All Boys Aren't Blue: Act 4

I wanted to have the friendships and the good grades and the parties, but as a gay person. Not as this guy who was petrified...

I was so concerned that first year with finding myself while outside the constraints of home that I lost the parts of myself that I liked.

I wanted to have control over my vice, not let it control me.

The Divine Nine represents the nine Black Greek Letter organizations founded on the principles of Christianity, chivalry, friendship, sisterhood, brotherhood, and the overall fight for Blackness.

The Divine Nine represents the nine Black Greek Letter organizations founded on the principles of Christianity, chivalry, friendship, sisterhood, brotherhood, and the overall fight for Blackness.

As I walked toward the crowd, I realized there had to be at least 700 students circled around the newest initiates of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc.

As I walked toward the crowd, I realized there had to be at least 700 students circled around the newest initiates of Delta Sigma Theta Sorority, Inc.

I didn’t know what I was watching at the time exactly, but I was mesmerized by it all.

Masculinity—better yet, my lack of it—was always at the forefront of my mind.

Lawrence’s frat had “Aims,” which were “manly deeds, scholarship, and love for all mankind.” Manly stuck out to me. It was a stark contrast to the femininity that the sororities presented.

I was also looking for brotherhood—the ability to bond with other guys in a platonic way.

A federal law against hazing was enacted to help prevent that from happening again—and most states have antihazing law

A federal law against hazing was enacted to help prevent that from happening again—and most states have antihazing laws.

That night, I proved to myself that manhood isn’t a monolith. That there was a version of manhood, a version of “manly,” that looked like me.

As I’ve said, there was not much mainstream queer representation back then, and my high school taught sexual education in a very archaic way.

It had been a daunting task...

I felt agency in that moment.

To deny the queer community a basic sex education as teens is to perpetuate the prevalence of those statistics.

To deny the queer community a basic sex education as teens is to perpetuate the prevalence of those statistics.

We suppress who we are during those early formative years when we should be learning and growing beside our straight peers, and within the safety and support of our families.

I didn’t have to compromise my identity for the appeasement of others.

I didn’t respond with emotions immediately as much as I did with clarifying questions.

Prayer was always the way for me to get to that place of solace in the hardest moments in my life.

We studied together often, and when he would have his “blow up” moments, I could always rein him back in.

We made it through the funeral and all headed to the cemetery, where it was time for us to do our final farewell. Kenny’s parents decided that we should be the pallbearers—and there were exactly eight of us so it seemed the universe wanted it that way, too.