called nature, nature is fickle and not to be trusted!

A day in which washing your car is considered an act of vigilantism against the sacred Sonntagsruhe.

An outdated idea in English culture, where everything is on a first-name basis, I am Adam, he is John, it’s what in our heads that shows our qualifications and intelligence.

There is an unspoken scale of careers, known, but not acknowledged by all Germans.

If there is even the slightest possibility you may at some point leave a pavement, be sure you are wearing high-quality hiking boots.

They’ve correctly realised, if trouble does come calling, they’ll be best prepared for it by holing up in their kitchens.

If I'm having one of my momentary delusions of grandeur I know I can rely on my German girlfriend to bring me swiftly back down to reality by saying something like "get over yourself, we're all born naked and shit in the toilet".

So sit down now and make a plan for the day, then the week, then the month.

You can expect occasional smirks and reassuring pats on the shoulder, when you tell them you only have a BA in Theatre Studies, as if they’ve a new found respect for the fact you’ve managed to dress yourself properly.

It was only wheeled out once a week, for Tatort.

KNOW THE ANSWER IS TO BRING KARTOFFELSALAT You are probably aware of the eminent Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov and his work on the conditioning of dogs, who he trained to salivate on demand, just by his ringing a small bell.

This is reflected in their bread, which is serious.

German retained the grammatical complexity of Old English.

If you want to be one, you need to think like one, which is a big task and we’ll cover it in more detail in later steps.

Usually it’s a beach, or a rocking chair on the front porch of an idyllic childhood home?

Friends of my room-mates would come by, the TV would be setup in the kitchen, elaborate meals would be cooked and shared, then silence would descend and Tatort would begin.

Here’s our Top 10 tips for being English.

Of course, it won’t taste like that to you, with your funny foreign pallet.

So they've evolved other ways to rank themselves, the favourite being cars.

Important is the weight (ideally more than an average new born baby), the colour (rich and dark, like, em, um...swamp mud) and the texture (slightly damp concrete).

#2 Eat a long breakfast Coming from England, I was very surprised to see how important the kitchen is to the German people.

Not because they’ve not told me, but because the answer is so incredibly unromantic, so sensible, practical and boring that my happy little barefoot brain has no idea where to store information of that nature and so just gives up committing it to memory.

It’ll look like someone broke in and while hunting for valuables just tipped the contents of all the cupboards out onto the table.

Guardian and God of the crossing pedestrian.

Not because they’ve not told me, but because the answer is so incredibly unromantic, so sensible, practical and boring that my happy little barefoot brain has no idea where to store information of that nature and so just gives up committing it to memory.

After finding dogs too easy and maliable to his whim, he set out to look for a tougher challenge, one that has until now, received less attention.

#7 Get some more qualifications When I first moved here I was given the advice that “while in England, it’s he who drinks the most and doesn’t vomit on his shoes, that gets the girl, here it’s he who knows the most about philosophy that gets the girl”.

So cold you may go into some kind of morning shock.

When I first started learning the language, which mostly consisted of me getting nowhere and just sitting around bitching about it, I was gently reminded by a friend that some of the smartest things ever written were written in this language.

Which is utterly pointless anyway, and does next to nothing to increase comprehension but without it you’ll say very embarrassing things like einer grosser Wasser, instead of ein grosses wasser.

Then some bright spark tried adding a little apple juice to that fizzy water.

You’ll need all that self-control not to freak out and start shooting the first time you visit the Ausländerbehörde and find out they don’t speak English.

A child's finger painting masquerading as high art.

You get in, do what you’ve got to do, get out.The living room is the heart of the home.

Get some of those funky Jack Wolfskin shrousers, the trousers that zip off into shorts.

How to be German in 20 easy steps – part 1 UPDATE: Know how to be German?

In comparison when I see German bread, I have the urge to thump my chest and shout "Jawohl".

In conclusion, German cuisine is to the world of food, what the band Eiffel 65 are to the history of popular music: present, but largely a footnote.?You are probably wondering how I wrote an entire entry about German food without mentioning that lumpy S word – Sauerkraut.

Here, it’s the letters before or after our full name, letters we use when addressing each other, for example Herr Dr or Frau Prof Dr.h.c Schmidt, none of this first name over-familiarity.

Learning words is fun, most are even similar to English thanks to our shared ancestry, you’ll zip along making great progress and really enjoying wrapping your tongue around such delights as Schwangerschaftsverhütungsmittel, Weltschmerz and Zeitgeist.

For Germans, that happy place is swimming naked in a lake of Apfelsaftschorle.

In principle, it’s not that hard.

When I questioned one of my colleagues on the need for such overt nakedness when an East Germans spots any body of water larger than a puddle, this was the reply "if you've never swum naked with 5 of your best male friends, you haven't lived!"

If I'm having one of my momentary delusions of grandeur I know I can rely on my German girlfriend to bring me swiftly back down to reality by saying something like "get over yourself, we're all born naked and shit in the toilet".

My pet theory is that the Germans, despite their committed efforts, were not as successful as the English in their world power plays and so the English language has always, historically, been forced like a bridge made of glue to ford whatever cultural divide lay between us and whoever we were conquering, sorry colonising this week, so we had to smooth down its rougher edges, which is a poetic way of saying, kick out all the hard bits.

Don’t step off of the Bettvorleger yet, there is a very high chance that the floors will be ever so slightly colder than you expect!

Sex, while perhaps dealt with a little clinically at times, is not a big deal and must not be treated as such.

If there is even the slightest possibility you may at some point leave a pavement, be sure you are wearing high-quality hiking boots.

Of course there are far harder languages to learn than German, that’s not my point.

Otherwise when people ask you your job, the same will happen to you as happens to me, I reply "I'm a marketer", at which point someone says, "that's not really a job though, is it?"

When I first arrived here, I prosted as I would in England, maybe we touched glasses, maybe we just lifted them ever so slightly more than we would need to reach our mouths, in a short gesture, before lowering it again and drinking.

It works in two stages.

I didn’t know you could legally combine chocolate and bread, it was quite a revelation.

#1 Put on your house shoes So, here we are then my little Ausländer.

SPEAK FREELY ABOUT SEX It is a great joy to live in a society that deals with sex so frankly and without fuss.

It’ll look like someone broke in and while hunting for valuables just tipped the contents of all the cupboards out onto the table.

Don’t be surprised if the Germans you meet all have personal insurance advisors.

After finding dogs too easy and maliable to his whim, he set out to look for a tougher challenge, one that has until now, received less attention.

It’ll look like someone broke in and while hunting for valuables just tipped the contents of all the cupboards out onto the table.

It then had the audacity to become the richest state, but not quietly and with humility, but in a gregarious, badly dressed, heavy drinking, God greeting, bumpkin sort of way.

They’ve correctly realised, if trouble does come calling, they’ll be best prepared for it by holing up in their kitchens.

Don’t step off of the Bettvorleger yet, there is a very high chance that the floors will be ever so slightly colder than you expect!

Now, you’ll need to carefully make up your half of the bed (you should be sleeping in a double bed made up of two single mattresses and two single duvets).

They're also pretty good at making them.

Here’s our Top 10 tips for being English.

A dungeon designed to trap foreigners and hold them hostage, repeatedly flogging them with impenetrable and largely useless grammatical devices, whose only merit is to very, very, explicitly state who has what and what is being done to whom, by whom.

You’ll need all that self-control not to freak out and start shooting the first time you visit the Ausländerbehörde and find out they don’t speak English.

Don’t step off of the Bettvorleger yet, there is a very high chance that the floors will be ever so slightly colder than you expect!

The other notable time of year is Spargel Saison, where the country goes gaga as the almightly Spargel is being waved around everywhere, like a sort of culinary magic wand, which coincidentally it does rather resemble.

When I questioned one of my colleagues on the need for such overt nakedness when an East Germans spots any body of water larger than a puddle, this was the reply "if you've never swum naked with 5 of your best male friends, you haven't lived!"

They venture outside to try and find signs of humanity.

I don’t care if you’re 17, it’s taking you nearly a full minute to get your shoes on, buy a shoe horn!

Even the humble doorbell offers an opportunity for neighbour one-upmanship, where academic qualifications can be listed.

Then, like in Ice Skating, judges, who've been watching from the periphery, hold up scorecards for all participants, showing how successfully they've taken part across a range of criteria such as "did they clink against every glass, in a logical, clockwise manner" and "duration and intensity of eye contact".

Just remember to obey the red man and get some qualifications… This design is available as poster, t-shirt and bag in the Hipstery Store.

If someone invented insurance insurance, an insurance against not having the right insurance, we’d all be treated to the sight of 80 million people dying of happiness.

You’ll need all that self-control not to freak out and start shooting the first time you visit the Ausländerbehörde and find out they don’t speak English.

SPEAK FREELY ABOUT SEX It is a great joy to live in a society that deals with sex so frankly and without fuss.

You can expect occasional smirks and reassuring pats on the shoulder, when you tell them you only have a BA in Theatre Studies, as if they’ve a new found respect for the fact you’ve managed to dress yourself properly.

They get up, and leave the room, stepping gingerly out into the hall.

So, plucky Ausländer before you go out into the jungle and start swinging from its high branches, it’s wise you be sensibly insured.

Just remember to obey the red man and get some qualifications… This design is available as poster, t-shirt and bag in the Hipstery Store.

A safe, tranquil spot they can turn to when the world gets too big and scary.

Look at you, you’re up early, you’ve got your radio on, no doubt some Depeche Mode is blasting out, you’re eating a slow and ponderous German breakfast, you’re acclimatising very well, young Ausländer.

It sometimes feels like German breakfasts work on a similar premise, only the truck is breakfast.

English, at least linguistically, has always been the biggest slut in the room.

The worst gameshow I’ve ever seen was an English one called “Touch the truck”.

My pet theory is that the Germans, despite their committed efforts, were not as successful as the English in their world power plays and so the English language has always, historically, been forced like a bridge made of glue to ford whatever cultural divide lay between us and whoever we were conquering, sorry colonising this week, so we had to smooth down its rougher edges, which is a poetic way of saying, kick out all the hard bits.

So sit down now and make a plan for the day, then the week, then the month.

As opposed to that fluffy white English nonsense, which they see as an unforgivable waste of yeast.

They start to wonder if they are the only people left on earth.

If it’s a weekend, every square inch of the table will be smothered in an assortment of meats, cheeses, fruits, jams, spreads and other condiments.

While us Brits where out living it up on bank sponsored credit, spending hundreds of thousands of pounds on these little boxes where we'd house ourselves, the Germans stayed in their rented homes, in their beloved kitchens, baking their pantry full of yet more delicious German bread.

LEARN HOW TO OPEN A BEER BOTTLE WITH ANYTHING BUT A BOTTLE OPENER The bottle opener has existed in various formats since about 1738.

It's also a source of wider German mirth since while only one part of this huge country, it's responsible for 91% of all wider held German stereotypes and 100% of the annoying, inaccurate ones.

The English tend to treat it purely as a room of function, like the toilet, only with a fridge.

You have a table, water, coffee, food, radio, serious, correct-posture-encouraging seating.

You’ll waste so much time memorising genders (PRO TIP: never learn a noun without its article, going back later and adding them in is very time consuming and inefficient).

Don’t step off of the Bettvorleger yet, there is a very high chance that the floors will be ever so slightly colder than you expect!

#1 Put on your house shoes So, here we are then my little Ausländer.

Try and think of something a little more imaginative.

Now, you’ll need to carefully make up your half of the bed (you should be sleeping in a double bed made up of two single mattresses and two single duvets).

While us Brits where out living it up on bank sponsored credit, spending hundreds of thousands of pounds on these little boxes where we'd house ourselves, the Germans stayed in their rented homes, in their beloved kitchens, baking their pantry full of yet more delicious German bread.

If you want to be one, you need to think like one, which is a big task and we’ll cover it in more detail in later steps.

FEEL MIXED ABOUT BERLIN The average German has a complex relationship to its Hauptstadt.

To many Germans, Berlin is not really their capital, it's more like a giant art project or social experiment that only turns up when hungover, and in need of a hand out.

For more than a century Germans, smug with their discovery of fizzy water, all their abundant breweries producing fine beers and ales, they didn’t believe it could get any better.

#10 Eat German food Picture from the awesome Wurstbilder It’s hard to discuss German cuisine without mentioning Wurst, at which point you’ll feel like I’m smacking you about the head with the stereotype stick.

I don’t care if you’re 17, it’s taking you nearly a full minute to get your shoes on, buy a shoe horn!

I would like to be able to tell you why Germans are so in love with their house shoes, I’ve asked several but still have no definitive answer.

Not because they’ve not told me, but because the answer is so incredibly unromantic, so sensible, practical and boring that my happy little barefoot brain has no idea where to store information of that nature and so just gives up committing it to memory.

enquire about their health, their families health, their children’s health, the weather, the activities of the previous weekend, the plans of the upcoming weekend, the joy or ecstasy related to the outcome of the most recent televised football match, then, finally, you can say "by the way", after which you begin the actual point of the conversation, before reinforcing that you feel guilty for having to ask, and only if it's no trouble, but would they be so kind as to possibly do this

A dungeon designed to trap foreigners and hold them hostage, repeatedly flogging them with impenetrable and largely useless grammatical devices, whose only merit is to very, very, explicitly state who has what and what is being done to whom, by whom.

I would like to be able to tell you why Germans are so in love with their house shoes, I’ve asked several but still have no definitive answer.

Sure, there are some sort of vague guidelines about how words end or that almost everything to do with time is der.

Berlin is the black sheep of the German family.

What it lacks in nocturnal romance, it more than makes up for in practicality, the most prized of German possessions.

A child's finger painting masquerading as high art.

You can expect occasional smirks and reassuring pats on the shoulder, when you tell them you only have a BA in Theatre Studies, as if they’ve a new found respect for the fact you’ve managed to dress yourself properly.

Germans, being imaginative people ran a little wild with the concept of sensibly insured.

It brings them out in a cold sweat.

An outdated idea in English culture, where everything is on a first-name basis, I am Adam, he is John, it’s what in our heads that shows our qualifications and intelligence.

Usually it’s a beach, or a rocking chair on the front porch of an idyllic childhood home?

Germans, being imaginative people ran a little wild with the concept of sensibly insured.

#7 Get some more qualifications When I first moved here I was given the advice that “while in England, it’s he who drinks the most and doesn’t vomit on his shoes, that gets the girl, here it’s he who knows the most about philosophy that gets the girl”.

WATCH TATORT In my first WG we had a TV attached to a skateboard that lived in a cupboard.

If it’s a weekend, every square inch of the table will be smothered in an assortment of meats, cheeses, fruits, jams, spreads and other condiments.

I would like to be able to tell you why Germans are so in love with their house shoes, I’ve asked several but still have no definitive answer.

But other accepted professions are scientist, lawyer, doctor, teacher, something that involves organising things on a large scale, like logistics, or anything to do with cars.

There’s a time and place for fun, and it’s to be pre-decided and marked in the calendar.

But someone must love it, or sauerkraut is playing a large and elaborate practical joke on the German people because if you order a German meal, in a German restaurant, there is an 87% chance it will come with sauerkraut.

A safe, tranquil spot they can turn to when the world gets too big and scary.

Giving and taking from other languages.

Don’t step off of the Bettvorleger yet, there is a very high chance that the floors will be ever so slightly colder than you expect!

It’s a great comedic joy to live in a country where you can watch tourists and foreigners buying “classic” water, thinking that since for millions of years now “classic” water, you know, the kind that fallen from the sky since the dawn of time, was still, uncarbonated water, it would be the same here, right?

Nudity is extended the same perfunctory familiarity.

Now I just eat eszet with everything, and slowly I’ve learnt to eat more and also slower, during the long drawn out German breakfasts.

To them, the true capital is probably somewhere more like Frankfurt.

#6 Speak German Every nation has done things it should be embarrassed about.

#10 Eat German food Picture from the awesome Wurstbilder It’s hard to discuss German cuisine without mentioning Wurst, at which point you’ll feel like I’m smacking you about the head with the stereotype stick.

There’s a time and place for fun, and it’s to be pre-decided and marked in the calendar.

You can be as mean as you want, as long as your message is gift wrapped in a parting LG or MFG.

You have a table, water, coffee, food, radio, serious, correct-posture-encouraging seating.

It then had the audacity to become the richest state, but not quietly and with humility, but in a gregarious, badly dressed, heavy drinking, God greeting, bumpkin sort of way.

Is it possible you arrange your shoe storage so that the most used items are nearer the top, reducing bending time?

It’ll look like someone broke in and while hunting for valuables just tipped the contents of all the cupboards out onto the table.

As for saying what you mean, Germans have rightly realised that sugar coating is best reserved for cakes.

You’ll need all that self-control not to freak out and start shooting the first time you visit the Ausländerbehörde and find out they don’t speak English.

The difference is that English was kind enough to be easy in the beginning, it ramps up slowly and encouragingly.