Quiet Power: Part Two

“We want to talk to you,” she said somberly.

In addition to their other insults and slights, the girls talked about how she was too quiet.

This is a generalization and not an out-and-out rule, but often boys work out their differences through physical fights or contests, battling with their fists or on the playing field.

Girls more often resort to something called relational aggression.

Some girls use their relationships with other girls as weapons to intimidate and belittle these supposed friends, all in the name of power and popularity.

The process of making new friends felt impossible. The whole grade seemed as if it had been divided into impenetrable cliques, and now that she’d dropped her supposed friends, Georgia was on her own.

“Being quiet was a strength because I was able to build a few close friendships rather than a bunch of superficial ones,” she said. “I was able to share my feelings and thoughts and connect with my friends on a deeper level.”

When Davis graduated from high school, he worried that he wasn’t going to know how to make friends in college. He decided that he needed to come up with an icebreaker. Over the summer, he taught himself some magic tricks.

These interactions boosted his confidence, and Davis eventually decided that he was using the cards as a crutch for an ailment that no longer existed.

Of course, you have to be careful not to make the conversation too lopsided—the people you’re talking to want to feel heard, not grilled. So don’t be afraid to interject your own thoughts and opinions into the mix.

People aren’t mind readers. As much as we want someone to understand us implicitly, sometimes we have to provide more information.

Full-fledged extroverts draw energy from loud bashes.

He would invite the person to meet for coffee the next day or to join him at the art gallery to check out a new exhibit. In doing so, he was making it clear that it was the party that turned him off, not the person. Usually the person accepted his invitation, and these more intimate outings didn’t only appeal to other introverts.

He found that his more outgoing classmates, the ones who relished the parties he tried to avoid, also enjoyed chilling out one-on-one.

He just didn’t want to be anonymous. Soon, though, he found out that his fears were baseless.

I was dabbling in lots of groups. That’s part of the social butterfly thing: I had good friends, but no best friends.

...the euphoria they create can quickly give way to depression and anxiety.

The most sustainable solution is to get better and better at being who you already are, and to learn what situations make you the most comfortable and how to find comfort in situations that aren’t ideal.

START ON THE FRINGES: Once you arrive, give yourself time to adjust to the noise and movement. Linger with your friends around the borders of the room first, where it’s likely to be slightly calmer.

Focus on your friends and allow yourself to get acclimated before venturing out.

Focus on your friends and allow yourself to get acclimated before venturing out.

And social media can be an opportunity to find validation: Many teens told me that when they felt insecure or underappreciated by the people around them, their confidence was boosted by getting likes on Facebook or Instagram.

Always keep in mind that most people present an airbrushed version of their lives online. Think about what gets posted to Instagram: photos of vacations, or of delicious meals, or of moments at parties when we’re mid-laughter and flanked by friends.

Frankly, since the Internet is open to everyone, there are a lot of creeps and criminals out there, and bullies too.

The small talk he had to make with customers all day gave him confidence. “I had these insignificant conversations a hundred times a day. Before, I was so incredibly uncomfortable with that, but not anymore.”

To Robby, this experience was a testament to the power of repetition. “You’re not going to become more confident just through willpower. Practice is important.”

Though he was glad to be around some kindred spirits, he didn’t talk to anyone in that garage—he was way too shy for that.

Together, these utterly different personality types—one introvert, one extrovert—shaped the Apple brand.

When you read Wozniak’s account of his work process on that first PC, the most striking thing is that he was always by himself.

My husband is an outspoken extrovert, and we complement each other in wonderful and unexpected ways. It can be incredibly powerful to partner with someone who is your opposite in disposition.

As James persevered, though, it became obvious that his fears were unfounded.

The co-presidents began convening a sort of cabinet meeting of students during which kids could share their ideas and debate different initiatives.

Brian would gravitate toward the head of the table and drive the conversation, actively steering the debates, but James would rarely say a word.

The idea resonated with James as well, so he approached Brian and suggested that the kids in their grade could use a chance to bond.

In the experiment, when introverts talked to other introverts, they tended to focus on one or a few deep or profound subjects.