The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy

What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his to wel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with.

Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the west ern spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.

Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ni nety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly pr imitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.

Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ni nety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly pr imitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.

Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ni nety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly pr imitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.

Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ni nety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly pr imitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.

In ot her words he was a carbon-based life form descended from an ape.

Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ni nety-two million miles is an utterly insignificant little blue green planet whose ape-descended life forms are so amazingly pr imitive that they still think digital watches are a pretty neat idea.

This planet has - or rather had - a problem, which wa s this: most of the people on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.

Many solutions were suggeste d for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd becaus e on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.

Many solutions were suggeste d for this problem, but most of these were largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, which is odd becaus e on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of paper that were unhappy.

This always ha ppened when he felt miserable and put upon, and he had never been able to explain it to himself.

Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all ma de a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place.

Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all ma de a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place.

Then suddenly he squatted down beside Arthur.

He didn't realize that this was because of an ol d drinking game that Ford learned to pl ay in the hyperspace ports that served the madranite mining belts in the star system of Orion Beta.

Sadly, however, before she could get to a phone to te ll anyone about it, a terribly stupid catastrophe occurred, and the idea was lost forever.

Sadly, however, before she could get to a phone to te ll anyone about it, a terribly stupid catastrophe occurred, and the idea was lost forever.

But it is the story of that terrible stupid ca tastrophe and some of its consequences.

It is also the story of a book, a book called The Hitch Hi ker's Guide to the Galaxy - not an Earth book, never published on Earth, and until the terrible catastrophe occurred, never seen or heard of by any Earthman.

Nevertheless, a wholly remarkable book. in fact it was probably the most remarkable book ever to come out of the great publishing houses of

Nevertheless, a wholly remarkable book. in fact it was probably the most remarkable book ever to come out of the great publishing houses of

Nevertheless, a wholly remarkable book. in fact it was probably the most remarkable book ever to come out of the great publishing houses of

He worked in local radio which he always used to tell his friends was a lot more interesting than they probably thought.

Not only is it a wholly remarkable book, it is also a highly successful one - more popular than the

Celestial Home Care Omnibus, better selling than Fifty More Things to do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters

Celestial Home Care Omnibus, better selling than Fifty More Things to do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters

Celestial Home Care Omnibus, better selling than Fifty More Things to do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters

Celestial Home Care Omnibus, better selling than Fifty More Things to do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters

Celestial Home Care Omnibus, better selling than Fifty More Things to do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters

Celestial Home Care Omnibus, better selling than Fifty More Things to do in Zero Gravity, and more controversial than Oolon Colluphid's trilogy of philosophical blockbusters

He relaxed and spread his two arms lazily across the seat back.

In many of the more relaxed civilizations on the

Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galactic a as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omis sions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

Here's what the Encyclopedia Galactica has to say about alcohol.

Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galactic a as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omis sions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galactic a as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omis sions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galactic a as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omis sions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galactic a as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omis sions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galactic a as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omis sions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galactic a as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omis sions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galactic a as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omis sions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galactic a as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omis sions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

Guide has already supplanted the great Encyclopedia Galactic a as the standard repository of all knowledge and wisdom, for though it has many omis sions and contains much that is apocryphal, or at least wildly inaccurate, it scores over the older, more pedestrian work in two important respects.

First, it is slightly cheaper; and secondly it has the words Don't Pa nic inscribed in large friendly letters on its cover.

Eagle and had already become in corporated into an extraordinary new form of nest which the eagle had invented.

But the story of this terrible, stupid Thursday, the story of its extraordinary consequences, and the story of how these consequences are inextricably intertwined with this remarkable book begins very simply.

But the story of this terrible, stupid Thursday, the story of its extraordinary consequences, and the story of how these consequences are inextricably intertwined with this remarkable book begins very simply.

Then there was a slight whisper, a sudden spacious whisper of open ambient sound.

The house stood on a slight rise just on the edge of the v illage.

It stood on its own and looked over a broad spread of West Country farmland.

Not a remarkable house by any means - it was about thirty years old, squattish, squarish, made of bric k, and had four windows set in the fr ont of a size and proportion which more or less exactly failed to please the eye.

He was by no means a great warrior: in fact he wa s a nervous worried man.

They soared with ease, basking in electromagnetic rays from the star Sol, biding th eir time, grouping, preparing.

The thing that used to worry him most was the fact that people always used to ask him what he was looking so worried about.

He worked in local radio which he always used to tell his friends was a lot more interesting than they probably thought.

It was, too - most of his friends worked in advertising.

It hadn't properly registered with Arthur that th e council wanted to knock down his house and build an bypass instead.

"I'll sue the council for every penny it's got!

He woke up blearily, got up, wandered blearily round his room, ope ned a window, saw a bulldozer, found hi s slippers, and stomped off to the bathroom to wash.

The word bulldozer wandered through his mind for a moment in search of something to connect with.

He adjusted it.

Properly adju sted, it reflected Arthur Dent's bristles.

Properly adju sted, it reflected Arthur Dent's bristles.

He shaved them off, washed, dried, and stomped off to the kitchen to find something pleasant to put in his mouth.

The word bulldozer wandered through his mind for a moment in search of something to connect with.

The word bulldozer wandered through his mind for a moment in search of something to connect with.

Ford stared at Arthur, who began to think that perhaps he did want to go to the Horse and Groom after all.

He began to suspect that he was hung over.

He always felt vaguely irritable after demolishing populated planets.

Perhaps it was that his eyes didn't blink often enough and when you talked to him for any length of time your eyes began involuntarily to water on his behalf.

He'd been telling people about it, te lling people about it at great length, he rather suspected: his clearest visual recollecti on was of glazed looks on other people's faces.

He'd been telling people about it, te lling people about it at great length, he rather suspected: his clearest visual recollecti on was of glazed looks on other people's faces.

A thoroughly ridiculous form of trans port, but a thoroughly beautiful one.

God what a terrible hangover it had earn ed him though.

Fifteen seconds later he was out of the house and ly ing in front of a big ye llow bulldozer that was advancing up his garden path.

In ot her words he was a carbon-based life form descended from an ape.

More specifically he was forty, fat and sh abby and worked for the local council.

Curiously enough, though he didn't know it, he was also a direct male -line descendant of Genghis Khan, though intervening generations and racial mixing had so juggled his genes that he had no discer nible Mongoloid characteristics, and the only ves tiges left in Mr L Prosser of his mighty ancestry were a pronounced stoutness about the tum and a pr edilection for little fur hats.

Curiously enough, though he didn't know it, he was also a direct male -line descendant of Genghis Khan, though intervening generations and racial mixing had so juggled his genes that he had no discer nible Mongoloid characteristics, and the only ves tiges left in Mr L Prosser of his mighty ancestry were a pronounced stoutness about the tum and a pr edilection for little fur hats.

Curiously enough, though he didn't know it, he was also a direct male -line descendant of Genghis Khan, though intervening generations and racial mixing had so juggled his genes that he had no discer nible Mongoloid characteristics, and the only ves tiges left in Mr L Prosser of his mighty ancestry were a pronounced stoutness about the tum and a pr edilection for little fur hats.

Curiously enough, though he didn't know it, he was also a direct male -line descendant of Genghis Khan, though intervening generations and racial mixing had so juggled his genes that he had no discer nible Mongoloid characteristics, and the only ves tiges left in Mr L Prosser of his mighty ancestry were a pronounced stoutness about the tum and a pr edilection for little fur hats.

Curiously enough, though he didn't know it, he was also a direct male -line descendant of Genghis Khan, though intervening generations and racial mixing had so juggled his genes that he had no discer nible Mongoloid characteristics, and the only ves tiges left in Mr L Prosser of his mighty ancestry were a pronounced stoutness about the tum and a pr edilection for little fur hats.

Curiously enough, though he didn't know it, he was also a direct male -line descendant of Genghis Khan, though intervening generations and racial mixing had so juggled his genes that he had no discer nible Mongoloid characteristics, and the only ves tiges left in Mr L Prosser of his mighty ancestry were a pronounced stoutness about the tum and a pr edilection for little fur hats.

Curiously enough, though he didn't know it, he was also a direct male -line descendant of Genghis Khan, though intervening generations and racial mixing had so juggled his genes that he had no discer nible Mongoloid characteristics, and the only ves tiges left in Mr L Prosser of his mighty ancestry were a pronounced stoutness about the tum and a pr edilection for little fur hats.

He was by no means a great warrior: in fact he wa s a nervous worried man.

Ford Prefect was desperate that any flying saucer at all would arri ve soon because fifteen years was a long time to get stranded anywhere, particularly somewhere as mindboggingly dull as the Earth.

Vogon Civil Service politics, and play it well, and waterproof enough for him to survive indefinitely at sea depths of up to a thousand feet with no ill effects.

He tried to ma ke his eyes blaze fiercely but they just wouldn't do it.

It was Arthur's accepted role to lie squelching in the mud making occasional demands to see his lawyer, his mother or a good book; it was Mr Prosser's accepted role to tackle Arthur with the occasional new ploy such as the For the Public Good talk, the Marc h of Progress talk, the They Knocked

"On no account allow a Vogon to read poetry at you."

People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what 's so great about point A that so many people of point B are so keen to get there, and what's so great about point B that so many people of point A are so keen to get there.

On this particular Thursday, some thing was moving quietly through the ionosphere many miles above the surface of the planet ; several somethings in fa ct, several dozen huge yellow chunky slablike somethings, huge as office buildings, silent as birds.

Mr Prosser wanted to be at point D. Point D wasn't anywhere in particular, it wa s just any convenient point a very long way from points A, B and C. He would have a nice little cottage at point D, with axes over the door, and spend a pleasant amount of time at point

He flushed hotly under the derisive grins of the bulldozer drivers.

He flushed hotly under the derisive grins of the bulldozer drivers.

He shifted his weight from foot to foot, but it was equally uncomfortable on each.

He shifted his weight from foot to foot, but it was equally uncomfortable on each.

Obviously somebody had been appallingly incompetent and he hoped to God it wasn't him.

Obviously somebody had been appallingly incompetent and he hoped to God it wasn't him.

Mr Prosser said: "You were quite entitled to make a ny suggestions or protests at the appropriate time you know."

Mr Prosser said: "You were quite entitled to make a ny suggestions or protests at the appropriate time you know."

Mr Prosser said: "You were quite entitled to make a ny suggestions or protests at the appropriate time you know."

Mr Prosser said: "You were quite entitled to make a ny suggestions or protests at the appropriate time you know."

The first I knew about it was when a workman arrived at my home yesterday.

I asked him if he'd come to clean the wi ndows and he said no he'd come to demolish the house.

Many people went straight into shock as their minds tried to encompass what they were looking at.

"But Mr Dent, the plans have been available in the local planning o ffice for the last nine month."

"People of Earth, your attention pleas e," a voice said, and it was wonderful.

"You don't," said Ford patiently, "actually need him here."

"But the plans were on display ..."

I eventually had to go down to the cellar to find them."

"With a torch."

"But look, you found the notice didn't you?"

It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying Beware of the Leopard."

It was on display in the bottom of a locked filing cabinet stuck in a disused lavatory with a sign on the door saying Beware of the Leopard."

The rest of the pub frowned at him.

Bureaucratic cock-ups, angry men ly ing in the mud, indecipherable strangers handing out inexplicable humiliations and an unidentified army of horsemen laughing at him in his head - what a day.

Mr Prosser's mouth opened and closed a couple of times while his mind was for a moment filled with inexplicable but terribly attractive visi ons of Arthur Dent's house being consumed with fire and Arthur himself running screaming from the blazi ng ruin with at least three hefty spears protruding from his back.

As soon as a predetermined quantity had been consumed, the final loser would have to perform a forfeit, which was us ually obscenely biological.

Mr Prosser's mouth opened and closed a couple of times while his mind was for a moment filled with inexplicable but terribly attractive visi ons of Arthur Dent's house being consumed with fire and Arthur himself running screaming from the blazi ng ruin with at least three hefty spears protruding from his back.

Mr Prosser's mouth opened and closed a couple of times while his mind was for a moment filled with inexplicable but terribly attractive visi ons of Arthur Dent's house being consumed with fire and Arthur himself running screaming from the blazi ng ruin with at least three hefty spears protruding from his back.

Mr Prosser's mouth opened and closed a couple of times while his mind was for a moment filled with inexplicable but terribly attractive visi ons of Arthur Dent's house being consumed with fire and Arthur himself running screaming from the blazi ng ruin with at least three hefty spears protruding from his back.

Mr Prosser was often bothered with vi sions like these and they made him fe el very nervous.

He stuttered for a moment and then pulled himself together.

"Some factual information for you.

Have you any idea how much damage that bulldozer would suffer if

Have you any idea how much damage that bulldozer would suffer if

It says that the effect of a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.

By a curious coincidence, None at all is exactly how much suspicion the ape-descendant Arthur

Zaphod Beeblebrox wa s on his way from the tiny spaceport on Easter Island (the name was an entirely meaningless coincidence - in Galacticspeke, easter means small flat and light brown) to the Hear t of Gold island, which by a nother meaningless coincidence was called France.

By a curious coincidence, None at all is exactly how much suspicion the ape-descendant Arthur

Dent had that one of his closest frie nds was not descended from an ape, but was in fact from a small planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse and not from Guildford as he usually claimed.

Dent had that one of his closest frie nds was not descended from an ape, but was in fact from a small planet in the vicinity of Betelgeuse and not from Guildford as he usually claimed.

This friend of his had first arrived on the planet some fifteen Eart h years previously, and he had worked hard to blend himself into Earth societ y - with, it must be said, some success.

This friend of his had first arrived on the planet some fifteen Eart h years previously, and he had worked hard to blend himself into Earth societ y - with, it must be said, some success.

For instance he had spent those fifteen years pretending to be an out of work actor , which was plausible enough.

For instance he had spent those fifteen years pretending to be an out of work actor , which was plausible enough.

For instance he had spent those fifteen years pretending to be an out of work actor , which was plausible enough.

He had made one careless blunder t hough, because he had skimped a bit on his preparatory research.

He had made one careless blunder t hough, because he had skimped a bit on his preparatory research.

He had made one careless blunder t hough, because he had skimped a bit on his preparatory research.

He had made one careless blunder t hough, because he had skimped a bit on his preparatory research.

He had made one careless blunder t hough, because he had skimped a bit on his preparatory research.

The terror moved slowly through the gathered crowds as if they were iron fillings on a sh eet of board and a magnet was moving beneath them.

The information he had gathered had led hi m to choose the name "Ford Prefect" as being nicely inconspicuous.

He was not conspicuously tall , his features were striking but not cons picuously handsome.

He was not conspicuously tall , his features were striking but not cons picuously handsome.

There was something very slightly odd about him, but it was difficult to say what it was.

Perhaps it was that his eyes didn't blink often enough and when you talked to him for any length of time your eyes began involuntarily to water on his behalf.

Perhap s it was that he smiled slightly too broadly and gave people the unnerving impression that he was about to go for their neck.

He struck most of the friends he had made on Ea rth as an eccentric, but a harmless one -- an unruly boozer with some oddish habits.

Dentrassis are an unruly tribe of gourmands, a wild but pleasant bunch whom the Vogons had recently taken to employing as catering sta ff on their long haul fleets, on the stri ct understanding that they keep themselves very much to themselves.

He struck most of the friends he had made on Ea rth as an eccentric, but a harmless one -- an unruly boozer with some oddish habits.

If human beings don't keep exercising their lips, he thought, their mouths probably seize up.

Sometimes he would get seized with oddly distracted moods and stare into the sky as if hypnotized until someone asked him what he was doing

There was a mood of immense excitement thrilling through all of them.

Sometimes he would get seized with oddly distracted moods and stare into the sky as if hypnotized until someone asked him what he was doing

Then he would start guiltily for a moment, relax and grin.

Ford looked across to Mr Prosser, and s uddenly a wicked thought struck him.

"Green ones!" he would reply with a wicked grin, laugh wildly for a moment and then suddenly lunge for the nearest bar and buy an enormous round of drinks.

Ford slapped a five-pound note on the bar.

"Green ones!" he would reply with a wicked grin, laugh wildly for a moment and then suddenly lunge for the nearest bar and buy an enormous round of drinks.

Ford would get out of his skull on whisky, huddle into a corner with some girl and explain to her in slurred phrases that honestly the col our of the flying saucers didn't matter that much really.

Ford would get out of his skull on whisky, huddle into a corner with some girl and explain to her in slurred phrases that honestly the col our of the flying saucers didn't matter that much really.

This always ha ppened when he felt miserable and put upon, and he had never been able to explain it to himself.

Ford would get out of his skull on whisky, huddle into a corner with some girl and explain to her in slurred phrases that honestly the col our of the flying saucers didn't matter that much really.

Ford would get out of his skull on whisky, huddle into a corner with some girl and explain to her in slurred phrases that honestly the col our of the flying saucers didn't matter that much really.

Thereafter, staggering semi-paralytic down the night streets he would of ten ask passing policemen if they knew the way to Betelgeuse.

Ford invariably replied on these occasions.

All except the Hooloovoo were resplendent in their multi-colored ceremonial lab coats; the Hooloovoo had been tempor arily refracted into a free standing prism for the occasion.

The reason he said green wa s that green was the traditional space livery of the

Betelgeuse trading scouts.

Ford Prefect was desperate that any flying saucer at all would arri ve soon because fifteen years was a long time to get stranded anywhere, particularly somewhere as mindboggingly dull as the Earth.

Ford Prefect was desperate that any flying saucer at all would arri ve soon because fifteen years was a long time to get stranded anywhere, particularly somewhere as mindboggingly dull as the Earth.

Whic h is exactly the sort of thing you need to know if you're an impoverished hitch hiker trying to see the marvels of the Universe for less th an thirty Altairan Dollars a day.

He knew how to see the Marvels of the Universe for less than thirty Altairan dollars a day.

In fact, Ford Prefect was a roving researcher for th at wholly remarkable book The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

In fact, Ford Prefect was a roving researcher for th at wholly remarkable book The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Human beings are great adaptors, and by lunchtime lif e in the environs of

Arthur's house had settled into a steady routine.

Arthur's house had settled into a steady routine.

Arthur's house had settled into a steady routine.

It was Arthur's accepted role to lie squelching in the mud making occasional demands to see his lawyer, his mother or a good book; it was Mr Prosser's accepted role to tackle Arthur with the occasional new ploy such as the For the Public Good talk, the Marc h of Progress talk, the They Knocked

It was Arthur's accepted role to lie squelching in the mud making occasional demands to see his lawyer, his mother or a good book; it was Mr Prosser's accepted role to tackle Arthur with the occasional new ploy such as the For the Public Good talk, the Marc h of Progress talk, the They Knocked

It was Arthur's accepted role to lie squelching in the mud making occasional demands to see his lawyer, his mother or a good book; it was Mr Prosser's accepted role to tackle Arthur with the occasional new ploy such as the For the Public Good talk, the Marc h of Progress talk, the They Knocked

It was Arthur's accepted role to lie squelching in the mud making occasional demands to see his lawyer, his mother or a good book; it was Mr Prosser's accepted role to tackle Arthur with the occasional new ploy such as the For the Public Good talk, the Marc h of Progress talk, the They Knocked

My House Down Once You Know, Never Looked Back talk and various other ca joleries and threats; and it was the bulldozer drivers' accepted role to si t around drinking coffee a nd experimenting with union regulations to see how they could turn the situation to their financial advantage.

My House Down Once You Know, Never Looked Back talk and various other ca joleries and threats; and it was the bulldozer drivers' accepted role to si t around drinking coffee a nd experimenting with union regulations to see how they could turn the situation to their financial advantage.

My House Down Once You Know, Never Looked Back talk and various other ca joleries and threats; and it was the bulldozer drivers' accepted role to si t around drinking coffee a nd experimenting with union regulations to see how they could turn the situation to their financial advantage.

My House Down Once You Know, Never Looked Back talk and various other ca joleries and threats; and it was the bulldozer drivers' accepted role to si t around drinking coffee a nd experimenting with union regulations to see how they could turn the situation to their financial advantage.

My House Down Once You Know, Never Looked Back talk and various other ca joleries and threats; and it was the bulldozer drivers' accepted role to si t around drinking coffee a nd experimenting with union regulations to see how they could turn the situation to their financial advantage.

My House Down Once You Know, Never Looked Back talk and various other ca joleries and threats; and it was the bulldozer drivers' accepted role to si t around drinking coffee a nd experimenting with union regulations to see how they could turn the situation to their financial advantage.

The Earth moved slowly in its diurnal course.

"Am I busy?" exclaimed Arthur.

They don't have sarcasm on Betelgeuse, and Ford

Prefect often failed to notice it unless he was concentrating.

For a few seconds Ford seemed to ignore him, and star ed fixedly into the sky like a rabbit trying to get run over by a car.

Then suddenly he squatted down beside Arthur.

Ford glanced at him, puzzled.

Arthur was astonished to find that his will was beginning to weaken.

He didn't realize that this was because of an ol d drinking game that Ford learned to pl ay in the hyperspace ports that served the madranite mining belts in the star system of Orion Beta.

Spirit (as immortalized in that ancient Orion mining song "Oh don't give me none more of that Old Janx Spirit/ No , don't you give me none more of that Old

Each of the two contestants would then concentrate thei r will on the bottle and attempt to tip it and pour spirit into the glass of his opponent - who would then have to drink it.

Each of the two contestants would then concentrate thei r will on the bottle and attempt to tip it and pour spirit into the glass of his opponent - who would then have to drink it.

Once you started to lose you would probably keep losing, beca use one of the effects of Janx spirit is to depress telepsychic power.

Once you started to lose you would probably keep losing, beca use one of the effects of Janx spirit is to depress telepsychic power.

As soon as a predetermined quantity had been consumed, the final loser would have to perform a forfeit, which was us ually obscenely biological.

As soon as a predetermined quantity had been consumed, the final loser would have to perform a forfeit, which was us ually obscenely biological.

As soon as a predetermined quantity had been consumed, the final loser would have to perform a forfeit, which was us ually obscenely biological.

As soon as a predetermined quantity had been consumed, the final loser would have to perform a forfeit, which was us ually obscenely biological.

As soon as a predetermined quantity had been consumed, the final loser would have to perform a forfeit, which was us ually obscenely biological.

"But what about my house . ..?" he asked plaintively.

"Excuse me!" he shouted.

He was trying to marshal his arguments for proving th at he did not now constitute a mental health hazard himself.

Dent constituted a mental health hazard, and how much they should get paid if he did) looked around.

Dent constituted a mental health hazard, and how much they should get paid if he did) looked around.

Dent constituted a mental health hazard, and how much they should get paid if he did) looked around.

He was surprised and slightly alarmed to find that Arthur had company.

He was surprised and slightly alarmed to find that Arthur had company.

He could only assume that he had just won.

"Well, if you're resigned to doing that anyway, you don't actually need him to lie here all the time do you?"

"That sounds perfectly reasonable," he said in a reassuring tone of voi ce, wondering who he was trying to reassure.

"That sounds perfectly reasonable," he said in a reassuring tone of voi ce, wondering who he was trying to reassure.

"That sounds perfectly reasonable," he said in a reassuring tone of voi ce, wondering who he was trying to reassure.

He wished there was something simple and recogni zable he could grasp hold of.

"It's very simple," said Ford, "my client, Mr Dent, says that he will stop lying here in the mud on the sole condition that you come and take over from him."

"It's very simple," said Ford, "my client, Mr Dent, says that he will stop lying here in the mud on the sole condition that you come and take over from him."

"It's very simple," said Ford, "my client, Mr Dent, says that he will stop lying here in the mud on the sole condition that you come and take over from him."

"What are you talking about?" said Arthur, but Fo rd nudged him with his shoe to be quiet.

As soon as Mr Prosser realized that he was substantially the loser after all, it was as if a weight lifted itself off his shoulders: this was more li ke the world as he knew it.

"Promise," said Ford.

Ford beckoned to Prosser who sadly, aw kwardly, sat down in the mud.

He felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it.

The mud folded itself round his bottom and hi s arms and oozed into his shoes.

"The mere thought," growled Mr Prosser, "hadn't even begun to speculate," he continued, settling himself back, "about the merest possibility of crossing my mind."

"The mere thought," growled Mr Prosser, "hadn't even begun to speculate," he continued, settling himself back, "about the merest possibility of crossing my mind."

"The mere thought," growled Mr Prosser, "hadn't even begun to speculate," he continued, settling himself back, "about the merest possibility of crossing my mind."

A pained expression crossed Ar thur's face.

He saw the bulldozer driver's union representative a pproaching and let his head sink back and closed his eyes.

He was trying to marshal his arguments for proving th at he did not now constitute a mental health hazard himself.

He was trying to marshal his arguments for proving th at he did not now constitute a mental health hazard himself.

He was trying to marshal his arguments for proving th at he did not now constitute a mental health hazard himself.

He was far from certain about this - his mind seemed to be full of noise, horses, smoke, and the stench of blood.

In a high di mension of which we know nothing the mighty Khan bellowed with rage, but Mr Prosser only trembled slightly and whimpered.

In a high di mension of which we know nothing the mighty Khan bellowed with rage, but Mr Prosser only trembled slightly and whimpered.

In a high di mension of which we know nothing the mighty Khan bellowed with rage, but Mr Prosser only trembled slightly and whimpered.

In a high di mension of which we know nothing the mighty Khan bellowed with rage, but Mr Prosser only trembled slightly and whimpered.

He began to fell little pricks of water behind the eyelids.

They are one of the most unpleasant races in the Galaxy -- not actually evil, but bad tempered, bureaucratic, officious and callous.

Bureaucratic cock-ups, angry men ly ing in the mud, indecipherable strangers handing out inexplicable humiliations and an unidentified army of horsemen laughing at him in his head - what a day.

Bureaucratic cock-ups, angry men ly ing in the mud, indecipherable strangers handing out inexplicable humiliations and an unidentified army of horsemen laughing at him in his head - what a day.

"But can we trust him?" he said.

It says that alcohol is a colourless volatile liquid formed by the fermentation of sugars a nd also notes its intoxicating effect on certain carbon- based life forms.

It says that alcohol is a colourless volatile liquid formed by the fermentation of sugars a nd also notes its intoxicating effect on certain carbon- based life forms.

It says that alcohol is a colourless volatile liquid formed by the fermentation of sugars a nd also notes its intoxicating effect on certain carbon- based life forms.

It says that alcohol is a colourless volatile liquid formed by the fermentation of sugars a nd also notes its intoxicating effect on certain carbon- based life forms.

The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy al so mentions alcohol.

It says th at the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

It says th at the best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.

In fact it seemed to exist not so much as an isla nd in its own right as simply a means of defining the sweep and curve of a huge bay.

The Guide also tells you on which planets the best Pa n Galactic Gargle Blasters are mixed, how much you can expect to pay for one and what voluntary organizations exist to he lp you rehabilitate afterwards.

Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of Santraginus V

Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzine is lost).

Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzine is lost).

Allow three cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the mixture (it must be properly iced or the benzine is lost).

Allow four litres of Fallia n marsh gas to bubble through it, in me mory of all those happy Hikers who have died of pleasure in the Marshes of Fallia.

A twenty-foot-high transparent globe floated next to his boat, rolling and bobbing, glistening in the brilliant sun.

Qualactin Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heady odours of the dark Qualactin

Qualactin Hypermint extract, redolent of all the heady odours of the dark Qualactin

Zones, subtle sweet and mystic.

Zones, subtle sweet and mystic.

Zones, subtle sweet and mystic.

Watch it dissolve, spreading the fires of the Algolian Suns deep into the heart of the drink.

"Six pints of bitter," said Ford Prefect to the ba rman of the Horse and Groom.

The barman of the Horse and Groom didn't deserve this sort of treatment, he was a dignified old man.

The barman of the Horse and Groom didn't deserve this sort of treatment, he was a dignified old man.

The barman of the Horse and Groom didn't deserve this sort of treatment, he was a dignified old man.

Nice weather for it," and started pulling pints.

"What's that, foregone conclusion then you reckon sir? " said the barman.

"What's that, foregone conclusion then you reckon sir? " said the barman.

"Arsenal without a chance?"

"Lucky escape for Arsenal if it did."

Ford looked back at him, genuinely surprised.

A man sitting next to Ford at the bar looked at the two men, looked at the six pints, did a swift burst of mental arithmetic, arrived at an answer he liked and grinned a stupid hopeful grin at them.

A man sitting next to Ford at the bar looked at the two men, looked at the six pints, did a swift burst of mental arithmetic, arrived at an answer he liked and grinned a stupid hopeful grin at them.

A man sitting next to Ford at the bar looked at the two men, looked at the six pints, did a swift burst of mental arithmetic, arrived at an answer he liked and grinned a stupid hopeful grin at them.

A man sitting next to Ford at the bar looked at the two men, looked at the six pints, did a swift burst of mental arithmetic, arrived at an answer he liked and grinned a stupid hopeful grin at them.

He said, "Time is an illusion.

"Very deep," said Arthur, "you should send that in to the R eader's Digest.

"Muscle relaxant, you'll need it."

"How would you react if I said th at I'm not from Guildford after all, but from a small planet somewhere in th e vicinity of Betelgeuse?"

"Why - do you think it's the sort of thing you're likely to say?"

"This must be Thursday," said Arthur musing to hims elf, sinking low over his be er, "I never could get the hang of Thursdays."

On this particular Thursday, some thing was moving quietly through the ionosphere many miles above the surface of the planet ; several somethings in fa ct, several dozen huge yellow chunky slablike somethings, huge as office buildings, silent as birds.

They soared with ease, basking in electromagnetic rays from the star Sol, biding th eir time, grouping, preparing.

They soared with ease, basking in electromagnetic rays from the star Sol, biding th eir time, grouping, preparing.

Everything was rea dy, everything was prepared.

The planet beneath them was almost perfectly oblivious of their presence, which was just how they wanted it for the moment.

The planet beneath them was almost perfectly oblivious of their presence, which was just how they wanted it for the moment.

Canaveral without a blip, Woomera and Jodrell Ba nk looked straight through th em - which was a pity because it was exactly the sort of th ing they'd been looking for all these years.

The only place they registered at all was on a small black device called a Sub-Etha Sens-O-Matic which winked away quietly to itself.

It nestled in the dar kness inside a leather satche l which Ford Prefect wore habitually round his neck.

The contents of Ford Prefect's satchel were quite interest ing in fact and would have made any Earth physicis t's eyes pop out of his head, which is w hy he always concealed them by keeping a couple of dog-eared scripts for plays he pretended he was auditioning for stuffed in the top.

As the Vogon craft screamed through the air high above him he opened his satchel.

The contents of Ford Prefect's satchel were quite interest ing in fact and would have made any Earth physicis t's eyes pop out of his head, which is w hy he always concealed them by keeping a couple of dog-eared scripts for plays he pretended he was auditioning for stuffed in the top.

The contents of Ford Prefect's satchel were quite interest ing in fact and would have made any Earth physicis t's eyes pop out of his head, which is w hy he always concealed them by keeping a couple of dog-eared scripts for plays he pretended he was auditioning for stuffed in the top.

The contents of Ford Prefect's satchel were quite interest ing in fact and would have made any Earth physicis t's eyes pop out of his head, which is w hy he always concealed them by keeping a couple of dog-eared scripts for plays he pretended he was auditioning for stuffed in the top.

Sub-Etha Sens-O-Matic and the sc ripts he had an Electronic Thum b - a short squat black rod, smooth and matt with a couple of flat switches and dials at one end; he also had a device which looked rather like a largish electronic calculator.

This had about a hundred tiny flat press buttons and a screen about four inches square on which any one of a million "pages" could be summoned at a moment 's notice.

"You press this button here you see and th e screen lights up giving you the index."

This had about a hundred tiny flat press buttons and a screen about four inches square on which any one of a million "pages" could be summoned at a moment 's notice.

It looked insanely complicated, and this was one of the reasons why the snug plastic cover it fitted into had the words

It looked insanely complicated, and this was one of the reasons why the snug plastic cover it fitted into had the words

It looked insanely complicated, and this was one of the reasons why the snug plastic cover it fitted into had the words

"I'm not panicking!"

The ot her reason was that this device was in fact that most remarkable of all books ever to come out of the grea t publishing corporations of Ursa Minor - The Hitch

The reason why it was published in the form of a micro sub meson electronic component is that if it were printed in normal book form, an interstellar hitch hi ker would require several inconveniently large buildings to carry it around in.

The reason why it was published in the form of a micro sub meson electronic component is that if it were printed in normal book form, an interstellar hitch hi ker would require several inconveniently large buildings to carry it around in.

"As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route through your st ar system, and regrettably your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition.

Partly it has great practical value - you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of

Partly it has great practical value - you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of

Partly it has great practical value - you can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of

Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the bri lliant marble-sanded beaches of Sant raginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars wh ich shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fu mes or to avoid the gaze of th e Ravenous Bugblatte r Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal , it assumes that if you can't see i

It consists of nothing but middling to large desert islands separated by very pretty but annoyingly wide stretches of ocean.

Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the bri lliant marble-sanded beaches of Sant raginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars wh ich shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fu mes or to avoid the gaze of th e Ravenous Bugblatte r Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal , it assumes that if you can't see i

Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the bri lliant marble-sanded beaches of Sant raginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars wh ich shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fu mes or to avoid the gaze of th e Ravenous Bugblatte r Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal , it assumes that if you can't see i

Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the bri lliant marble-sanded beaches of Sant raginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars wh ich shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fu mes or to avoid the gaze of th e Ravenous Bugblatte r Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal , it assumes that if you can't see i

Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the bri lliant marble-sanded beaches of Sant raginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars wh ich shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fu mes or to avoid the gaze of th e Ravenous Bugblatte r Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal , it assumes that if you can't see i

Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the bri lliant marble-sanded beaches of Sant raginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars wh ich shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fu mes or to avoid the gaze of th e Ravenous Bugblatte r Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal , it assumes that if you can't see i

Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the bri lliant marble-sanded beaches of Sant raginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapours; you can sleep under it beneath the stars wh ich shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a mini raft down the slow heavy river Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fu mes or to avoid the gaze of th e Ravenous Bugblatte r Beast of Traal (a mindboggingly stupid animal , it assumes that if you can't see i

In moments of great stress, every life form that exists gives out a tiny sublimal signal.

This signal simply communicates an exact and almost pathetic sense of how far that being is fro m the place of his birth.

More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value.

More importantly, a towel has immense psychological value.

Thus the planet Vogsphere whiled away the unhappy millennia until the Vogons suddenly discovered the principles of inters tellar travel.

For some r eason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitch hiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc.

For some r eason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitch hiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc.

For some r eason, if a strag (strag: non-hitch hiker) discovers that a hitch hiker has his towel with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a toothbrush, face flannel, soap, tin of biscuits, flask, compass, map, ball of string, gnat spray, wet weather gear, space suit etc., etc.

Furthermore, th e strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker mi ght accidentally have "lost".

Furthermore, th e strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker mi ght accidentally have "lost".

Furthermore, th e strag will then happily lend the hitch hiker any of these or a dozen other items that the hitch hiker mi ght accidentally have "lost".

What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his to wel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with.

Arthur struggled to his feet and hugged himself apprehensively.

What the strag will think is that any man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his to wel is is clearly a man to be reckoned with.

"Ah," said Arthur, "this is obviously some strange usage of the word safe that I wasn't previously aware of."

He banked sharply, shooting a wild wall of water at the sun.

Bank, someone decided it was time for a nice relaxing cup of tea.

"Here, have some," urged Ford, shaking the packet again, "if you've never been through a matter transference beam before you've proba bly lost some salt and protein.

At that moment the dull sound of a rumbling crash fr om outside filtered through the low murmur of the pub, through the sound of the jukebox, through the sound of the man next to Ford hiccupping over the whisky

At that moment the dull sound of a rumbling crash fr om outside filtered through the low murmur of the pub, through the sound of the jukebox, through the sound of the man next to Ford hiccupping over the whisky

At that moment the dull sound of a rumbling crash fr om outside filtered through the low murmur of the pub, through the sound of the jukebox, through the sound of the man next to Ford hiccupping over the whisky

Monstrous shadows leaped and loomed again.

"What's that?" he yelped.

"It hardly makes any difference at this stage," said Ford, "let them have their fun."

"Damn their fun!" he hooted and ran out of the pub furiously waving a nearly empty beer glass.

He was experiencing the aural equivalent of looking at a picture of two black silhouetted faces and suddenly seeing it as a picture of a white candlestick.

The barman couldn't believe the convers ation he was having, but he couldn't believe the sensation he had just had either.

This signal simply communicates an exact and almost pathetic sense of how far that being is fro m the place of his birth.

This signal simply communicates an exact and almost pathetic sense of how far that being is fro m the place of his birth.

This signal simply communicates an exact and almost pathetic sense of how far that being is fro m the place of his birth.

On Earth it is never possible to be further than sixteen thousand miles from your birthplace, which really isn't very far, so such signals are too minute to be noticed.

The barman reeled for a moment, hit by a shocking, incomprehensible sense of distance.

He didn't know what it meant, but he looked at Ford Pref ect with a new sense of respect, almost awe.

"Are you serious, sir?" he said in a small whisper which ha d the effect of silencing the pub.

Then there was a slight whisper, a sudden spacious whisper of open ambient sound.

There was a terrible ghastly silence.

Ford had recovered himself.

"Yes," he said gaily, "in less than two minutes I would estimate."

"That's what they told us in the army," said the ma n, and his eyes began the long trek back down to his whisky.

The pub was silent for a moment longer, and then, embarrassingly enough, the man with the raucous laugh did it again.

This suited the Dentrassis fine, be cause they loved Vogon money, which is one of the hardest currencies in space, but loathed the Vogons them selves.

The girl he had dr agged along to the pub with him had grow n to loathe him dearly over the last hour or so, and it would probably have been a great satisfaction to her to know that in a minute and a half or so he would suddenly evaporate into a whiff of hydrogen, ozone a nd carbon monoxide.

It was because of this tiny piece of information that Ford Prefect wa s not now a whiff of hydrogen, ozone and carbon monoxide.

It was because of this tiny piece of information that Ford Prefect wa s not now a whiff of hydrogen, ozone and carbon monoxide.

The huge yellow machines began to si nk downward and to move faster.

He didn't notice how cold it had suddenly become, he didn't notice the wind, he didn't notice the sudden irrational squall of rain.

He didn't notice how cold it had suddenly become, he didn't notice the wind, he didn't notice the sudden irrational squall of rain.

He didn't notice anything but the caterpillar bulldozers crawli ng over the rubble that had been his home.

"You barbarians!" he yelled.

"I'll sue the council for every penny it's got!

I'll have you hung, drawn and quartered!

Water boiled up beneath the bubble, it seethed and spouted.

I've finished I will take all the little bits, and I will jump on them!"

Arthur tripped, and fell headlong, ro lled and landed flat on his back.

"What the hell's that?" he shrieked.

He looked about the cabi n but could see very little; strange monstrous shadows loomed and leaped with the tiny flickering flame, but al l was quiet.

Whatever it was raced across the sky in monstrous yellowness, tore the sky apart with mind-buggering noise and leapt off into the distance leaving the gaping ai r to shut behind it with a bang that drove your ears six feet into your skull.

All around the world city streets exploded with people, cars slewed into each other as the noise fell on them and then rolled off like a tidal wave over hills and valleys, deserts and oceans, seemi ng to flatten everything it hit.

All around the world city streets exploded with people, cars slewed into each other as the noise fell on them and then rolled off like a tidal wave over hills and valleys, deserts and oceans, seemi ng to flatten everything it hit.

All around the world city streets exploded with people, cars slewed into each other as the noise fell on them and then rolled off like a tidal wave over hills and valleys, deserts and oceans, seemi ng to flatten everything it hit.

He knew exactly what was happening and had known ever since hi s Sub-Etha Sens-O-Matic had started winking in the dead of night besi de his pillar and woken him with a star t.

It was what he had waited for all these years, but when he had deciphered the signal pattern sitting alone in his small dark room a coldness had gripped him and squeezed his heart.

It was what he had waited for all these years, but when he had deciphered the signal pattern sitting alone in his small dark room a coldness had gripped him and squeezed his heart.

It was what he had waited for all these years, but when he had deciphered the signal pattern sitting alone in his small dark room a coldness had gripped him and squeezed his heart.

It was what he had waited for all these years, but when he had deciphered the signal pattern sitting alone in his small dark room a coldness had gripped him and squeezed his heart.

As the Vogon craft screamed through the air high above him he opened his satchel.

That is so amazingly amazing I think I'd like to steal it."

Motionless they hung, huge, heavy, steady in the sky, a blasphemy against nature.

Many people went straight into shock as their minds tried to encompass what they were looking at.

Then there was a slight whisper, a sudden spacious whisper of open ambient sound.

Then there was a slight whisper, a sudden spacious whisper of open ambient sound.

Every hi fi set in the world, every radio, every television, every cassette recorder, every woofer, every tweeter, every mid- range driver in the world quietly turned itself on.

Every tin can, every dust bin, every window, every car, every wine glass, every sheet of rusty metal became activated as an acoustically perfect sounding board.

Every tin can, every dust bin, every window, every car, every wine glass, every sheet of rusty metal became activated as an acoustically perfect sounding board.

Every tin can, every dust bin, every window, every car, every wine glass, every sheet of rusty metal became activated as an acoustically perfect sounding board.

Before the Earth passed away it was going to be treated to the very ultimate in sound reproduction, the greatest public address system ever built.

Before the Earth passed away it was going to be treated to the very ultimate in sound reproduction, the greatest public address system ever built.

Before the Earth passed away it was going to be treated to the very ultimate in sound reproduction, the greatest public address system ever built.

But there was no concert, no music, no fanfare, just a simple message.

But there was no concert, no music, no fanfare, just a simple message.

But there was no concert, no music, no fanfare, just a simple message.

By this time somebody somewhere must have ma nned a radio transmitter, located a wavelength and broadcasted a message back to the Vogon ships, to plea d on behalf of the planet.

Wonderful perfect quadrophonic sound with dist ortion levels so low as to make a brave man weep.

Wonderful perfect quadrophonic sound with dist ortion levels so low as to make a brave man weep.

Wonderful perfect quadrophonic sound with dist ortion levels so low as to make a brave man weep.

"As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route through your st ar system, and regrettably your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition.

"As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route through your st ar system, and regrettably your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition.

"As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route through your st ar system, and regrettably your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition.

"As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route through your st ar system, and regrettably your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition.

"As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route through your st ar system, and regrettably your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition.

"As you will no doubt be aware, the plans for development of the outlying regions of the Galaxy require the building of a hyperspatial express route through your st ar system, and regrettably your planet is one of those scheduled for demolition.

Th e process will take slightly less th at two of your Earth minutes.

He gasped in terror at what sounded like a man trying to gargle whilst fighting off a pack of wolves.

The crowd laughed appreciatively, the newsmen gleefully punched butt ons on their Sub-Etha News-Matic s and the President grinned.

Panic sprouted again, desperate fleeing panic, but there was nowhere to flee to.

Panic sprouted again, desperate fleeing panic, but there was nowhere to flee to.

Observing this, the Vogons turned on their PA again.

All the planning charts an d demolition orders have been on display in your local planning de partment on Alpha Centauri for fi fty of your Earth years, so you've had plenty of time to lodge any formal complaint an d it's far too late to star t making a fuss about it now."

All the planning charts an d demolition orders have been on display in your local planning de partment on Alpha Centauri for fi fty of your Earth years, so you've had plenty of time to lodge any formal complaint an d it's far too late to star t making a fuss about it now."

All the planning charts an d demolition orders have been on display in your local planning de partment on Alpha Centauri for fi fty of your Earth years, so you've had plenty of time to lodge any formal complaint an d it's far too late to star t making a fuss about it now."

All the planning charts an d demolition orders have been on display in your local planning de partment on Alpha Centauri for fi fty of your Earth years, so you've had plenty of time to lodge any formal complaint an d it's far too late to star t making a fuss about it now."

All the planning charts an d demolition orders have been on display in your local planning de partment on Alpha Centauri for fi fty of your Earth years, so you've had plenty of time to lodge any formal complaint an d it's far too late to star t making a fuss about it now."

The PA fell silent again and its echo drifted off across the land.

By this time somebody somewhere must have ma nned a radio transmitter, located a wavelength and broadcasted a message back to the Vogon ships, to plea d on behalf of the planet.

By this time somebody somewhere must have ma nned a radio transmitter, located a wavelength and broadcasted a message back to the Vogon ships, to plea d on behalf of the planet.

The only sort of Vogon a De ntrassi liked to see was an annoyed Vogon.

I'm sorry, but if you can't be bother ed to take an interest in local affairs that's your own lookout.

"Energize the demolition beams."

There was a terrible ghastly silence.

The Vogon Constructor fleet coasted away into the inky starry void.

The Vogon Constructor fleet coasted away into the inky starry void.

Far away on the opposite spiral arm of the Galaxy, five hundred thousand light ye ars from the star

Sol, Zaphod Beeblebrox, President of the Imperial Gal actic Government, sped across the seas of

Sol, Zaphod Beeblebrox, President of the Imperial Gal actic Government, sped across the seas of

Damogran, his ion drive delta boat winki ng and flashing in the Damogran sun.

One of the officials of the party had irritably decided that the President was clearly not in a mood to read the deliciously turned speech that had been written for him, and had f lipped the switch on the remote contro l device in his pocket.

It would be some time before it reached its destination because

Damogran is such an inconveniently arranged planet.

It consists of nothing but middling to large desert islands separated by very pretty but annoyingly wide stretches of ocean.

It consists of nothing but middling to large desert islands separated by very pretty but annoyingly wide stretches of ocean.

It consists of nothing but middling to large desert islands separated by very pretty but annoyingly wide stretches of ocean.

Because of this topological awkwardness Damogran ha s always remained a deserted planet.

But it was not in any way a coincidence that today, the day of culminat ion of the project, the great day of unveiling, the day that the Heart of Gold was fina lly to be introduced to a marvelling Galaxy, was also a great day of culmination for Zaphod Beeblebrox.

The boat zipped and skipped across the sea, the sea that lay between the main islands of the only archipelago of any useful size on th e whole planet.

But it was not in any way a coincidence that today, the day of culminat ion of the project, the great day of unveiling, the day that the Heart of Gold was fina lly to be introduced to a marvelling Galaxy, was also a great day of culmination for Zaphod Beeblebrox.

But it was not in any way a coincidence that today, the day of culminat ion of the project, the great day of unveiling, the day that the Heart of Gold was fina lly to be introduced to a marvelling Galaxy, was also a great day of culmination for Zaphod Beeblebrox.

It wa s for the sake of this day that he had first decided to run for the Presidency, a decision which had sent waves of as tonishment throughout the

It wa s for the sake of this day that he had first decided to run for the Presidency, a decision which had sent waves of as tonishment throughout the

Many had seen it as a clinching proof that the whole of known creation had finally gone bananas.

Zaphod Beeblebrox, adventurer, ex-hippy, good timer, (crook? quite possibly), manic self-publicist, terribly bad at personal relati onships, often thought to be completely out to lunch.

Zaphod Beeblebrox, adventurer, ex-hippy, good timer, (crook? quite possibly), manic self-publicist, terribly bad at personal relati onships, often thought to be completely out to lunch.

His fair tousled hair stuck out in random directions, his blue eyes glin ted with something completely unidentifiable, and his chins were almost always unshaven.

Only six people in the entire Galaxy understood the pr inciple on which the Galaxy was governed, and they knew that once Zaphod Beeblebrox had announced his inte ntion to run as President it was more or less a fait accompli: he was the ideal Presidency fodder*.

Only six people in the entire Galaxy understood the pr inciple on which the Galaxy was governed, and they knew that once Zaphod Beeblebrox had announced his inte ntion to run as President it was more or less a fait accompli: he was the ideal Presidency fodder*.

Only six people in the entire Galaxy understood the pr inciple on which the Galaxy was governed, and they knew that once Zaphod Beeblebrox had announced his inte ntion to run as President it was more or less a fait accompli: he was the ideal Presidency fodder*.

Only six people in the entire Galaxy understood the pr inciple on which the Galaxy was governed, and they knew that once Zaphod Beeblebrox had announced his inte ntion to run as President it was more or less a fait accompli: he was the ideal Presidency fodder*.

Only six people in the entire Galaxy understood the pr inciple on which the Galaxy was governed, and they knew that once Zaphod Beeblebrox had announced his inte ntion to run as President it was more or less a fait accompli: he was the ideal Presidency fodder*.

Only six people in the entire Galaxy understood the pr inciple on which the Galaxy was governed, and they knew that once Zaphod Beeblebrox had announced his inte ntion to run as President it was more or less a fait accompli: he was the ideal Presidency fodder*.

He steered with an extra arm he'd recen tly fitted just beneath his right one to help improve his ski-boxing.

He steered with an extra arm he'd recen tly fitted just beneath his right one to help improve his ski-boxing.

But his nerv es sang a song shriller than a dog whistle.

But his nerv es sang a song shriller than a dog whistle.

This impressi on was heightened by the fact that the inner coastline of the crescent consisted almost entirely of steep cliffs

Beneath it lay uncovered a huge starship, one hundred and fifty metres long, shaped like a sleek running shoe, perfectly white and mindboggingly be autiful.

In fact it seemed to exist not so much as an isla nd in its own right as simply a means of defining the sweep and curve of a huge bay.

This impressi on was heightened by the fact that the inner coastline of the crescent consisted almost entirely of steep cliffs

At the top of the cliff the globe wavered for a moment, tipped on to a railed ramp, rolled down it to a small concave platform and riddled to a halt.

From the top of the cli ff the land sloped slowly down five miles to the opposite shore.

On top of the cliffs stood a reception committee.

On top of the cliffs stood a reception committee.

It consisted in large part of the engineers and re searchers who had built the Heart of Gold - mostly humanoid, but here and there were a few reptiloid atomineers, two or three green slyph-like maximegalacticans, an octopoid physucturalist or two and a Hooloovoo (a Hooloovoo is a super- intelligent shade of the color blue).

It consisted in large part of the engineers and re searchers who had built the Heart of Gold - mostly humanoid, but here and there were a few reptiloid atomineers, two or three green slyph-like maximegalacticans, an octopoid physucturalist or two and a Hooloovoo (a Hooloovoo is a super- intelligent shade of the color blue).

All except the Hooloovoo were resplendent in their multi-colored ceremonial lab coats; the Hooloovoo had been tempor arily refracted into a free standing prism for the occasion.

There was a mood of immense excitement thrilling through all of them.

Together and between them they had gone to and beyond the furthest limits of physical laws, restructured the fundamental fabric of matter, strained, twisted and broken the laws of possibility and impossibility, but still the greatest excitement of all seemed to be to meet a man with an orange sash round his neck.

Together and between them they had gone to and beyond the furthest limits of physical laws, restructured the fundamental fabric of matter, strained, twisted and broken the laws of possibility and impossibility, but still the greatest excitement of all seemed to be to meet a man with an orange sash round his neck.

Together and between them they had gone to and beyond the furthest limits of physical laws, restructured the fundamental fabric of matter, strained, twisted and broken the laws of possibility and impossibility, but still the greatest excitement of all seemed to be to meet a man with an orange sash round his neck.

Together and between them they had gone to and beyond the furthest limits of physical laws, restructured the fundamental fabric of matter, strained, twisted and broken the laws of possibility and impossibility, but still the greatest excitement of all seemed to be to meet a man with an orange sash round his neck.

Together and between them they had gone to and beyond the furthest limits of physical laws, restructured the fundamental fabric of matter, strained, twisted and broken the laws of possibility and impossibility, but still the greatest excitement of all seemed to be to meet a man with an orange sash round his neck.

Together and between them they had gone to and beyond the furthest limits of physical laws, restructured the fundamental fabric of matter, strained, twisted and broken the laws of possibility and impossibility, but still the greatest excitement of all seemed to be to meet a man with an orange sash round his neck.

Only six people in the Galaxy knew that the job of the Galactic Presid ent was not to wield power but to attract attention away from it.

Only six people in the Galaxy knew that the job of the Galactic Presid ent was not to wield power but to attract attention away from it.