Before I Fall: Prologue–Day One

That’s what I remembered in that before-death instant, when I was supposed to be having some big revelation about my past: the smell of varnish and the squeak of our sneakers on the polished floor; the tightness of my polyester shorts; the laughter echoing around the big, empty space like there were way more than twenty-five people in the gym.

I lean forward, trying to apply mascara without gouging my eye out.

I know what it’s like to have to squabble and pick and fight over the leftovers.

They look so clinical, like something your doctor would prescribe for allergies or intestinal problems.

I’m not sure whether he’s serious or whether he’s just trying to keep the seniors in line, but there is no way I’m letting some fascist teacher ruin my chances of getting into BU.

Actually my grades have been pretty good in chem this year, but it isn’t because I’ve had a sudden epiphany about proton-electron interaction.

I peek over Lauren’s shoulder and copy down two of her answers—I’m good at being subtle about it—when Mr. Tierney calls out, ‘Threeeeee minutes.’

'After reviewing last week’s test results, I realize there’s still a lot of confusion about asymptotes and limits,’ he begins, leaning against his desk and crossing his legs at the ankle. Nobody else could make calculus even remotely interesting, I’m sure of it.

His smile doesn’t waver.

He gets up and makes a big flourish, like a bow, when she sits down.

‘Bye, ladies,’ Rob says, and saunters off with his hat just tilted on an angle.

She’s always going off on tangents.

Sometimes I’ll zone out for a few minutes, and all of a sudden she’ll be talking about underwear in the eighteenth century or oppression in Africa or the way the sun looks rising over the Grand Canyon.

Thomas Jefferson is about three miles outside of downtown Ridgeview—or what you can call the downtown—but only about a half mile from a small strip of dingy stores we’ve named the Row.

At least he’s embarrassed to be caught out with Anna so blatantly.

I point at the meat congealing in a grayish sauce in a bowl on the table, next to two fortune cookies and a sad-looking orange.

We start cutting across the teachers’ lot when we see Ms. Winters, the vice principal, threading between cars, trying to rout out the smokers who don’t have time or are too lazy to walk all the way down to the Lounge and instead try to hide out between the teachers’ old Volvos and Chevrolets.

Ms. Winters has some crazy vendetta against people who smoke.

...I get this feeling like I’m floating above everything, hovering above all of the houses and the roads and the yards and the trees, going up, up, up, above Rocky’s and the Rite Aid and the gas station and Thomas Jefferson and the football field and the metal bleachers where we sit and scream our heads off every homecoming. Like everything is tiny and insignificant.

‘Must’ve put my phone down somewhere.’
I roll my eyes. ‘You’re a delinquent.’
‘I like it when you use those big words.’

‘My boyfriend’s an idiot,’ I say as soon as he lurches away.

Elody begins giggling hysterically until she doubles over and has to cover her mouth with both hands.

He pushes Juliet again and she careens into Emma McElroy.

The room is stifling, spinning faster than before. I have to get out for some air.

‘There’s always tomorrow,’ Lindsay said to me, when I told her about Rob, and I run the phrase over and over in my head like a mantra: There’s always tomorrow. There’s always tomorrow.

Every time I put on makeup it reminds me of my mother—I used to watch her bend over her vanity, getting ready for dates with my father—and it calms me down.

The music’s still going so we can’t hear Bridget, but her shoulders are shaking up and down like she’s convulsing.

He and Chris are already done fighting and are sprawled on the floor, laughing their heads off.

For a moment we stand under the porch eaves, watching our breath condense into clouds, hugging ourselves.

The tires skid a little on the wet road and the car is full of cigarette smoke, little wisps rising like phantoms in the air.