The Last Lecture: Parts V–VI

“Hip” people love parodies.

I knew there had to be an earnestness about him that outweighed any superficial urges toward hipness.

I knew there had to be an earnestness about him that outweighed any superficial urges toward hipness.

Fashion, by the way, is commerce masquerading as hip.

Fashion, by the way, is commerce masquerading as hip.

She picked “Randolph” because it felt like the name some classy Virginian might have. And that may be why I rejected it and abhorred it.

And yet my mother kept at it. As a teen, I confronted her. “Do you really believe your right to name me supersedes my right to have my own identity?”

If I broke the chair, I’d have to pay to replace not just the chair...but, as an added inducement, the entire dining-room set.

He had this incredible non-whining aura about him.

Some students found my tips to be beneath them. They rolled their eyes. They assumed they knew how to play well with others: They had learned it in kindergarten. They didn’t need my rudimentary little pointers.

Try for optimal meeting conditions: Make sure no one is hungry, cold or tired. Meet over a meal if you can; food softens a meeting. That’s why they “do lunch” in Hollywood.

Whether you think you can or can’t, you’re right. That is from my cliché repertoire for incoming students.

I originally called it “The Best Failure Award,” but failure has so many negative connotations that students couldn’t get past the word itself.

This staff member held no sway over her application, so this was not a suck-up note. It was just a few words of thanks to somebody who, unbeknownst to her, happened to toss her note to him into her application folder.

He knew how smart Dennis was; he had seen his SAT and AP scores. In his view, the F’s were all due to attitude, not aptitude.

The dean was taken aback. “You’re a junior faculty member,” he said. “You’re not even tenured yet. Why are you sticking your neck out and making this the battle you want to undertake?”

“I’ll tell you the reason,” I said. “I want to vouch for Dennis because I believe in him.”

Perhaps he thought I was setting a precedent that other soon-to-be-tenured professors would be unwilling to equal.

The Disney trip was gratitude easily delivered. It was a tangible gift, and it was perfect because it was an experience I could share with people I cared about.

One thing that makes it possible to be an optimist is if you have a contingency plan for when all hell breaks loose.

“I’m sorry you feel hurt by what I’ve done.” (This is an attempt at an emotional salve, but it’s obvious you don’t want to put any medicine in the wound.)

My parents made visits to Disney World an integral part of their volunteer work.

He said he’d prefer that I worked hard and became the best ditch-digger in the world rather than coasting along as a self-impressed elitist behind a desk.

They saw my reasonable grades and my lackluster graduate-exam scores.

There are a few key moments in anyone’s life. A person is fortunate if he can tell in hindsight when they happened. I knew in the moment that I was in one.

With all the deference my young, arrogant self could muster, I said “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply it was about the money. It’s just that they only awarded fifteen of these fellowships nationwide, so I thought it an honor that would be relevant, and I apologize if that was presumptuous of me.”

It was the only answer I had, but it was the truth. Very, very slowly, Nico’s frozen visage thawed and we talked for a few minutes more.

It was a brick wall surmounted with a huge boost from a mentor and some sincere groveling.

Some students balked at my agreement. I think it’s because we as adults aren’t always great role models about being communitarians.

He gave me ninety minutes and became a lifelong mentor to me. Years later, he invited me to give a lecture at the University of North Carolina. That was the trip that led to the most seminal moment in my life—when I met Jai.

And just to keep things in perspective, from the “Some-Things-Never-Change” department, an unrequited crush from high school wrote to wish me well and gently reminded me why I was way too nerdy for her back then (also letting slip that she’d gone on to marry a real doctor).

But she told me the crucial thing is to tell them the specific idiosyncratic ways in which I related to them.

But she’s modest, much more modest than me, and she might not tell the kids this: that in our marriage, she had a guy who really deeply truly loved her.

Let’s start with Dylan. I admire how loving and empathetic he is. If another child is hurt, Dylan will bring over a toy or blanket.

He’s just this phenomenal ball of positive energy; completely physical and gregarious.

Depending on a child’s age and sense of self, an offhand comment from Mom or Dad can feel like a shove from a bulldozer.

As any family dealing with cancer knows, caregivers are often pushed to the sidelines. Patients get to focus on themselves. They’re the objects of adulation and sympathy.

As we all sang, I finally allowed myself to look at Jai. She sat in her front-row seat, wiping away tears with this surprised smile on her face, looking so lovely—bashful and beautiful, pleased and overwhelmed....

“Lucky” is a strange word to use to describe my situation, but a part of me does feel fortunate that I didn’t get hit by the proverbial bus.

Some single parents fall into the trap of trying to compensate by giving the kids material things.