The Smartest Kid in the Universe: Prologue–Chapter 12

“Yarr,” cried Aliento de Perro, leaning over the railing and working a line to lower a heavy iron chest. “Row upriver, ye scurvy knave. Find a good hiding place for me booty. Then hurry back to tell me where it be, or you’ll end up like your cowardly father!”

“Yarr,” cried Aliento de Perro, leaning over the railing and working a line to lower a heavy iron chest. “Row upriver, ye scurvy knave. Find a good hiding place for me booty. Then hurry back to tell me where it be, or you’ll end up like your cowardly father!”

El Perro Apestoso (the Stinky Dog), the ship that the blustering pirate Aliento de Perro (“Dog Breath”) now commanded, had been seized in an ugly mutiny from Eduardo’s father, the brave buccaneer Angel Vengador Leones.

El Perro Apestoso (the Stinky Dog), the ship that the blustering pirate Aliento de Perro (“Dog Breath”) now commanded, had been seized in an ugly mutiny from Eduardo’s father, the brave buccaneer Angel Vengador Leones.

Now the ship that had plundered and pillaged up and down the east coast of the American colonies was sinking under the relentless attack of a British man-o’-war that had chased it upriver.

Now the ship that had plundered and pillaged up and down the east coast of the American colonies was sinking under the relentless attack of a British man-o’-war that had chased it upriver.

Now the ship that had plundered and pillaged up and down the east coast of the American colonies was sinking under the relentless attack of a British man-o’-war that had chased it upriver.

As a precaution, Dog Breath (who never brushed his teeth) had ordered his cabin boy to haul the ship’s treasure to a less treacherous location.

“And what will the city do with this marvelous property once they shut down this dilapidated excuse for a school?”

“Yes, Uncle Heath,” said Mrs. Malvolio. “They’ll probably sell it to you. And then you’ll pay me that very generous finder’s fee we discussed when I applied for this principal position.”
“Indeed I will, Patricia.”
They both laughed maniacally.

Recently, Kojo had stumbled upon an ancient show called Kojak on some obscure cable rerun channel. He’d become obsessed with the famous TV detective. Kojo even adopted Kojak’s famous catchphrase, “Who loves ya, baby?”

As Jake ambled along the hallway, he saw Grace Garcia hanging a poster on the wall.

“Put me down as a maybe,” said Kojo. “I have to check my schedule. They’re streaming Columbo reruns on the Sleuth channel this month.”

“Only British people say ‘smashing.’ You know, on that TV show. The one where they bake all the cakes.”
The kid stared at Jake as if he were an unruly monkey hurling poo at the zoo. “Father was right. This is the worst school in the district. Maybe the entire state.”

Mrs. Malvolio marched into the lunchroom. She was carrying a thick stack of papers. Hubert Huxley, the tall kid Jake had met earlier, was walking behind her. They made a beeline for Grace Garcia’s table.

“But I want to stay here with my uncle Charley.”
“Who’s he?” scoffed Hubert.
“My so-called vice principal,” muttered Mrs. Malvolio with a dismissive roll of her eyes.

“Okay, guys,” Mr. Lyons said right before it was time to leave the locker room and hit the floor. “Sunny Brook is tough. Their center is a six-foot giant named Hubert Huxley. The boy is humongous. But I outlined a play that I think will allow us to get into the paint and score on their big man....”

“He any good?” asked Jake.
“Seems like it. I mean, he can’t tell you who’s going to win tonight’s game or nothin’, but way back in 1995, he predicted that we’d use computers to buy junk on the internet. Everybody laughed at him. Turns out he was right. Turns out he’s always right. He predicted GPS navigation devices for cars before anybody else, too. And those E-Z Pass things on the turnpike so you don’t have to slow down or stop to pay tolls. The guy’s legit. A real scientific soothsayer.”

There was also a video monitor where you could watch and listen to what was going on in the dining room. Right now it was mostly hubbub, laughter, and the sound of clinking plates and tumbling ice as uniformed servers whisked around the room with their heavy trays and pitchers of water.

Somewhere, probably in the shadows, Jake and Emma’s mom was orchestrating all the action over her headset.

The MIT scholar pretended he couldn’t hear Farooqi.
“I know you can hear me, sir,” shouted Farooqi. “I’m speaking very loudly, and you’re only three feet away. The elementary physics of sound waves assures me that you are receiving my auditory signals.”

“But, Dr. Blackbridge, sir, I’ve had a breakthrough! I think. I mean, I won’t know for sure until we run a series of rigorous tests.”

One of Blackbridge’s handlers was attempting to guide the esteemed theoretical thinker toward the exit.

Emma was gawking at her big brother as if he were a freak. Jake couldn’t blame her. The words tumbling out of his mouth were kind of freakish.

“You’re sweating.”
“Yeah,” said Jake. “I guess I shouldn’t’ve eaten the beef and the chicken.”
“You wolfed down two slices of cake, too. With extra chocolate sauce.”

“We should call Mom. You might need to see a doctor.”
“No. It’s just indigestion. Of course, indigestion, also known as dyspepsia, is a term that describes a wide range of gastrointestinal maladies.”

“We should call Mom. You might need to see a doctor.”
“No. It’s just indigestion. Of course, indigestion, also known as dyspepsia, is a term that describes a wide range of gastrointestinal maladies.”

“We nuked a couple of frozen burritos,” said Jake. “Of course, the precise origin of burritos isn’t known. According to Wikipedia, some speculate that they might have originated in the eighteen hundreds among the vaqueros, the cowboys of northern Mexico.”

“We nuked a couple of frozen burritos,” said Jake. “Of course, the precise origin of burritos isn’t known. According to Wikipedia, some speculate that they might have originated in the eighteen hundreds among the vaqueros, the cowboys of northern Mexico.”

“Say hi to Kojo for me,” said his mom. “Is he still fixated on that old TV show Kojak?”

That afternoon, thanks to Mr. Lyons’s play diagrams and Jake’s practical application of geometry and trigonometry in the execution of those plays, coupled with his on-the-fly mathematical calculations of shot probability and a laser-sharp focus on the parabola, or curve, of all his shots—not to mention feeding the ball to Kojo at precisely the right instant so he could also score—the Riverview Pirates won their first game in five years.

After the ovation ended, Dr. Blackbridge went down the list of things he had successfully predicted in the past.

“But our senses may not be the most efficient channel for learning. So here is my prediction: In the not-too-distant future, we are going to ingest information. You’re going to swallow a pill and know English. You’re going to swallow a pill and know geometry, trigonometry, and quantum physics. You’ll take another pill and instantly speak Swahili.”

“But our senses may not be the most efficient channel for learning. So here is my prediction: In the not-too-distant future, we are going to ingest information. You’re going to swallow a pill and know English. You’re going to swallow a pill and know geometry, trigonometry, and quantum physics. You’ll take another pill and instantly speak Swahili.”

“This will all happen,” the professor continued, “through the bloodstream. Molecules of knowledge will float up to your brain and deposit themselves in all the right cells and synapses. You won’t need to read a book or attend lectures to understand Shakespeare. The chemicals in these pills will do your learning for you.”