Bud, Not Buddy Chapter 3

Four grown folks had held Bugs down whilst they tried to pull it out with a pair of tweezers but the only thing that that did was pull the roach's back legs off.

This wasn't a real good idea, I forgot all about the fish-head door guards.

Up at the very top of the shed was the biggest vampire bat you'd ever see!

I reached my hand toward the gray doorknob and quick as that I went from kind of calm to being in that stand-in-one- place-with-spit-drooling-down-the-front-of-your-shirt kind of scared.

I dropped my blanket and pillow and back-stepped until my legs hit the woodpile behind me.

Four grown folks had held Bugs down whilst they tried to pull it out with a pair of tweezers but the only thing that that did was pull the roach's back legs off.

The doorknob guards were three dried-out fish heads that someone had nailed to the door.

I knew the floor was no good, I'da bet all sorts of bugs and roaches were crawling around.

There was a gray gas can in one corner next to a bunch of gray rakes and a pile of gray rags, and a gray tire next to some gray fishing poles.

I simmered down and started thinking about getting even.

And I'd bet those Amoses wouldn't've even tried to pull the roach out, and who knows how long I'd've had to listen to some terrified roach screaming his head off right up against my eardrum?

It sounded like I'd turned on a buzz saw in the shed.

I raised the rake over my head again, closed my eyes and swung it like I was Paul Bunyan chopping down a tree with one blow.

I remember what happened to my best friend, Bugs, when a cockroach crawled in his ear one night at the Home.

I remember what happened to my best friend, Bugs, when a cockroach crawled in his ear one night at the Home.

This time when I charged at the door I put my hand out like Paul Robeson running down the football field.

I knew the floor was no good, I'da bet all sorts of bugs and roaches were crawling around.

I ran over to the pile of rags and poked at one of them with my shoe to make sure there weren't any rats or centipedes hiding under it, then I picked it up and hung it over the fish heads so I couldn't see them and they couldn't see me.

What I'd thought was a vampire bat hanging on the ceiling was really a hornets' nest and now there were about six thousand hornets flying around in the tiny shed and each and every one of them was looking for me!

I raised the rake over my head again, closed my eyes and swung it like I was Paul Bunyan chopping down a tree with one blow.

After while that got to be pretty boring so I scraped at the paper with my fingernails so I could see outside, but I like to keep my nails bit down real low and the paper didn't budge.

That way if I didn't kill him with the rake and it came down to the two of us tussling on the floor maybe a silver blade in his heart would be just as good as a silver bullet.

I guess being scared gives you a lot of strength because this time the window flew open with a loud bang.

I reached my hand toward the gray doorknob and quick as that I went from kind of calm to being in that stand-in-one- place-with-spit-drooling-down-the-front-of-your-shirt kind of scared.

I sneaked up the back porch steps to get inside the house.

I simmered down and started thinking about getting even.

Shucks, I couldn't remember for sure if you killed a vampire by driving a stake in its heart or by shooting it with a silver bullet!

This time when I charged at the door I put my hand out like Paul Robeson running down the football field.

Pretty soon it sounded like the five other breathers in the shed had left.

If I was wrong and didn't kill the bat right away I was going to be trapped in the shed with a vampire who was probably going to be real upset that someone had woke him up by whacking him with a rake.

I spread my fingers and my hand looked like a yellow-jacket bumblebee, bright yellow with black stripes.

I started getting madder and madder.

When they were digging around in Bugs's ears with the tweezers you'd've thought they were pulling his legs off, not some cockroach's, I'd never heard a kid scream that loud.

I smacked and whacked the hornets that had taken a ride on me and just laid there until I could catch my breath.

I sneaked up the back porch steps to get inside the house.

Up at the very top of the shed was the biggest vampire bat you'd ever see!

This time when I charged at the door I put my hand out like Paul Robeson running down the football field.

All that happened was the rag I'd covered the fish heads with came off and I got bounced back and landed square on the floor.

After about fifteen minutes of Bugs screaming the joint down they said they were going to have to take him to the emergency room to get the roach out.

If I was wrong and didn't kill the bat right away I was going to be trapped in the shed with a vampire who was probably going to be real upset that someone had woke him up by whacking him with a rake.

After about fifteen minutes of Bugs screaming the joint down they said they were going to have to take him to the emergency room to get the roach out.

Maybe Mr. Amos had only pretended to lock the door.

I rolled off the woodpile and crawled toward the door with the fish head guards.

But after the door opened a crack the padlock and chain on the outside held it tight.

I stood up on the woodpile and held the rake like it was a Louisville Slugger.

It was so loud that it sounded like there were six scared people locked up in the shed.

Shucks, I couldn't remember for sure if you killed a vampire by driving a stake in its heart or by shooting it with a silver bullet!

There was a gray gas can in one corner next to a bunch of gray rakes and a pile of gray rags, and a gray tire next to some gray fishing poles.

The doorknob guards were three dried-out fish heads that someone had nailed to the door.

My hand reached up to grab my cheek and I felt something creepy and prickly there.

The only thing I could think to do was jump on the woodpile and bust the glass out of the window.

The paper peeled away in little curly yellow strips like that stuff rich people throw on New Year's Eve.

The paper peeled away in little curly yellow strips like that stuff rich people throw on New Year's Eve.

Another fire-nail went into my knee and a second one went into my sock.

I remember what happened to my best friend, Bugs, when a cockroach crawled in his ear one night at the Home.

I waited until they put him in his bed and turned off the lights.

I walked over to the woodpile cool as a cucumber.

I simmered down and started thinking about getting even.

I walked over to the woodpile cool as a cucumber.

I closed my eyes and thought real hard about making my breathing slow down.

There was a gray gas can in one corner next to a bunch of gray rakes and a pile of gray rags, and a gray tire next to some gray fishing poles.

This time when I charged at the door I put my hand out like Paul Robeson running down the football field.

When they were digging around in Bugs's ears with the tweezers you'd've thought they were pulling his legs off, not some cockroach's, I'd never heard a kid scream that loud.

I took a piece of bark and brushed all the spiderwebs from in front of the window, then I put my hand on the glass to see if the newspaper was pasted on from the inside or the outside.

The paper peeled away in little curly yellow strips like that stuff rich people throw on New Year's Eve.

Yeah, they got him."

Each head had a wide-open mouth with a sharp set of pointy teeth and lips smiling back ready to bite.

But inside, every part of my guts was shaking.

I felt the rake jerk a little when it hit the bat and I opened my eyes just in time to see the vampire get cut right in half.

I brought my hand back down and it was holding the biggest, maddest hornet I'd ever seen.

He was still sound asleep.

If I was wrong and didn't kill the bat right away I was going to be trapped in the shed with a vampire who was probably going to be real upset that someone had woke him up by whacking him with a rake.

WHEN I BLINKED my eyes open, the first thing I noticed was that the light from the Amoses' bedroom was out.

The paper peeled away in little curly yellow strips like that stuff rich people throw on New Year's Eve.

I wondered how hard I'd have to pull the trigger on that double-barrel shotgun for it to go off.

Three hornets found me at the same time and all four of us fell out of the window.

I spread my fingers and my hand looked like a yellow-jacket bumblebee, bright yellow with black stripes.

My hand reached up to grab my cheek and I felt something creepy and prickly there.

I dropped my blanket and pillow and back-stepped until my legs hit the woodpile behind me.

I dropped my blanket and pillow and back-stepped until my legs hit the woodpile behind me.

There was a gray gas can in one corner next to a bunch of gray rakes and a pile of gray rags, and a gray tire next to some gray fishing poles.

Four grown folks had held Bugs down whilst they tried to pull it out with a pair of tweezers but the only thing that that did was pull the roach's back legs off.

The door banged against the lock but didn't budge a inch.

And I'd bet those Amoses wouldn't've even tried to pull the roach out, and who knows how long I'd've had to listen to some terrified roach screaming his head off right up against my eardrum?

I dropped my blanket and pillow and back-stepped until my legs hit the woodpile behind me.

This was a great place to have shadow puppets so I made my hand be a wolf and a dog and a duck.

But inside, every part of my guts was shaking.

I spread the blanket on top of the woodpile and climbed up on it.

I took out my jackknife and tried scraping the newspaper with it.

Just before I swung I remembered another one of Bud Caldwell's Rules and Things for Having a Funner Life and Making a Better Liar Out of Yourself.

I smacked and whacked the hornets that had taken a ride on me and just laid there until I could catch my breath.

What I'd thought was a vampire bat hanging on the ceiling was really a hornets' nest and now there were about six thousand hornets flying around in the tiny shed and each and every one of them was looking for me!

It sounded like I'd turned on a buzz saw in the shed.

All of a sudden it felt like someone had stuck a red-hot nail right into my left cheek.

Instead the only sound I heard was a kind of rattling like a couple of pieces of paper rubbing together or like dry leaves blowing around in the wind.

My fingers went right into the mouth of the biggest one and his little needle teeth cut me like a razor.

I wasn't about to let this vampire suck my blood dry without a war, he could kiss my wrist if he thought that was going to happen.

I looked back up into the rafters to see if the bat had woke up.

Shucks, I couldn't remember for sure if you killed a vampire by driving a stake in its heart or by shooting it with a silver bullet!

The little bit of light that came through the hole in the paper made me get calm enough that I could lay my head on my pillow and take a nap.

It was so loud that it sounded like there were six scared people locked up in the shed.

I raised the rake over my head again, closed my eyes and swung it like I was Paul Bunyan chopping down a tree with one blow.

It was so loud that it sounded like there were six scared people locked up in the shed.

I ran over to the pile of rags and poked at one of them with my shoe to make sure there weren't any rats or centipedes hiding under it, then I picked it up and hung it over the fish heads so I couldn't see them and they couldn't see me.

The doorknob guards were three dried-out fish heads that someone had nailed to the door.

After while the stings and the fish-guard bite quit hurting so much.

I dropped my blanket and pillow and back-stepped until my legs hit the woodpile behind me.

He was hanging upside down asleep, but the smell of me rising up to him would probably wake him up at any minute!

I remember what happened to my best friend, Bugs, when a cockroach crawled in his ear one night at the Home.

I stood up on the woodpile and held the rake like it was a Louisville Slugger.

All that happened was the rag I'd covered the fish heads with came off and I got bounced back and landed square on the floor.

I took my jackknife out of my pocket and pulled the blade open.

I took out my jackknife and tried scraping the newspaper with it.

He was hanging upside down asleep, but the smell of me rising up to him would probably wake him up at any minute!

All of a sudden it felt like someone had stuck a red-hot nail right into my left cheek.

I raised the rake over my head again, closed my eyes and swung it like I was Paul Bunyan chopping down a tree with one blow.

I picked up my blanket and pillow and had to decide what was the best way to sleep.

"All he kept yelling was, 'My legs!

The little bit of light that came through the hole in the paper made me get calm enough that I could lay my head on my pillow and take a nap.

Each head had a wide-open mouth with a sharp set of pointy teeth and lips smiling back ready to bite.

I reached my hand toward the gray doorknob and quick as that I went from kind of calm to being in that stand-in-one- place-with-spit-drooling-down-the-front-of-your-shirt kind of scared.

This time when I charged at the door I put my hand out like Paul Robeson running down the football field.

Everyone was asleep except me.

I was still scared but now it was that get-real-excited-and-want-to-move-around kind of scared.

Just before I swung I remembered another one of Bud Caldwell's Rules and Things for Having a Funner Life and Making a Better Liar Out of Yourself.

I closed my eyes and thought real hard about making my breathing slow down.

Halfway up the door were three little flat monster heads guarding the doorknob.

I knew the floor was no good, I'da bet all sorts of bugs and roaches were crawling around.

I closed my eyes and thought real hard about making my breathing slow down.

I looked back up into the rafters to see if the bat had woke up.

I ran over to the pile of rags and poked at one of them with my shoe to make sure there weren't any rats or centipedes hiding under it, then I picked it up and hung it over the fish heads so I couldn't see them and they couldn't see me.

The paper peeled away in little curly yellow strips like that stuff rich people throw on New Year's Eve.

If I was wrong and didn't kill the bat right away I was going to be trapped in the shed with a vampire who was probably going to be real upset that someone had woke him up by whacking him with a rake.

I felt the rake jerk a little when it hit the bat and I opened my eyes just in time to see the vampire get cut right in half.

I ran over to the pile of rags and poked at one of them with my shoe to make sure there weren't any rats or centipedes hiding under it, then I picked it up and hung it over the fish heads so I couldn't see them and they couldn't see me.

If I was wrong and didn't kill the bat right away I was going to be trapped in the shed with a vampire who was probably going to be real upset that someone had woke him up by whacking him with a rake.

There was a gray gas can in one corner next to a bunch of gray rakes and a pile of gray rags, and a gray tire next to some gray fishing poles.

I wondered how hard I'd have to pull the trigger on that double-barrel shotgun for it to go off.

That had to be Mr. and Mrs. Amos's bedroom.

I took a piece of bark and brushed all the spiderwebs from in front of the window, then I put my hand on the glass to see if the newspaper was pasted on from the inside or the outside.

Maybe Mr. Amos had only pretended to lock the door.

This put me so I was even with the window.

I spread my fingers and my hand looked like a yellow-jacket bumblebee, bright yellow with black stripes.

The paper peeled away in little curly yellow strips like that stuff rich people throw on New Year's Eve.

I eyed where the bat was sleeping and revved the rake like I was going to hit a four-hundred-foot home run.

I looked back up into the rafters to see if the bat had woke up.

I remember what happened to my best friend, Bugs, when a cockroach crawled in his ear one night at the Home.

"Did it hurt a lot?"

I closed my eyes and thought real hard about making my breathing slow down.

I ran over to the pile of rags and poked at one of them with my shoe to make sure there weren't any rats or centipedes hiding under it, then I picked it up and hung it over the fish heads so I couldn't see them and they couldn't see me.

I remember what happened to my best friend, Bugs, when a cockroach crawled in his ear one night at the Home.

I stood up on the woodpile and held the rake like it was a Louisville Slugger.

Another fire-nail went into my knee and a second one went into my sock.

All of a sudden it felt like someone had stuck a red-hot nail right into my left cheek.

I took a piece of bark and brushed all the spiderwebs from in front of the window, then I put my hand on the glass to see if the newspaper was pasted on from the inside or the outside.

They were a bright yellow with a big black spot right in the middle.

It sounded like I'd turned on a buzz saw in the shed.

After while that got to be pretty boring so I scraped at the paper with my fingernails so I could see outside, but I like to keep my nails bit down real low and the paper didn't budge.

This was a great place to have shadow puppets so I made my hand be a wolf and a dog and a duck.

Instead the only sound I heard was a kind of rattling like a couple of pieces of paper rubbing together or like dry leaves blowing around in the wind.

I ran over to the pile of rags and poked at one of them with my shoe to make sure there weren't any rats or centipedes hiding under it, then I picked it up and hung it over the fish heads so I couldn't see them and they couldn't see me.

The paper peeled away in little curly yellow strips like that stuff rich people throw on New Year's Eve.

Instead the only sound I heard was a kind of rattling like a couple of pieces of paper rubbing together or like dry leaves blowing around in the wind.

I touched paper.

When they were digging around in Bugs's ears with the tweezers you'd've thought they were pulling his legs off, not some cockroach's, I'd never heard a kid scream that loud.

I dropped my blanket and pillow and back-stepped until my legs hit the woodpile behind me.

It felt like the shed was getting smaller and smaller and the little mouths were getting closer and closer.

I got up off my knees and picked up the gray rake.

I reached over to the window and tried to slide it open.

I wasn't about to let this vampire suck my blood dry without a war, he could kiss my wrist if he thought that was going to happen.

I was still scared but now it was that get-real-excited-and-want-to-move-around kind of scared.

All of a sudden it felt like someone had stuck a red-hot nail right into my left cheek.

I ran over to the pile of rags and poked at one of them with my shoe to make sure there weren't any rats or centipedes hiding under it, then I picked it up and hung it over the fish heads so I couldn't see them and they couldn't see me.

It felt like the shed was getting smaller and smaller and the little mouths were getting closer and closer.

I jumped up again.

I rolled off the woodpile and crawled toward the door with the fish head guards.

Maybe Mr. Amos had only pretended to lock the door.

I spread the blanket on top of the woodpile and climbed up on it.

He was hanging upside down asleep, but the smell of me rising up to him would probably wake him up at any minute!

I was still scared but now it was that get-real-excited-and-want-to-move-around kind of scared.

I knew the floor was no good, I'da bet all sorts of bugs and roaches were crawling around.

Shucks, I couldn't remember for sure if you killed a vampire by driving a stake in its heart or by shooting it with a silver bullet!

After about fifteen minutes of Bugs screaming the joint down they said they were going to have to take him to the emergency room to get the roach out.

I spread my fingers and my hand looked like a yellow-jacket bumblebee, bright yellow with black stripes.

I squeezed my hand shut to crush it but it got in another sting on my palm.

I reached my hand toward the gray doorknob and quick as that I went from kind of calm to being in that stand-in-one- place-with-spit-drooling-down-the-front-of-your-shirt kind of scared.

When they were digging around in Bugs's ears with the tweezers you'd've thought they were pulling his legs off, not some cockroach's, I'd never heard a kid scream that loud.

I rolled off the woodpile and crawled toward the door with the fish head guards.

Four grown folks had held Bugs down whilst they tried to pull it out with a pair of tweezers but the only thing that that did was pull the roach's back legs off.

I simmered down and started thinking about getting even.

I spread my fingers and my hand looked like a yellow-jacket bumblebee, bright yellow with black stripes.

From all the fast breathing going on you'da thought the five other scared people had come back and brought a couple of scared friends with them.

I closed my eyes and thought real hard about making my breathing slow down.

I ran over to the pile of rags and poked at one of them with my shoe to make sure there weren't any rats or centipedes hiding under it, then I picked it up and hung it over the fish heads so I couldn't see them and they couldn't see me.

I finally got a hole big enough to look out and mashed my eye up against the glass.

Halfway up the door were three little flat monster heads guarding the doorknob.

The doorknob guards were three dried-out fish heads that someone had nailed to the door.

What I'd thought was a vampire bat hanging on the ceiling was really a hornets' nest and now there were about six thousand hornets flying around in the tiny shed and each and every one of them was looking for me!

It was almost morning when Bugs got back.

I dropped my shoulder down and charged at the door with all my might.

Each head had a wide-open mouth with a sharp set of pointy teeth and lips smiling back ready to bite.

I took a piece of bark and brushed all the spiderwebs from in front of the window, then I put my hand on the glass to see if the newspaper was pasted on from the inside or the outside.

Shucks, I couldn't remember for sure if you killed a vampire by driving a stake in its heart or by shooting it with a silver bullet!

I finally got a hole big enough to look out and mashed my eye up against the glass.

I spread my fingers and my hand looked like a yellow-jacket bumblebee, bright yellow with black stripes.

I took a piece of bark and brushed all the spiderwebs from in front of the window, then I put my hand on the glass to see if the newspaper was pasted on from the inside or the outside.

They were a bright yellow with a big black spot right in the middle.

I ran over to the pile of rags and poked at one of them with my shoe to make sure there weren't any rats or centipedes hiding under it, then I picked it up and hung it over the fish heads so I couldn't see them and they couldn't see me.

THE ONLY THING I could hear was my own breath.

Instead the only sound I heard was a kind of rattling like a couple of pieces of paper rubbing together or like dry leaves blowing around in the wind.

It was so loud that it sounded like there were six scared people locked up in the shed.

I sneaked up the back porch steps to get inside the house.

Each head had a wide-open mouth with a sharp set of pointy teeth and lips smiling back ready to bite.

But after the door opened a crack the padlock and chain on the outside held it tight.

There was a gray gas can in one corner next to a bunch of gray rakes and a pile of gray rags, and a gray tire next to some gray fishing poles.

RULES AND THINGS NUMBER 328 When You Make Up Your Mind to Do Something, Hurry Up and Do It, If You Wait You Might Talk Yourself Out of What You Wanted in the First Place.

It felt like the shed was getting smaller and smaller and the little mouths were getting closer and closer.

Maybe Mr. Amos had only pretended to lock the door.

I got up off my knees and picked up the gray rake.

I closed my eyes and thought real hard about making my breathing slow down.

When they were digging around in Bugs's ears with the tweezers you'd've thought they were pulling his legs off, not some cockroach's, I'd never heard a kid scream that loud.

What I'd thought was a vampire bat hanging on the ceiling was really a hornets' nest and now there were about six thousand hornets flying around in the tiny shed and each and every one of them was looking for me!

Each head had a wide-open mouth with a sharp set of pointy teeth and lips smiling back ready to bite.

Four grown folks had held Bugs down whilst they tried to pull it out with a pair of tweezers but the only thing that that did was pull the roach's back legs off.

I reached my hand toward the gray doorknob and quick as that I went from kind of calm to being in that stand-in-one- place-with-spit-drooling-down-the-front-of-your-shirt kind of scared.

I was mad at the Amoses, but most of all I was mad at me for believing there really was a vampire in the shed and for getting trapped like this where there wasn't anybody who cared what happened to me.

I reached my hand toward the gray doorknob and quick as that I went from kind of calm to being in that stand-in-one- place-with-spit-drooling-down-the-front-of-your-shirt kind of scared.

The doorknob guards were three dried-out fish heads that someone had nailed to the door.

THE ONLY THING I could hear was my own breath.

I reached my hand toward the gray doorknob and quick as that I went from kind of calm to being in that stand-in-one- place-with-spit-drooling-down-the-front-of-your-shirt kind of scared.

WHEN I BLINKED my eyes open, the first thing I noticed was that the light from the Amoses' bedroom was out.

I spread the blanket on top of the woodpile and climbed up on it.

Each head had a wide-open mouth with a sharp set of pointy teeth and lips smiling back ready to bite.

I waited until they put him in his bed and turned off the lights.

RULES AND THINGS NUMBER 328 When You Make Up Your Mind to Do Something, Hurry Up and Do It, If You Wait You Might Talk Yourself Out of What You Wanted in the First Place.

What I'd thought was a vampire bat hanging on the ceiling was really a hornets' nest and now there were about six thousand hornets flying around in the tiny shed and each and every one of them was looking for me!

That's the true story about how Bugs started getting called Bugs.

But after the door opened a crack the padlock and chain on the outside held it tight.

I said, "Did they get it out?"

I raised the rake over my head again, closed my eyes and swung it like I was Paul Bunyan chopping down a tree with one blow.

I'd seen lots of roaches but I'd never heard one of them make any sound.

I dropped my blanket and pillow and back-stepped until my legs hit the woodpile behind me.

Four grown folks had held Bugs down whilst they tried to pull it out with a pair of tweezers but the only thing that that did was pull the roach's back legs off.

He was hanging upside down asleep, but the smell of me rising up to him would probably wake him up at any minute!

But after the door opened a crack the padlock and chain on the outside held it tight.

I took a piece of bark and brushed all the spiderwebs from in front of the window, then I put my hand on the glass to see if the newspaper was pasted on from the inside or the outside.

What I'd thought was a vampire bat hanging on the ceiling was really a hornets' nest and now there were about six thousand hornets flying around in the tiny shed and each and every one of them was looking for me!

What I'd thought was a vampire bat hanging on the ceiling was really a hornets' nest and now there were about six thousand hornets flying around in the tiny shed and each and every one of them was looking for me!

All of a sudden it felt like someone had stuck a red-hot nail right into my left cheek.

Another hornet buzzed into my ear and it felt like someone had poured hot wax right down into my brain.

There was a gray gas can in one corner next to a bunch of gray rakes and a pile of gray rags, and a gray tire next to some gray fishing poles.

"Did it hurt a lot?"

I was still scared but now it was that get-real-excited-and-want-to-move-around kind of scared.

Each head had two little round eyes staring right at me.

Four grown folks had held Bugs down whilst they tried to pull it out with a pair of tweezers but the only thing that that did was pull the roach's back legs off.

I was still scared but now it was that get-real-excited-and-want-to-move-around kind of scared.

But inside, every part of my guts was shaking.

I closed my eyes and thought real hard about making my breathing slow down.

"Did it hurt a lot?"

THE ONLY THING I could hear was my own breath.

Shucks, I couldn't remember for sure if you killed a vampire by driving a stake in its heart or by shooting it with a silver bullet!

It felt like the shed was getting smaller and smaller and the little mouths were getting closer and closer.

Four grown folks had held Bugs down whilst they tried to pull it out with a pair of tweezers but the only thing that that did was pull the roach's back legs off.

I closed my eyes and thought real hard about making my breathing slow down.

After about fifteen minutes of Bugs screaming the joint down they said they were going to have to take him to the emergency room to get the roach out.

I waited until they put him in his bed and turned off the lights.

But inside, every part of my guts was shaking.

I eyed where the bat was sleeping and revved the rake like I was going to hit a four-hundred-foot home run.

Pretty soon it sounded like the five other breathers in the shed had left.

Shucks, I couldn't remember for sure if you killed a vampire by driving a stake in its heart or by shooting it with a silver bullet!

Just before I swung I remembered another one of Bud Caldwell's Rules and Things for Having a Funner Life and Making a Better Liar Out of Yourself.

I closed my eyes and thought real hard about making my breathing slow down.

I'd bet a thousand dollars that there were roaches on the floor of this shed, just waiting to crawl in someone's ear.

I eyed where the bat was sleeping and revved the rake like I was going to hit a four-hundred-foot home run.

I closed my eyes and thought real hard about making my breathing slow down.

All that happened was the rag I'd covered the fish heads with came off and I got bounced back and landed square on the floor.

From all the fast breathing going on you'da thought the five other scared people had come back and brought a couple of scared friends with them.

I raised the rake over my head again, closed my eyes and swung it like I was Paul Bunyan chopping down a tree with one blow.

I took a piece of bark and brushed all the spiderwebs from in front of the window, then I put my hand on the glass to see if the newspaper was pasted on from the inside or the outside.

All of a sudden it felt like someone had stuck a red-hot nail right into my left cheek.

RULES AND THINGS NUMBER 328 When You Make Up Your Mind to Do Something, Hurry Up and Do It, If You Wait You Might Talk Yourself Out of What You Wanted in the First Place.

Shucks, I couldn't remember for sure if you killed a vampire by driving a stake in its heart or by shooting it with a silver bullet!

I dropped my blanket and pillow and back-stepped until my legs hit the woodpile behind me.

This time when I charged at the door I put my hand out like Paul Robeson running down the football field.

I closed my eyes and thought real hard about making my breathing slow down.

Four grown folks had held Bugs down whilst they tried to pull it out with a pair of tweezers but the only thing that that did was pull the roach's back legs off.

I wasn't about to let this vampire suck my blood dry without a war, he could kiss my wrist if he thought that was going to happen.

I dropped my shoulder down and charged at the door with all my might.

They were a bright yellow with a big black spot right in the middle.

The paper peeled away in little curly yellow strips like that stuff rich people throw on New Year's Eve.

I ran over to the pile of rags and poked at one of them with my shoe to make sure there weren't any rats or centipedes hiding under it, then I picked it up and hung it over the fish heads so I couldn't see them and they couldn't see me.

I ran over to the pile of rags and poked at one of them with my shoe to make sure there weren't any rats or centipedes hiding under it, then I picked it up and hung it over the fish heads so I couldn't see them and they couldn't see me.

It didn't take too long for my eyes to get used to the dark.

The doorknob guards were three dried-out fish heads that someone had nailed to the door.

After while that got to be pretty boring so I scraped at the paper with my fingernails so I could see outside, but I like to keep my nails bit down real low and the paper didn't budge.

Pretty soon it sounded like the five other breathers in the shed had left.

I waited until they put him in his bed and turned off the lights.

That's the true story about how Bugs started getting called Bugs.

I picked up my blanket and pillow and had to decide what was the best way to sleep.

Then I knew what I was looking at.

From all the fast breathing going on you'da thought the five other scared people had come back and brought a couple of scared friends with them.

I felt the rake jerk a little when it hit the bat and I opened my eyes just in time to see the vampire get cut right in half.

I spread the blanket on top of the woodpile and climbed up on it.

What I'd thought was a vampire bat hanging on the ceiling was really a hornets' nest and now there were about six thousand hornets flying around in the tiny shed and each and every one of them was looking for me!

Then I knew what I was looking at.

THE ONLY THING I could hear was my own breath.

After about fifteen minutes of Bugs screaming the joint down they said they were going to have to take him to the emergency room to get the roach out.

I walked over to the woodpile cool as a cucumber.

When they were digging around in Bugs's ears with the tweezers you'd've thought they were pulling his legs off, not some cockroach's, I'd never heard a kid scream that loud.

Four grown folks had held Bugs down whilst they tried to pull it out with a pair of tweezers but the only thing that that did was pull the roach's back legs off.

Just before I swung I remembered another one of Bud Caldwell's Rules and Things for Having a Funner Life and Making a Better Liar Out of Yourself.

There was a gray gas can in one corner next to a bunch of gray rakes and a pile of gray rags, and a gray tire next to some gray fishing poles.

But after the door opened a crack the padlock and chain on the outside held it tight.

I finally got a hole big enough to look out and mashed my eye up against the glass.

Each head had a wide-open mouth with a sharp set of pointy teeth and lips smiling back ready to bite.

From all the fast breathing going on you'da thought the five other scared people had come back and brought a couple of scared friends with them.

I took my jackknife out of my pocket and pulled the blade open.

I'd bet a thousand dollars that there were roaches on the floor of this shed, just waiting to crawl in someone's ear.

I raised the rake over my head again, closed my eyes and swung it like I was Paul Bunyan chopping down a tree with one blow.

I spread the blanket on top of the woodpile and climbed up on it.

I reached my hand toward the gray doorknob and quick as that I went from kind of calm to being in that stand-in-one- place-with-spit-drooling-down-the-front-of-your-shirt kind of scared.

I smacked and whacked the hornets that had taken a ride on me and just laid there until I could catch my breath.

I touched paper.

I smacked and whacked the hornets that had taken a ride on me and just laid there until I could catch my breath.

I closed my eyes and thought real hard about making my breathing slow down.

From all the fast breathing going on you'da thought the five other scared people had come back and brought a couple of scared friends with them.

I wondered how hard I'd have to pull the trigger on that double-barrel shotgun for it to go off.

Four grown folks had held Bugs down whilst they tried to pull it out with a pair of tweezers but the only thing that that did was pull the roach's back legs off.

They were a bright yellow with a big black spot right in the middle.

Four grown folks had held Bugs down whilst they tried to pull it out with a pair of tweezers but the only thing that that did was pull the roach's back legs off.

From all the fast breathing going on you'da thought the five other scared people had come back and brought a couple of scared friends with them.

All that happened was the rag I'd covered the fish heads with came off and I got bounced back and landed square on the floor.

I was kind of surprised it didn't scream or cry or say, "Curses, you got me!"

I'd bet a thousand dollars that there were roaches on the floor of this shed, just waiting to crawl in someone's ear.

I dropped my shoulder down and charged at the door with all my might.

I wondered how hard I'd have to pull the trigger on that double-barrel shotgun for it to go off.

I waited until they put him in his bed and turned off the lights.

I waited until they put him in his bed and turned off the lights.

I guess being scared gives you a lot of strength because this time the window flew open with a loud bang.

I felt the rake jerk a little when it hit the bat and I opened my eyes just in time to see the vampire get cut right in half.

It was so loud that it sounded like there were six scared people locked up in the shed.

I squeezed my hand shut to crush it but it got in another sting on my palm.

Then I knew what I was looking at.

And I'd bet those Amoses wouldn't've even tried to pull the roach out, and who knows how long I'd've had to listen to some terrified roach screaming his head off right up against my eardrum?

I picked up my blanket and pillow and had to decide what was the best way to sleep.

From all the fast breathing going on you'da thought the five other scared people had come back and brought a couple of scared friends with them.

Halfway up the door were three little flat monster heads guarding the doorknob.

It was so loud that it sounded like there were six scared people locked up in the shed.

I took a piece of bark and brushed all the spiderwebs from in front of the window, then I put my hand on the glass to see if the newspaper was pasted on from the inside or the outside.

Three hornets found me at the same time and all four of us fell out of the window.

He was hanging upside down asleep, but the smell of me rising up to him would probably wake him up at any minute!

Pretty soon it sounded like the five other breathers in the shed had left.

He was hanging upside down asleep, but the smell of me rising up to him would probably wake him up at any minute!

THE ONLY THING I could hear was my own breath.

I brought my hand back down and it was holding the biggest, maddest hornet I'd ever seen.

Just before I swung I remembered another one of Bud Caldwell's Rules and Things for Having a Funner Life and Making a Better Liar Out of Yourself.

I closed my eyes and thought real hard about making my breathing slow down.

"Well, bugs ain't so different from us as you'd think, soon as he saw those tweezers coming at him he was pretty terrified and commenced to screaming, screaming in English too, not some bug language like you'd expect from a roach."

I touched paper.

Then I knew what I was looking at.

I reached my hand toward the gray doorknob and quick as that I went from kind of calm to being in that stand-in-one- place-with-spit-drooling-down-the-front-of-your-shirt kind of scared.

The next sound I heard was even worse than if the vampire had said, "Aha, you doggone kid, that hurt, but now I get my revenge!"

I closed my eyes and thought real hard about making my breathing slow down.

I closed my eyes and thought real hard about making my breathing slow down.

I sneaked up the back porch steps to get inside the house.

This was a great place to have shadow puppets so I made my hand be a wolf and a dog and a duck.

There was a gray gas can in one corner next to a bunch of gray rakes and a pile of gray rags, and a gray tire next to some gray fishing poles.

I was kind of surprised it didn't scream or cry or say, "Curses, you got me!"

What I'd thought was a vampire bat hanging on the ceiling was really a hornets' nest and now there were about six thousand hornets flying around in the tiny shed and each and every one of them was looking for me!

They were a bright yellow with a big black spot right in the middle.

All of a sudden it felt like someone had stuck a red-hot nail right into my left cheek.

Pretty soon it sounded like the five other breathers in the shed had left.

Then I knew what I was looking at.

He was hanging upside down asleep, but the smell of me rising up to him would probably wake him up at any minute!

I ran over to the pile of rags and poked at one of them with my shoe to make sure there weren't any rats or centipedes hiding under it, then I picked it up and hung it over the fish heads so I couldn't see them and they couldn't see me.

All that happened was the rag I'd covered the fish heads with came off and I got bounced back and landed square on the floor.

Each head had a wide-open mouth with a sharp set of pointy teeth and lips smiling back ready to bite.

Each head had two little round eyes staring right at me.

From all the fast breathing going on you'da thought the five other scared people had come back and brought a couple of scared friends with them.

I'd bet a thousand dollars that there were roaches on the floor of this shed, just waiting to crawl in someone's ear.

Just like there's a time that a smart person knows enough is enough, there's a time when you know you've got to fight.

I walked over to the woodpile cool as a cucumber.

"All he kept yelling was, 'My legs!

This time when I charged at the door I put my hand out like Paul Robeson running down the football field.

I ran over to the pile of rags and poked at one of them with my shoe to make sure there weren't any rats or centipedes hiding under it, then I picked it up and hung it over the fish heads so I couldn't see them and they couldn't see me.

They were a bright yellow with a big black spot right in the middle.

I was still scared but now it was that get-real-excited-and-want-to-move-around kind of scared.

And I'd bet those Amoses wouldn't've even tried to pull the roach out, and who knows how long I'd've had to listen to some terrified roach screaming his head off right up against my eardrum?

Three hornets found me at the same time and all four of us fell out of the window.

That way if I didn't kill him with the rake and it came down to the two of us tussling on the floor maybe a silver blade in his heart would be just as good as a silver bullet.

I raised the rake over my head again, closed my eyes and swung it like I was Paul Bunyan chopping down a tree with one blow.

I picked up my blanket and pillow and had to decide what was the best way to sleep.

If I was wrong and didn't kill the bat right away I was going to be trapped in the shed with a vampire who was probably going to be real upset that someone had woke him up by whacking him with a rake.

I was still scared but now it was that get-real-excited-and-want-to-move-around kind of scared.

Just like there's a time that a smart person knows enough is enough, there's a time when you know you've got to fight.

I reached my hand toward the gray doorknob and quick as that I went from kind of calm to being in that stand-in-one- place-with-spit-drooling-down-the-front-of-your-shirt kind of scared.

After while that got to be pretty boring so I scraped at the paper with my fingernails so I could see outside, but I like to keep my nails bit down real low and the paper didn't budge.

The paper peeled away in little curly yellow strips like that stuff rich people throw on New Year's Eve.

Mr. Amos was trying to help me!

It didn't take too long for my eyes to get used to the dark.

Halfway up the door were three little flat monster heads guarding the doorknob.

I simmered down and started thinking about getting even.

I eyed where the bat was sleeping and revved the rake like I was going to hit a four-hundred-foot home run.

The next thing I noticed made me wish I'd stayed asleep.

The paper peeled away in little curly yellow strips like that stuff rich people throw on New Year's Eve.

All of a sudden it felt like someone had stuck a red-hot nail right into my left cheek.

I was still scared but now it was that get-real-excited-and-want-to-move-around kind of scared.

This time when I charged at the door I put my hand out like Paul Robeson running down the football field.

I smacked and whacked the hornets that had taken a ride on me and just laid there until I could catch my breath.

It felt like the shed was getting smaller and smaller and the little mouths were getting closer and closer.

Instead the only sound I heard was a kind of rattling like a couple of pieces of paper rubbing together or like dry leaves blowing around in the wind.

All that happened was the rag I'd covered the fish heads with came off and I got bounced back and landed square on the floor.