Torn Apart and Devoured by Lions

After all, as you know, I am to be torn apart and devoured by lions , plural, not ‘a lion.’

Simon Pfennig was fully aware of how strange he must sound.

There came a startled pause on the other end of the line.

He imagined her there, sitting in her parlor (did people even have “parlors” anymore?) listening to the salesman on the other end of the line droning on and on about

Mrs. Murphy disconnected the line, and then a low, steady drone.

We should probably go back to talking about life insurance now.”

“I want to start by telling you that I’ve been really quite pleased with your new-found gumption and enthusiasm for selling insurance policies over the telephone.

Company X’s jolly new life insurance policy for citizens over 50, about the security it would bring to your family were you to suddenly keel over stone dead and how content you’d be, as the final darkness was falling, that you’d at least managed to avoid becoming a big fat financial burden and suddenly, bam , out of the blue, he drops a line like that.

Company X’s jolly new life insurance policy for citizens over 50, about the security it would bring to your family were you to suddenly keel over stone dead and how content you’d be, as the final darkness was falling, that you’d at least managed to avoid becoming a big fat financial burden and suddenly, bam , out of the blue, he drops a line like that.

You give the people something, anything, to latch on to, something that gives them a sense of control—even a false one—and suddenly, well, they don’t need us anymore.”

Company X’s jolly new life insurance policy for citizens over 50, about the security it would bring to your family were you to suddenly keel over stone dead and how content you’d be, as the final darkness was falling, that you’d at least managed to avoid becoming a big fat financial burden and suddenly, bam , out of the blue, he drops a line like that.

Company X’s jolly new life insurance policy for citizens over 50, about the security it would bring to your family were you to suddenly keel over stone dead and how content you’d be, as the final darkness was falling, that you’d at least managed to avoid becoming a big fat financial burden and suddenly, bam , out of the blue, he drops a line like that.

Company X’s jolly new life insurance policy for citizens over 50, about the security it would bring to your family were you to suddenly keel over stone dead and how content you’d be, as the final darkness was falling, that you’d at least managed to avoid becoming a big fat financial burden and suddenly, bam , out of the blue, he drops a line like that.

Company X’s jolly new life insurance policy for citizens over 50, about the security it would bring to your family were you to suddenly keel over stone dead and how content you’d be, as the final darkness was falling, that you’d at least managed to avoid becoming a big fat financial burden and suddenly, bam , out of the blue, he drops a line like that.

Damn straight she should be startled.

“As you might expect,” Simon went on, “I’ve given this some thought, and I have eventually come to the conclusion that the word ‘lions’ doesn’t necessarily refer to the male of the species exclusively.

Eventually, the silence on the other end of the line was broken.

“...Excuse me?”

“Oh,” said Mrs. Murphy, apparently unsure of what to make of all this.

“Did you know that an adult male lion can consume up to seventy - five pounds of meat in a single meal?

“Did you know that an adult male lion can consume up to seventy - five pounds of meat in a single meal?

And that said meal will often have to last him an entire week?”

Who is?” replied Mrs. Murphy, gamely.

I’m not quite certain how much my bones weigh.

And it is uncommon for male lions to travel together, unless they’re roaming the savan - nah in unwed bachelor groups.”

Simon leaned back in his chair and studied the single fluorescent fixture mounted above his tiny cubicle, imagining it for a moment to be the red-hot sun of the Serengeti.

Simon leaned back in his chair and studied the single fluorescent fixture mounted above his tiny cubicle, imagining it for a moment to be the red-hot sun of the Serengeti.

The tips of his mous - tache lifted in a tiny grimace, as though someone had invisibly popped by with an eyedropper full of lemon juice and given him a bit.

Simon leaned back in his chair and studied the single fluorescent fixture mounted above his tiny cubicle, imagining it for a moment to be the red-hot sun of the Serengeti.

After all, thought Simon, Scott was likely bored and a bit depressed and was probably compensating for it by taking his frustrations out on the people around him.

“No,” he continued, “far more likely, I am to be torn apart and devoured by lionesses, a group of huntresses intent on bringing food back for their leonine patriarch.”

“No,” he continued, “far more likely, I am to be torn apart and devoured by lionesses, a group of huntresses intent on bringing food back for their leonine patriarch.”

“No,” he continued, “far more likely, I am to be torn apart and devoured by lionesses, a group of huntresses intent on bringing food back for their leonine patriarch.”

“As you might expect,” Simon went on, “I’ve given this some thought, and I have eventually come to the conclusion that the word ‘lions’ doesn’t necessarily refer to the male of the species exclusively.

“As you might expect,” Simon went on, “I’ve given this some thought, and I have eventually come to the conclusion that the word ‘lions’ doesn’t necessarily refer to the male of the species exclusively.

“As you might expect,” Simon went on, “I’ve given this some thought, and I have eventually come to the conclusion that the word ‘lions’ doesn’t necessarily refer to the male of the species exclusively.

Good news for me, you understand, because I must confess to harboring this romantic notion of how it will all play out.”

Good news for me, you understand, because I must confess to harboring this romantic notion of how it will all play out.”

Good news for me, you understand, because I must confess to harboring this romantic notion of how it will all play out.”

Good news for me, you understand, because I must confess to harboring this romantic notion of how it will all play out.”

“Just got your prediction today, did you?”

“Actually,” said Simon, “it’s been seven weeks now.”

After all, thought Simon, Scott was likely bored and a bit depressed and was probably compensating for it by taking his frustrations out on the people around him.

It was a good salesman voice, keen and enthusiastic, and it bore shockingly little resemblance to the one he’d been using his entire workaday life up until that day about two months ago, the day Simon now liked to call “Torn Apart And Devoured By Lions Day.”

It was a good salesman voice, keen and enthusiastic, and it bore shockingly little resemblance to the one he’d been using his entire workaday life up until that day about two months ago, the day Simon now liked to call “Torn Apart And Devoured By Lions Day.”

It was a good salesman voice, keen and enthusiastic, and it bore shockingly little resemblance to the one he’d been using his entire workaday life up until that day about two months ago, the day Simon now liked to call “Torn Apart And Devoured By Lions Day.”

It was a good salesman voice, keen and enthusiastic, and it bore shockingly little resemblance to the one he’d been using his entire workaday life up until that day about two months ago, the day Simon now liked to call “Torn Apart And Devoured By Lions Day.”

“Missus Murphy,” the new, exciting Simon began, “did you know that in the event of your sudden, accidental death, your family might incur miscella - neous costs of upwards of—”

“Missus Murphy,” the new, exciting Simon began, “did you know that in the event of your sudden, accidental death, your family might incur miscella - neous costs of upwards of—”

I’m to kick off from colon cancer, lad, not a stroke or a heart attack or anything quick like that.

Plenty of time to get my affairs in order.”

Plenty of time to get my affairs in order.”

But if Simon Pfennig had a response to this, Mr. Armbruster did not hear it.

Simon knew the company rote.

“Many of our potential customers come to us with this same story,

“I will try to restrain myself from talking about my lions to the customers from here on in.

“Truth to tell, though you may believe that you know the circumstances surrounding your eventual demise based on your prediction alone, the fact of the matter is that the specifics can often be surprising.

“Truth to tell, though you may believe that you know the circumstances surrounding your eventual demise based on your prediction alone, the fact of the matter is that the specifics can often be surprising.

“Truth to tell, though you may believe that you know the circumstances surrounding your eventual demise based on your prediction alone, the fact of the matter is that the specifics can often be surprising.

“Truth to tell, though you may believe that you know the circumstances surrounding your eventual demise based on your prediction alone, the fact of the matter is that the specifics can often be surprising.

“Truth to tell, though you may believe that you know the circumstances surrounding your eventual demise based on your prediction alone, the fact of the matter is that the specifics can often be surprising.

“Truth to tell, though you may believe that you know the circumstances surrounding your eventual demise based on your prediction alone, the fact of the matter is that the specifics can often be surprising.

“Truth to tell, though you may believe that you know the circumstances surrounding your eventual demise based on your prediction alone, the fact of the matter is that the specifics can often be surprising.

Mrs. Murphy chuckled.

“Have you ever heard of anyone crossing the street one day and getting hit by a runaway colon cancer?”

Simon had to admit that he had not.

“All shrouded in white and surrounded by my family.

“All shrouded in white and surrounded by my family.

“Lad,” said Mrs. Murphy, “I have my fantasy, just as you have yours.

And I am unwilling to cheapen it by banking on the possibility that the chips might not fall that way.”

And I am unwilling to cheapen it by banking on the possibility that the chips might not fall that way.”

And I am unwilling to cheapen it by banking on the possibility that the chips might not fall that way.”

Simon had gone, listening to the whirr of the air-handler and the steady ticking of the clock.

Simon pulled his chair closer to his desk, fully intending to ignore his wall-mate, as per usual.

Simon pulled his chair closer to his desk, fully intending to ignore his wall-mate, as per usual.

“You can’t let this Death Machine crap run your life, man,” con - tinued Scott, heedless, as Simon waited for his line to pick up.

“You can’t let this Death Machine crap run your life, man,” con - tinued Scott, heedless, as Simon waited for his line to pick up.

Ever since you did that stupid prediction thing, you’ve gone, like, totally mental on us.

“Wow,” said Scott, with feigned amazement.

He snickered and spun his chair around a couple of times.

Simon pulled himself back to his desk, replacing his headphones just in time to hear the answering machine disconnect.

“To each,” he said, with measured patience, “his own.”

“To each,” he said, with measured patience, “his own.”

“If you were any less of a salesman, I’d be handing you your pink slip now and personally ushering your behind out of this building while I instructed Stacy to prepare an invoice charging you for the milk ball.

Simon just shook his head as the auto-dialer worked its magic again, preparing to serve him up another golden opportunity.

After all, thought Simon, Scott was likely bored and a bit depressed and was probably compensating for it by taking his frustrations out on the people around him.

After all, thought Simon, Scott was likely bored and a bit depressed and was probably compensating for it by taking his frustrations out on the people around him.

After all, thought Simon, Scott was likely bored and a bit depressed and was probably compensating for it by taking his frustrations out on the people around him.

After all, thought Simon, Scott was likely bored and a bit depressed and was probably compensating for it by taking his frustrations out on the people around him.

He just needed a life goal or two; it would fix him right up.

“Not as desirable as the muscle meats, mind you, which are frequently claimed by the dominant male of the pride, but certainly full of good, nutritious—”

And that had made all the difference, really.

The morning rolled on in a series of polite refusals, and soon it came time for lunch.

The morning rolled on in a series of polite refusals, and soon it came time for lunch.

The morning rolled on in a series of polite refusals, and soon it came time for lunch.

Simon marveled at how quickly the day was going.

It was to be a short lunch; Simon had been thinking of ways to improve the company’s sales script, and since the auto-dialer gave him only limited oppor - tunities to hash them out on work-time, he was thinking of devoting some of his break to the task.

It was to be a short lunch; Simon had been thinking of ways to improve the company’s sales script, and since the auto-dialer gave him only limited oppor - tunities to hash them out on work-time, he was thinking of devoting some of his break to the task.

He welcomed them to him like he might a lover, inviting them in to the limits of his light, inviting them to feed.

It was to be a short lunch; Simon had been thinking of ways to improve the company’s sales script, and since the auto-dialer gave him only limited oppor - tunities to hash them out on work-time, he was thinking of devoting some of his break to the task.

It was to be a short lunch; Simon had been thinking of ways to improve the company’s sales script, and since the auto-dialer gave him only limited oppor - tunities to hash them out on work-time, he was thinking of devoting some of his break to the task.

Simon and he had joined up with the company about the same time, and Brad had quickly latched on to him as a conversational partner.

Simon didn’t mind; Brad was, also, a fundament ally good g uy.

“Not today, Brad!” said Simon, twirling an empty little coated cardboard box in his hands, the erstwhile contents of which were now warming pleasantly in the microwave nearby.

“Not today, Brad!” said Simon, twirling an empty little coated cardboard box in his hands, the erstwhile contents of which were now warming pleasantly in the microwave nearby.

“Rosemary,” said Brad, frowning.

“It’s only polite, I figure.

“Well, I guess I pretty much gotta be a triple-stacker roast beef melt by now,” said Brad.

“Well, I guess I pretty much gotta be a triple-stacker roast beef melt by now,” said Brad.

No.” Simon smiled to himself, his eyes going distant.

I’m hap - pier, healthier, and more vital than I’ve ever been.”

And, if possible,” he added, “herb-f lavored.”

Brad narrowed his eyes.

From here on in, until it occurs.”

“You’re obsessed, guy.”

“Totally!” called out Scott from his corner table.

He sneered at them around and through a mouthful of sandwich.

“Little snot,” muttered Brad, picking the onion out of his hair.

“Little friendly advice.

Brad spread his arms wide, exposing his substantial midsection.

Brad spread his arms wide, exposing his substantial midsection.

“You take up our entire visual field.”

“Hmph,” said Brad, raising both his chins in a dignified fashion and turning his back to Scott’s table.

“Hmph,” said Brad, raising both his chins in a dignified fashion and turning his back to Scott’s table.

“Hmph,” said Brad, raising both his chins in a dignified fashion and turning his back to Scott’s table.

Here I am, going to die in a car crash or something.

“I want to think about this thing all the time, Brad,” said Simon, earnestly.

“But I read in this self- help book my mom gave me that you shouldn’t sacrifice your now just because you’re looking forward to being eaten by a bunch of lions at some point in the future.”

All we’ve got to offer the world is protection against the frightening, unpredictable future.

I’m hap - pier, healthier, and more vital than I’ve ever been.”

“Pfennig,” said Paul Armbruster (Vice President In Charge Of

It’s not just Targeted Media Solicitation.

It’s not just Targeted Media Solicitation.

It’s not just Targeted Media Solicitation.

Simon gathered his smile.

The tips of his mous - tache lifted in a tiny grimace, as though someone had invisibly popped by with an eyedropper full of lemon juice and given him a bit.

“‘Performance’ in the sense of ‘Ooh, ooh, look at the dancing bear; now look, he’s riding a little unicycle.’

Simon’s smile did not falter.

I’m doing relative to the quota’?”

I’m doing relative to the quota’?”

“‘Performance’ in the sense of ‘Ooh, ooh, look at the dancing bear; now look, he’s riding a little unicycle.’

Specifically,” he added, “your performance earlier this morning,

He then vanished from sight.

The subsequent quiet was broken only by the noise of Scott snig - gering quietly to himself in the corner.

“Pfennig,” said Mr. Armbruster, motioning to the chair opposite his desk with one hand and taking a moment to fine-tune his rather heroic combover with the other.

“Pfennig,” said Mr. Armbruster, motioning to the chair opposite his desk with one hand and taking a moment to fine-tune his rather heroic combover with the other.

“Pfennig,” said Mr. Armbruster, motioning to the chair opposite his desk with one hand and taking a moment to fine-tune his rather heroic combover with the other.

Then he leaned forward and nudged a small brass dish out from behind a fancy little wooden desk clock and over toward Simon.

Then he leaned forward and nudged a small brass dish out from behind a fancy little wooden desk clock and over toward Simon.

“I want to start by telling you that I’ve been really quite pleased with your new-found gumption and enthusiasm for selling insurance policies over the telephone.

“I want to start by telling you that I’ve been really quite pleased with your new-found gumption and enthusiasm for selling insurance policies over the telephone.

You show a level of dedication that is...well, let’s say, uncommon in these halls.

You show a level of dedication that is...well, let’s say, uncommon in these halls.

You remind me a bit of myself when I was your age.”

“That having been said,” said Armbruster, leaning forward even further, “I need you to stop describing to our potential customers, in gruesome detail, how you’re planning on going to Africa and getting eaten by a lion.”

“That having been said,” said Armbruster, leaning forward even further, “I need you to stop describing to our potential customers, in gruesome detail, how you’re planning on going to Africa and getting eaten by a lion.”

“My point,” said Armbruster, “remains a salient one.”

“I see,” said Simon, biting his lip.

“I mean, I realize that I’ve been a bit chatty on the fact to some of them, but—”

Armbruster reached beneath his desk and produced a portable cassette player.

He clicked at a button. “—organ meats!” came

“Not as desirable as the muscle meats, mind you, which are frequently claimed by the dominant male of the pride, but certainly full of good, nutritious—”

“Not as desirable as the muscle meats, mind you, which are frequently claimed by the dominant male of the pride, but certainly full of good, nutritious—”

“Not as desirable as the muscle meats, mind you, which are frequently claimed by the dominant male of the pride, but certainly full of good, nutritious—”

“Not as desirable as the muscle meats, mind you, which are frequently claimed by the dominant male of the pride, but certainly full of good, nutritious—”

“Not as desirable as the muscle meats, mind you, which are frequently claimed by the dominant male of the pride, but certainly full of good, nutritious—”

“I don’t know if I’m imparting the proper gravity to this situation,

“I don’t know if I’m imparting the proper gravity to this situation,

“I don’t know if I’m imparting the proper gravity to this situation,

“I don’t know if I’m imparting the proper gravity to this situation,

Simon,” Mr. Armbruster interrupted.

“So I will make it perfectly clear to you that I have no desire to see Consolidated Amalgamated

“So I will make it perfectly clear to you that I have no desire to see Consolidated Amalgamated

“So I will make it perfectly clear to you that I have no desire to see Consolidated Amalgamated

Mutual become known as ‘That Place With The Guy Who’s Always

To this end, I am warning you that I abso - lutely, positively will not tolerate any further behavior of this sort.

To this end, I am warning you that I abso - lutely, positively will not tolerate any further behavior of this sort.

“Let me try this again,” he said, picking up a pencil in an attempt to add emphasis to his words.

“Let me try this again,” he said, picking up a pencil in an attempt to add emphasis to his words.

Not in this economic cli - mate.

Trust me.”

“I’m looking for a little solemnity or something.”

Simon pondered for a moment.

“This isn’t the military, Simon,” said Mr. Armbruster.

“The thing is, sir, it’s really hard for me to get worked up at the prospect of losing my job, sir.”

He raised a hand against Armbruster’s objection.

“I will try to restrain myself from talking about my lions to the customers from here on in.

After all, I have to fund my African safari somehow

“These are more than just idle hopes and dreams now, Mister Armbruster,” he said.

“They’re part of my destiny.”

“Good,” said Armbruster, ushering him to the door.

“If you were any less of a salesman, I’d be handing you your pink slip now and personally ushering your behind out of this building while I instructed Stacy to prepare an invoice charging you for the milk ball.

“If you were any less of a salesman, I’d be handing you your pink slip now and personally ushering your behind out of this building while I instructed Stacy to prepare an invoice charging you for the milk ball.

But for every lion mutilation story I’ve got on tape, there’re two or more instances of you winning over a stubborn customer on attitude alone.

But for every lion mutilation story I’ve got on tape, there’re two or more instances of you winning over a stubborn customer on attitude alone.

And that’s the kind of attitude we need around here.

“‘Desperately,’ sir?” inquired Simon.

“According to the last Board of Directors meeting, Consolidated

“But comparing our first-quarter sales to how we were doing two years ago, well, it’s sobering.

“But comparing our first-quarter sales to how we were doing two years ago, well, it’s sobering.

“We’re in the uncertainty business, here.

All we’ve got to offer the world is protection against the frightening, unpredictable future.

All we’ve got to offer the world is protection against the frightening, unpredictable future.

You give the people something, anything, to latch on to, something that gives them a sense of control—even a false one—and suddenly, well, they don’t need us anymore.”

“I’m sure we’ll come through this all right,” Simon volunteered.

We weathered that damn ‘no-call list’ thing all right, and I suppose we’ll pull through this, too.”

Armbruster rounded the desk and patted Simon on the back; Simon stood, sens - ing his cue.

“But to do it,” said Armbruster, “we’re going to need all our salesmen giving us one hundred and ten, or perhaps fifteen, percent.

“Will do, sir!” said Simon, disappearing out the door.

Simon stood at the sink, washing the last few remnants of tonight’s dinner of lamb and parmesan orzo out of his good dishes.

He had long since donated the bad ones, and even the slightly dodgy ones, to the local thrift shop.

He had long since donated the bad ones, and even the slightly dodgy ones, to the local thrift shop.

He had long since donated the bad ones, and even the slightly dodgy ones, to the local thrift shop.

The window over his sink was open to the cool night air, and the crickets outside yammered excitedly among themselves, unable to contain their enthusiasm that evening had arrived again, right on schedule.

The window over his sink was open to the cool night air, and the crickets outside yammered excitedly among themselves, unable to contain their enthusiasm that evening had arrived again, right on schedule.

The window over his sink was open to the cool night air, and the crickets outside yammered excitedly among themselves, unable to contain their enthusiasm that evening had arrived again, right on schedule.

Easier, perhaps, to have tackled them right after dinner, but Simon had run out of time to wash them before his show had come on the television, and the show took clear precedence because it happened to be all about lions tonight.

Simon had, naturally, enjoyed every minute of it.

And Simon knew how ridiculous this all must seem, this arrange - ment of his entire life around the concept of being Torn Apart And

And Simon knew how ridiculous this all must seem, this arrange - ment of his entire life around the concept of being Torn Apart And

And Simon knew how ridiculous this all must seem, this arrange - ment of his entire life around the concept of being Torn Apart And

Particularly ridiculous, he felt, was the poster (lionesses, of course) he had tacked to the ceiling—preteen-girl style— right above his bed, so it’d be the last thing he saw at night every night of his life.

Particularly ridiculous, he felt, was the poster (lionesses, of course) he had tacked to the ceiling—preteen-girl style— right above his bed, so it’d be the last thing he saw at night every night of his life.

The lion-themed comforter, too, he knew, went a bit beyond the pale.

And, as always, Simon had to conclude that there really was no choice.

The dishes done and dripping in their wire rack, Simon moved on to an invigorating workout on the shiny new exercise bicycle he’d purchased at the mall, and from there on to a relaxing shower.

The dishes done and dripping in their wire rack, Simon moved on to an invigorating workout on the shiny new exercise bicycle he’d purchased at the mall, and from there on to a relaxing shower.

The dishes done and dripping in their wire rack, Simon moved on to an invigorating workout on the shiny new exercise bicycle he’d purchased at the mall, and from there on to a relaxing shower.

The dishes done and dripping in their wire rack, Simon moved on to an invigorating workout on the shiny new exercise bicycle he’d purchased at the mall, and from there on to a relaxing shower.

The dishes done and dripping in their wire rack, Simon moved on to an invigorating workout on the shiny new exercise bicycle he’d purchased at the mall, and from there on to a relaxing shower.

At night he dreamed of them, low and tawny, their eyes lumi - nous in the charcoal African dusk.

At night he dreamed of them, low and tawny, their eyes lumi - nous in the charcoal African dusk.

“Come, beautiful ones,” he whispered to them as they circled close.