Klawde: Evil Alien Warlord Cat: Prologue–Chapter 14

Only one cat had not betrayed me: my loyal minion, Flooffee-Fyr.

Far across the universe, they discovered a vast wasteland of a planet, inhabited by a race of carnivorous ogres. For generations, we sent our convicts there. None ever returned. But in the year 49-763-B, the punishment was deemed too cruel, and it was decreed that no feline—no matter how evil, no matter how tyrannical—would ever again be sent to this horrible place.

But in the year 49-763-B, the punishment was deemed too cruel, and it was decreed that no feline—no matter how evil, no matter how tyrannical—would ever again be sent to this horrible place.

But in the year 49-763-B, the punishment was deemed too cruel, and it was decreed that no feline—no matter how evil, no matter how tyrannical—would ever again be sent to this horrible place.

You, former Lord High Emperor, have been so relentless in clawing your way to power, so ruthless in your evil schemes of domination, and so dedicated to general crimes against felinity, that we are forced to resurrect this ancient punishment.

A lesser cat might have begged for mercy, but all I showed them was my scorn!

Every one of you feckless felines will rue the day you overthrew me—the greatest warlord the universe has ever known—for the likes of a pathetic schemer like General Ffangg!

Every one of you feckless felines will rue the day you overthrew me—the greatest warlord the universe has ever known—for the likes of a pathetic schemer like General Ffangg!

The liquid slid down my lustrous fur, chilling me to the bone.

I needed to gain entry into one of these fortified structures.

I didn’t know what the ogres within would do to me, but this falling liquid was intolerable.

The cat swatted at him with his paw.
“It’s probably feral,” Mom said.

I attempted to get a better look at the glowing button. Maybe it was operated by paw-print recognition technology. Were these Humans less primitive than was believed?

The largest ogre reached toward me, and I batted its monstrous, hairless paw aside. But there was no way I could overwhelm them all!

I don’t think the Humans understood my sophisticated language.
Their own speech was as ugly as their long, whiskerless faces. What came out of their mouths was an incomprehensible mix of slurring and grunting.

“On one condition,” she said.
I should’ve known there’d be a condition.
“You keep the cat, you go to nature camp,” she said.

FORAGE the WILDERNESS for FOOD!

I observed the Humans as they communicated in their barbaric tongue.

Before I could even begin to ponder it, something even stranger happened: The ogre stretched out on a soft platform, covered itself with a large piece of cloth, and died.

Once I located the Humans’ weapons and teleporter, I could make my way back to Lyttyrboks and reclaim what was rightfully mine.

First, however, I had to do something about the pitiful state of my fur. The foul falling liquid had made it damp and clumpy.

The Humans began to ARISE.
They lumbered about with half-opened eyes.
ZOMBIES! They were GIANT OGRE ZOMBIES!!

After breakfast, my mom said we needed to start unpacking, but my dad insisted we go out for cat supplies.

The vet started screaming and flailing his arms around.

I struggled valiantly, but together the two ogres overpowered me.

At the end of a seemingly endless journey, they removed my cage from the vehicle. The landscape was the most awful and desolate I had ever seen.

I left long red scratch marks all over its vile, furless cheeks.

My dad didn’t play any eighties music on the ride home from PetBin. He looked sort of grim.

And then he hacked up a giant hairball.

There were also several fluffy, fake animals that they tried to coax me into attacking and killing.

I spit out the pellets and jumped near the flaming metal box to sample this food, but the long-furred Human pushed me off.
The gall!

If only I had my molecular disintegrator, I would have vaporized it.

A girl had just materialized in front of me, like some kind of nature ninja.

I turned around to see a kid the size of a refrigerator looming over me.

Worse even than the petrified pellets was the foul-smelling canned sludge they seemed to think was a treat for me.

It cracked open, and a yellow-orange glob suspended in a thick clear goo oozed out.

Most of the Humans’ apparatuses had to do with creating light or heat.

After more searching, I found what I hoped was a photon gun, but the wire contraptions at the end of it did not fire ten gigajoules of electricity.

After more searching, I found what I hoped was a photon gun, but the wire contraptions at the end of it did not fire ten gigajoules of electricity.

You could barely maim even one enemy at a time with it!