Lawn Boy Returns: Foreword–Chapter 4

One minute I was twelve years old and wondering where I could get enough money for an inner tube for my old used ten-speed. And the next minute I’m a financial prodigy with my own business and a bunch of people working for me and a stockbroker and a prizefighter of my very own.

Six weeks ago, I inherited my grandfather’s old lawn mower and came up with a wild plan of making $7,500 over the twelve weeks of summer if I worked all day, every day, mowing lawns. At the time, it seemed like a staggering amount of money.

For a little while, it seemed like everything I touched turned to gold. That was the good part. But then for a little while, it seemed like everything I touched turned to compost. That was the bad part.

Joey couldn’t hear what the guy was saying because his ears were still ringing from his sparring partner’s accidental haymaker.

Grandma’s learned a lot about boxing recently. I walked in on one of Joey’s training sessions the other day and saw her shadowboxing in the corner. She’s been pestering Joey to teach her to feint and jab.

When she said, “I have always despised the taste and texture of olives,” and gestured to this dirty, hairy Zed person as he climbed out of his truck, I couldn’t figure out what Zed and olives had in common, but I got a bad feeling.

Zed stuck his hand out and I forced myself to shake his grubby paw.

I looked over at Grandma and Joey. She’d put her hands up in front of her face and Joey was, very gently, tapping them with loose fists as she taunted him. “Is that all you’ve got? C’mon, let’s see some speed and power.” Never mind that if Joey so much as flicked her with his forefinger and thumb, he’d propel her into next week.

“So, what do you do for a living?” I asked.
“Oh, ya know, this ’n’ that. I’m between jobs now an’ it seems to me Joey could use a good corner man, and who’s better to have on yer side than fam’ly? Plus I don’t go all squeamish at the sighta blood ’n’ guts.”

Grandma went inside to rest her eyes (that’s what she calls taking a nap), and Zed—after blowing his nose without using a tissue, sending a snot rocket onto the perfectly mowed lawn—thumped up the step into his “rig” and started to fry up some roadkill he’d scraped off the interstate.

The Status Quo in Economic Endeavors—at Best, an Unreliable Concept

I enjoyed five or ten minutes of quiet, just me and my lawn mower. It had started making some weird grinding-buzzing sounds on the drive home last night and I was tinkering with it, trying to recapture the familiar humming growl I’d come to know like the sound of my own breathing.

Kenny knelt on the ground next to me, studying the gas tank and bouncing his basketball off the front wheel. Allen thoughtfully tapped the throttle, where the rabbit and the turtle indicated the two speeds. He propped his book on the steering wheel and nodded. “Good fit.”

The Methodology of Team Development

“Given the dramatic—and, may I add, unprecedented—expansion of your financial assets and professional interests this summer, which is, of course, trippy and wild, I think we need to discuss adding to the team. I’ve done some research and found four people I think you should meet.”

Allen and Kenny looked slightly terrified to find themselves in a business meeting. Kenny patted his basketball nervously and Allen absentmindedly thumbed through his book. Their eyes were fixed on Arnold.

“Frank is the most efficient business manager I’ve ever met.”
I nodded. Doesn’t every soon-to-be-seventh-grader need a good business manager?

The Prudence of Adding Personnel to Manage Material and Financial Well-being

The Prudence of Adding Personnel to Manage Material and Financial Well-being

The Prudence of Adding Personnel to Manage Material and Financial Well-being

“I’m glad you asked.” Arnold beamed at Allen. “Since everyone will be, initially, part-time, they’ll set up shop in my house. I’m not a proponent of wasting money on rent. So until we can find a solid building to buy to accommodate the administrative portions of the operations as well as to create equity through property ownership, I think we should keep reinvesting the profits in stocks and focus on expanding the employee base.”

“I’m glad you asked.” Arnold beamed at Allen. “Since everyone will be, initially, part-time, they’ll set up shop in my house. I’m not a proponent of wasting money on rent. So until we can find a solid building to buy to accommodate the administrative portions of the operations as well as to create equity through property ownership, I think we should keep reinvesting the profits in stocks and focus on expanding the employee base.”

Well, sure, when he put it like that, I could see that I was never going to become a preteen real estate mogul if I wasted earnings by renting rather than buying. Like I had a clue. But Allen nodded like he wrestled with the rent-versus-buy dilemma every day.

Well, sure, when he put it like that, I could see that I was never going to become a preteen real estate mogul if I wasted earnings by renting rather than buying. Like I had a clue. But Allen nodded like he wrestled with the rent-versus-buy dilemma every day.

“Here’s a laptop.” Arnold handed me a shiny silver rectangle. “I loaded it with our bookkeeping, scheduling, word processing and address book programs. The systems are linked between the six of us and the entire network is password-protected. Gib will look after things so you can concentrate on the lawn-mowing operation and, of course, school in the fall.”

I can’t worry about the phases of my operations when I’ve got a trig test to study for. Trig looms in my life like a mathematical predatory beast.

I can’t worry about the phases of my operations when I’ve got a trig test to study for. Trig looms in my life like a mathematical predatory beast.

“Lindy’s drawing up articles of incorporation, which will protect your personal assets from any real or perceived vulnerabilities or liabilities of a professional nature.”
Can a seventh grader sign legal documents? My parents won’t even let me buy the super-hyper energy drink at the convenience store.

Dad is great, but he’s an inventor and he’d probably tune out while he sketched gigantic catapults and estimated the tensile strength required for a bungee cord to send a one-man glider into orbit.

Some people take yoga classes or meditate, but for me, sitting on the lawn mower helps make sense of things.