Be More Chill: Chapters 21–34

It's like nothing I've ever experienced, transcendent pain, from temple to temple, death, fear, agony, like a spike bent through my ear...and then it's over.

I expect a hug from him or something, but all he does is get up, crush his cigarette underfoot and lead me back, past monoliths of shoes, to the Payless retail area.

"Excuse me, is there a reason nobody's attending to customers in here?" she asks, hair bouncing against her cheek, indignant.

YOU, HOWEVER, DESIRE A COMPLETE BEHAVIORAL OVERHAUL. CORRECT? YOU HAVE TO BE MORE CHILL—

NO, I DO NOT MEAN "CHILL OUT." WE ONLY USE SQUIP-APPROVED DATA FOR THE VERNACULAR, JEREMY.

It's unnerving communicating with a disembodied Keanu Reeves.

DUE TO MY QUANTUM STRUCTURE I AM ABLE TO INTERACT AT A LOW LEVEL WITH PHOTONS IN PARALLEL UNIVERSES AND EXTRAPOLATE FORWARD, KNOWING THEIR ENTANGLED STATES, TO SEE WHAT THOSE UNIVERSES HAVE TO OFFER.

"Did you ladies hear about Eminem?" I ask. The squip says ladies is all right to say; it's "corny but disarmingly distinctive," it says.

NOTICE HOW THE PLIGHT OF ONE FEMALE PRODUCES FAVORABLE BEHAVIOR ON THE PART OF THE TARGET?

I sit in back with Chloe as one song ends and the DJ comes on with a slightly different tone than his usual guttural grunting.

I climb the stairs and Rich is at the top, hanging with a pack of fawning females.

Rich leads me back to his cadre of females, arrayed at the top of the steps as if they are waiting for an audition and not for school.

BE JADED AND PROFANE.

BE JADED AND PROFANE.

"So who's going to class and who's gonna hang with me in the dank and creepy spot?"

Abby and Brooke stick around so it's just Rich, two girls and myself—an illustrious foursome—who make our way to the "dank and creepy spot" to do something dank and creepy.

I can see the bike rack through a hedge and a few kids kowtowing to it, kneeling to lock up their rides as the late bell rings.

IT IMPEDES COMMUNICATION PARAMETERS.

IT IMPEDES COMMUNICATION PARAMETERS.

Mr. Reyes is going on about the importance of blocking and physical humor in "the work," which is "the very pinnacle—maaaaaaaa!—of Shakespeare's comedies."

SHE'LL HEAR ABOUT YOUR EXPLOITS AND GRAVITATE TOWARD YOU

I punched as hard as I could, but he's not bleeding or anything! THAT’S BECAUSE YOUR BODY IS INCONSEQUENTIAL, JEREMY. MORE PUSH-UPS.

I stick my tongue out and loll it around...

Reyes chastises me: "Get up, young fool! Redo the scene!"

In this enviable state—cleaned up, decked out, well dressed, flake-free, and at once socially hyperconscious and totally at ease—I give Chloe $25 for my roll.

"Remember how we lost the original trees so we had to use palm trees outside the castles even though it was supposed to be a deciduous European forest?"

"Remember that anachronism?"

I've wanted him along the whole time, but now I finally have the clout to bring him.

I look at the driveway. I ran over some grass but, all in all, it was an excellent gambit.

We traipse on the glittering asphalt to Mom's car.

(I'm in a designer tee, used jeans, and a baseball cap at a jaunty angle.)

It's easy to tell where the action is: one house has a T-shirt and bra out on the front lawn, all the lights except one on inside, and what looks like a stream of urine emanating from a third-story window.

"Hi, I'm Jason's brother..." He shakes hands prissily. "Do you know who Jason is?"

My words seem to have rhythm, something primal and stuttered to the music, or something.

Chloe's impossible gorgeous elfin face shudders.

I shake my head extravagantly.

Now an eye appears at the window, like a whale eye, except I realize that it's not a whale, that some belligerent person has punched through from outside and that we're below ground level and he's up on the lawn.

Oh God, the whole room is shaking...undulating...vacillating.

Oh God, the whole room is shaking...undulating...vacillating.

I almost step on Ryu's head as I screech through the human traffic and back around to the front of the house, the start of the party. What's-his-name, Carl, the door guard, starts to say something at me, but I hold out my arm and clip him as I run headlong into his place.